My boyfriend won't get a job.?

Question

My BF and I have been together for over 2 years and he has always maintained employment until recently. 3 months ago he voluntarily left his job, and has been living with me for about 2 of those months. He does get unemployment, and uses what little he has to help me out with buying groceries, gas for my car, and other little things.

While this does help a little, we both know his unemployment check is not going to cut it. So for the past couple of weeks, I’ve urged him to find employment, but he just simply refuses. He claims that he can get a job at any time and just wants to have a little vacation time. I’ve tried to be understanding since he is helping me out financially despite being unemployed, but after paying all of my bills for this month, I realized the little monies he does give me doesn’t even make up for half the money I spend monthly on the electricity, water, and internet he uses daily. Not to mention I’ve spent the last 2 months paying on a credit card bill (in my name) he promised to have paid off by July; it’s now 1 day away from September.

On top of everything I’ve just mentioned, he doesn’t have his own car (of course he drives mine), was living with family before moving in with me, and even after swearing he would finish college, has yet to even fill out his financial aid paperwork properly.

I want to know if there is any gentle way to smooth out this situation. I’m afraid that if I’m too aggressive about it, our relationship may end, but then on the other end, if I’m too passive, things will continue to be as they are. He’s a great guy, he just hasn’t been making great decisions.

Answer 1

Get family or friends to back you up. If he hears it from more than just you, he'll probably be more likely to change his ways, just to keep people from nagging him about it. XD

Answer 2

Lack of goal oriented behavior is a sign of many problems. It could be fear of failure, or it could be depression. Also, it might be down right laziness.
The bottom line is there is not enough money at the end of the month to make ends meet. You probably feel trapped since he does give you something which helps, and you wonder how you will get by without what he pitches in. The trouble is he is probably costing you more living there: internet, food, take out-you get the picture.
It's time to lay down the law and the first step is for him to go down to unemployment and ask for some job leads that HE can show you. If this request causes a big blow up, then just tell him he needs to move back with his parents since it really bothers you that you work all day and he sits home. Period.
Good luck.

Answer 3

It sounds like you have been handling the situation as delicately as possible but it's becoming obvious that it's time for you to be more aggressive. Three months is a long vacation and now it's time for him to grow up and go back to school and work.

Maybe you should explain to him that this is really starting to put a strain on your relationship and you can't keep it up. If you're worried about the relationship ending then I would tell him that you don't want to break up and maybe try to take an active role in helping with his financial aid paperwork and looking for a job.

I'm sure that he'll understand that you need more help than he's giving you and hopefully he will start being more active in getting his life together. Just don't coddle him too much because then he'll rely on you more than himself.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I'm sorry but I would dump him! He sounds like a bum. I've never dated a guy without a steady job but then again, I could just be spoiled =P

But to play devil's advocate here. I know a lot of people bide their time while they unemployment checks keep coming. Then at the end of the six months they go and get another job. So he could just be relaxing, there's nothing wrong with taking a little time off as long as he's not just bumming everything off of you. He needs to be able to do more than help with groceries and gas if he's living with you.

Answer 5

Hey girlfriend, GENTLE: there is no gentle way to say hey babe, things are not going as planned and I need a little more from you. Bills are a little overwhelming right now and It would be great if I had your support in this. I know you love him girlfriend, but there comes a time when you got to draw the line between struggling and making it with or without him. Don't be no fool for anyone because times are too hard as it is. Be honest and hopes he understands if not do what u do.

Answer 6

My suggestion is to sit and listen and talk. you've been understanding, and supportive. now he needs to take responsibility. you haven't mentioned ages, so you will have to be age appropriate/responsibility in this too.

if he's become addicted to the internet, turn it off. his wanting to take a vacation seems to have become more permanent. we all want a vacation life. but it doesn't pay the bills. we save and plan for vacations.

I'd be realistic, and let him know, you will not continue to allow him to continue to throw his life away, nor support him in it. great guy or not, I'm sure you have plans for the rest of your life, and right now is part of the rest of your life. Does he want to be part of that? He'll need goals, and maturity to be with you. Give him a monthy bill he has to meet to stay with you.

tough love. enlist family if you need support. get him enrolled in a therapy if he can't work, maybe he has other reasons for not wanting to work anymore.

You need help. You have bills, and some are his. Tell him that and what ever else is there, simple and straight forward. no stories, no allowances. short and to the point.

Last of all, consistency. Follow through with what you say. Do not be wishy washy, or mothering. respect yourself and do what you say you will do.

Tough times, i wish you the best of luck

Answer 7

Okay, maybe if you take it one step at a time ( i know its cheesy but seriously). say honey look here is a job for being a ________ why dont you check it out. pick out a random job and show it to him. It also seems to me that that relationship wont end if you be a little more agressive because where is he gonna go if you break up with him...i also agree with the person above me...get his family to bug him about this. and if he doesnt get a job in the next month...dump him and make him come crawling back to you...seriously you are in control in this situation!

Answer 8

You are lucky that you are not married to this loser. If he is being a bum now, you had better believe that he will be a bum after you are married. Tell him to get a job or get out. The time has come for action on your part, or he will lay around and you will be stuck in poverty all of your life. No man is worth that anywhere in the world.

Answer 9

I understand your concerns, and I think you have to understand when you are in a relationship you are his support system and he is yours what that means is when you see him down you need to pick him up and when he sees you down he needs to pick you up. what you need to do is sit down with him and ask him what are his goals? also get him some college information and offer to assist him with the applications because they can get frustrating. Also explain to him that sitting at home is going to get old eventually and he will become to get depressed, oh yeah I wen through this personally and I remember my wife was the one who picked me up when I was down and I remember a technique she would use she would come in the house with catalogs of things that I wanted and we looked through them and me being me would get excited about the things and then she would say if we had more money coming in we maybe might be able to get you this but since we don't and if that don't get him off the couch I don't know what can good luck and be that rock that he needs you to be.

Answer 10

he sounds like a lazy punk.
he doesn't want to do things when hes not ready, he doesn't like taking responsibility for anything that's not his.
i say if you don't tell him you don't have enough money he will probably keep doing what he is doing. you've tried giving him pushes in the right direction but he's pushing back. its time to tell him whats really going on. dont be scarred to work things out with the one you love. if he really feels the same about you then he will listen and do what he knows is right.
he is a grown man it sounds like he needs to start acting like one.

Answer 11

If you have been with him for over 2 years and this is the first time that this happens maybe you should give him a break.