As far as cheating goes I have quite a dilemna to overcome?

Question

As far as cheating goes I have quite a dilemna to overcome?
My fiancee' and I were going through some difficult times with lack of communication and general discontent. She went out one night with one of her friends. I found out from that friend that she met this guy and ended up going to the bar with him. On the way to the bar they made out. On there way back they managed to find themselves in an alley where he was able to get her pants off. She said there was never penetration - just that he tried to put it in for a few minutes but didnt and then she said stop and pulled up her pants and "just licked it". Is this a believable story? I'm inclined to believe she is lying and that they did have intercourse. If it were the truth is it cheating...should I end our engagement...I mean is this going to happen again. It is a tough decision and I will make it with my heart but respectful outside opinions are very appreciated.

Answer 1

just so you know, if my wife met a guy while out with her friends, and had her pants off, and just 'licked it', she'd be out the door and divorce papers soon after. Grow some self esteem and find some respect in yourself.

Answer 2

In my mind, she was cheating the minute she starting making out with the other guy.

You're the only one who can decide this though. I can tell you a few things about marriage though--and I've been married almost 20 years, so I think I know a couple of things about marriage. ;-) Trust is key. If you don't trust your spouse, there is really no point in being married to them. I'm not just talking about sexual fidelity, you'll have combined finances, and possibly even share children. Trust is everything in a marriage, and without it, you seriously don't have much of a marriage.

The other thing I've learned, is that we all make mistakes, and no one is perfect. My husband and I have each done things to each other in our marriage that many people would say is worthy of divorcing (never cheating though). We have always decided that our marriage is stronger than that. Your wife will do things that you hate, and she will hurt you. You will hurt her. If you guys can both forgive each other, and move on from those hurts that WILL happen, your marriage will be richer for it. If you can't, it will eventually destroy your relationship.

Also, you guys need some kind of relationship counseling. You shouldn't get married if you're having communication problems, and feeling discontented with each other. That probably contributed to her night. The other thing I thought of that you didn't mention about her evening--was she drinking, and was she intoxicated when she was with this other guy? If she was, while it doesn't excuse what she did, you have to also remember that she was less inhibited than usual. I would be more worried about if the alcohol use was a pattern, because that will lead to the indiscriminate sex with others issue.

Best of luck to you both.

Answer 3

In my opinion it doesn't matter if there was penetration or not. The truth is that she became mad at you and went out and opened herself up and had an encounter with another guy. There is absolutely no reason to think that she wouldn't do the same thing once you're married and then you'll have a cheating wife to deal with and probably, ultimately, a divorce. At this point it sounds like marriage should be out of the question for you two. I guess there's always a chance of making up, but don't proceed until you work this out and can completely trust each other or marriage will be a waste of time and money for both of you.

Answer 4

I am so sorry you have had to go through this.

Just the fact that she spent time with "another guy" and they even kissed, makes this cheating. If she is happy with you, then she would not be looking for others. Doesnt matter if it was full "intercourse" this is the same as cheating. How do you know this won't happen again.

Let her know how you feel..let her know that you are considering breaking the engagement, if you can work it out and get past this great..but I would let her know that if anything of this nature EVER happens again that the engagement is off. I know your heart will hurt, but you have to be able to trust your partner, if you can't prior to the marriage, how do you know you will trust her after the marriage??

Good Luck in whatever happens.

Answer 5

As the cheating fiance, let me say that prior to this so called "cheating episode" I had find out the course of our 3 year relationship my then "BF" had numerous relationships via the internet with other women. Making up fake myspace profiles and yahoo personals to spend hours a day talking to these women and even giving them his phone number. Lying about me acting as if I didn't even exist. On top of this all I have had to endure his alcoholism and verbal insults when he has had to much to drink. Taking care of him when he tried to quit numerous times and would have me go to the ER to get drugs so he wouldnt have seizures. On this so called night I had went out and did not meet any random guy. It had been a person I had known when I was a child. So I am not some **** or ***** that just meets men in alleys but it is funny how people have such a one sided mind. After he found out what had happened is when he asked me to marry him we were not engaged prior to the incident. GO FIGURE!

Answer 6

Hmm. .. .can't say if she is telling the truth or not but does it matter? In my opinion just a kiss would have been cheating. According to her story she was letting him try to penetrate her so what makes the difference if he actually did or not. Yes, it is cheating. So the two of you were having relationship problems, you didn't break up. That does not excuse her behavior at all!!! Sounds to me like she is only trying to justify what she did. But there is none. And yes it could happen again. All relationships have problems and complications, so will she do this the next time problems arrise?? I have no idea. Maybe she learned from her mistake and can't bare the thought of loosing you or maybe she doesn't understand how a relationship/marriage is supposed to work "in good times and in bad"

Answer 7

As far as I'm concerned, what she did IS cheating--penetration is not necessary.
I think if she really loved you, she would not have behaved that way with someone else.

I think you would worry all the time about it if you marry her. You should at the very least delay marrying until you have built some trust. And if it hasn't gotten there in say, a year, then call it off. TRUST is one of the biggest foundations of a marriage, and a shaky foundation will cause a collapse sooner or later.
Good luck, my friend, you have some hard thinking to do.

Answer 8

"just licked it" sounds like a nicer way of saying she gave him a BJ. If this is how she behaves when you're having communication problems, then I don't have a lot of confidence that this relationship can improve. The only way things will get better is if you two can work on your communication. But, there's never an excuse for cheating, regardless of who does it. I think you should end the relationship. Trust is very hard to rebuild once it's been wrecked.

Answer 9

I can't tell you whether that classifies as cheating or not, but the two of you have some really big trust issues now. If you don't feel like you can trust her again after what happened I would end the engagement. A marriage without trust is ruined from the beginning, maybe you should prolong the wedding plans for a while until you can decide for yourself. One thing is for sure though, don't marry her unless you truly believe with all your heart that she loves you and would never do it again.

Answer 10

im sorry ur goin through this...she already cheated on u by makin out with this guy in the first placeas far as her story goes, she may be tellin the truth or may not...it shouldnt matter anyway cuz either way u look at the situation she still was wrong...personally, i couldnt be with sumone like that cuz i would always think that they are cheating on me even if they arent anymore...she obviosuly has no respect for u and doesnt value ur relationship very much...if u can firgive her and move on then thats up to u but if i were u i would get rid of her and find sumone whos gonna respect and not cheat on u...

Answer 11

I do have to say that situation is not a good one for you or for her too, i know from expereience that obviously she is confused on how she feels about everything. I think you deserve to be respected and what she did was disrespectful but you have to listen to your heart and be honest with yourself ask yourself can you trust her now and would you do that to her? I think you should take some time out and put a hold on the engagament and let yourself heal and if you have to tell her that you just want to take a step back from the whole situation cause you feel like its time for some thinking time. I know that its gonna be hard to do that but its wrong that she did that to you and i hope one day that you guys can communicate better and learn to have fun with eachother. I wish you the best of luck.