I have been emotionally abused, controlled and manipulated by him for the last time.......I can't take it any more! I literally feel as though I'm walking on egg shells in an attempt to avoid him. Nothing I do, or say is right. It's been 7 years, and we have 3 children ages 5,3 and 1. I really thought he would get help, especially after two of our kids have been showing severe signs of emotional trauma. My 3 year old now grinds, and bites his knuckles when tense, stutters, and my 5 year old is even more sensitive to the situation. It's breaking my heart, and I am ready, to take action. I may seem like a weak hearted fool for staying this long,but until recently I actually believed him when he told me it was my fault for making him act this way. He has messed with my mind plenty, but I will NOT let him traumatise our children any more. I am so scared.Being a child of a messy Divorce myself, I know the devastation it can cause.But I also know it is a better option than living like this.
2007-08-31 09:36:33 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am balling my eyes out, and petrified..but feel empowered- thanks to you guys! Whoa, talk about a build-up of unshed tears!
You are all so wonderfully supportive. I've never felt so cared about. I have severe Panic Disorder and Depression, and don't have any social support any more. Neither do I have my drivers license, or access to any of our financial information and paperwork (despite asking him repeatedly). Somebody mentioned I should be truly honest with myself.
Well, this is the huge dilemma I struggle with --The one thing stopping me from walking out the door this minute, (and not when I'm "organized") is the intrusive thought that he will use my Panic/Anxiety Disorder against me in court to gain full custody of the kids. Actually, I know he will try everything in his power.Cut off from the world,I know very little about how to survive independently.I am suffocating in lonliness and driven by the love for my three angels.You all have no idea how much your concern means....
2007-08-31 10:43:47 · update #1
I am so sorry. This story gave me chills. I was in the same situation not long ago and I can totally feel your pain. You are not a weak hearted fool for starters. Anytime we are in an abusive relationship such as this we hope they change, we hope they really mean "Im sorry" when they say it, we hope and pray that it wont happen again. I stuck around for 15 years with my ex until I said THATS IT! It gets to a point where its a sort of brain washing. It's hard to leave.
You might want to start by getting a restraining order if you are afraid of him. Also, if he is abusing you, do you really want your kids around this? You might want to do supervised visits for awhile as well. You can call a woman's help center, they can lead you in the right direction. Make sure you have a safe place to go and for your kids as well.
If he is abusive, the divorce will probably be messy. From my past, my ex tried to turn EVERYTHING on me. Make sure you have an idea of what you want to take from the home. You don't need to take everything, but your basic stuff. The rest will come about in the divorce.
I wish you the best of luck. You are making the right move by leaving now with your kids. Just know this is a long road ahead of you, but you can do it! :)
2007-08-31 10:16:43 · answer #1 · answered by You can do it!! 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to start putting you some money up so that you can secure you and your kids a place to live. Act as though you are setting up housekeeping, make a list of all the things you will need (food, lights, water, phone). Second, see about getting your kids into some good therapy now. Try to go ahead and intervene before it gets too far gone. Also, see about getting yourself some counseling to more than anything help you to understand there is better out there and what you are doing is good and right for you and your kids. Lastly, if he is a violent man and you are somewhat scared of him- get an order on him so he can not come within so many feet of you and your kids. I personally think he should only have if any, supervised visits with him if he is that much of a control freak and has anger problems.
2007-08-31 09:43:26 · answer #2 · answered by Sunshine 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I was in the same kind of mess. Make sure that you get you a divorce lawyer. make sure if you have any joint accounts get want you want out of it. I left and there was money in the account and my ex overdrew it and tried to have the courts make me pay. I wish I would have tried to close the account or get off of it. Open up a new bank account. Make sure you go somewhere safe because he will find you and if he is anything like my ex give you hell for leaving, be careful. My ex tracked me down using the kids school records. GET THE KIDS INTO COUNSELING . Let them know what he did to them, your Lawyer is going to tell you to do the same thing. This maybe the only way your kids wont have to be bothered with him even though he may end up with supervised visitation. Pray and keep praying. I have one 18 year old that hates him and 15 who loves him but he treated her better than the rest of us. I try not to turn her against him but it is hard. It's been about 6 years and he still tries to argue with me even though I have remarried about 5 years ago.
2007-08-31 10:08:52 · answer #3 · answered by moonchild 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Congratulations to you for taking your life back!!!! {BIG HUG}
As far as steps you should take:
1) Consult an attorney and get the papers started. Describe the emotional abuse you and the children have suffered. Make sure that a restraining order is filed, which here in Ohio is standard in all divorces anyway. And yes, as Tai said, immediately inform school and daycare so that they know not to let those children leave with him!!
2) Open your own bank account and start putting as much money into it as possible.
3) Confide in your friends and family so they know what is going on and will be able to support you.
4) Make sure you have a safe place to go.
5) Look into counseling and support groups in your area for both you and your children. You're going to need it to work through the lasting damage he has caused psychologically.
Very best of luck to you. I give you so much credit for putting an end to the nastiness, especially for your children's sake. Your whole life is ahead of you now! :-)
2007-08-31 09:44:23 · answer #4 · answered by meagain 4 · 6⤊ 0⤋
Before you go.Make sure you have a job line up if you can't keep the one you have and if you don't have one. Next make sure you have a secure place to live. Next make sure you have child care with a stable environment that will adhere to your rules about the kids and there father. Next get counseling for you and the kids ask questions like now and seek family counseling to protect your rights and to set up proper visitation of the father. Also do not under any circumstances weaver on your discussion. Meaning never look back raising children alone can be harder then you think. And do not allow family member to interfere with you decisions like you should try again. or let him know where you live. If it feels wrong it is, and do not step on his toes or in his way do as you now doing but don't let him see you sweat.
2007-08-31 09:54:01 · answer #5 · answered by mother 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry, I do know how it feels and it's scary. These kids depend on you for love and safety. First you need to have a place to go and no matter what do not let him know where you are. If you have to go to the police and let them know so if he calls them for kidnapping or something then that's what you have to do. Especially if he is dangerous. It is NOT your fault for his actions. Don't ever believe that. It takes a lot of guts and determination to leave someone. Especially when there are kids involved. Set up your own bank accounts, switch banks all together. talk to your kids using small words and don't tell them too much. make it fun for them as much as you can then they won't be scared about there future. i did it too and now my ex-husband got help and accepts why I had to leave. My kids haven't been so happy in years. They see him often and it's been good. All of are a lot happier. Good Luck , Everything is going to be alright.
2007-08-31 09:50:47 · answer #6 · answered by Tessie 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
get all the paperwork for the children
meaning
birth certs
shot records
ss cards
baptismal records if you have.
babys insurance cards medical
any Insurance policys info
meaning cars homes life health
go to the bank open up an account for your self
see if you can put a little money in it even it it is just enough to open it
make a list of all your shared possessions
make sure you have all the numbers to credit cards
bank accounts
and any bills that are in your name only
get some clothes that you will need for your self and children
don't look back and good luck
your kids will thank you for this one day
and you will thank yourself
be calm and do it when he is away from the house
do not let any of your in laws or anyone that you know will give him information know what your doing
or where you will be. i know that may seem harsh but if they love you they will all understand
does not mean forever just till you get on your own two feet by yourself key word
if worse comes to worse seek a DV advocate
and go to court as fast as you can you can do every thing
pro Ce
if you need to talk to me email me
God bless you and your baby's
2007-08-31 09:57:53 · answer #7 · answered by summerbliss 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Have your place to stay all lined up before you say a word to him. Some guys like this will do everything they can to block the person from leaving. Don't tip your hand. Get the help of someone you trust if possible.
No one should fault you for trying to make your marriage work, but some will. If it's affecting the kids, you're doing the right thing. If you get them away now, they may in time, get over it.
2007-08-31 09:45:59 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think that you should take your kids to where ever you will be staying ...with friends,family or a shelter. Then go to a safe public place to let him know you will be leaving. You need a good attorney...woman's services attorney's are usually very aggressive!!! Waiting to get your money situation sorted out puts your kids at further risk....get out now! Clear out whatever money you can get and your most important belongings. Abusive people are very dangerous....there should be a battered women's program in your area that can help you put together your action plan...so there is less chance of someone getting hurt!!!! Good luck
2007-08-31 09:53:04 · answer #9 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
All financial information: Banks, pay stubs, credit cards, retirement, insurance.
Birth certificates of the kids (if available).
Changes of clothing (including nightclothes and shoes) for you and your kids. Refills of prescriptions, spare glasses, other things to get you through.
A checking account and a credit card in your own name, if possible.
A post office box or other mail drop that is *not* your house.
Extra copies of your house keys and car keys.
A phone book with family numbers.
Start writing down the abuse as soon after the fact as possible. Time, day, what he said, who may have seen it. This documentation, if kept in a timely manner, has legal weight in the courts.
When you can, call your local women's "helper" group - they know of the resources available.
Yes, there are better options than what you and your kids are going through. Thank you for having the courage to do something about it.
2007-08-31 09:50:04 · answer #10 · answered by stenobrachius 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋