Is it wrong to put your spouse first?

Question

Who comes first - kids or your spouse? Most people say kids should always come first. But I read this article about this issue and the author says that you should put your spouse first because that way your kids come first automatically, since by putting your spouse first you protect your kids from painful divorce. Meaning if you have a very strong marriage and you deeply in love and you do not neglect your spouse's needs there is a low possibility that you'll divorce. Being married is a lot of work and you have to work on your marriage every single day and pay a lot of attention to your spouse, but some people neglect their spouses for the sake of the kids. The divorce rate in the USA is 50% and 70% for second marriages. What do you think about this idea? Honestly, I do not have children yet, so I do not know what happens when I do.

Answer 1

Your spouse always comes first. You and your spouse are the foundation that holds the family together. I am not saying that if you child needs you because they have a need that you ignore that need to pay attention to a spouse who simply wants you. Balance. However children need to know that you and your spouse are just about as close to being one in the same as it can get, that nothing can tear down this wall and that you both love each other very much. Last night, our daughter was in the talk up a blue streak mood, my husband needed to tell me about his day at work, it was a hectic day for him....I told our daughter that I would talk to her later because he needed me then....this type of thing I think.

Answer 2

This seriously depends on the situation.

If your spouse wants sex and the 2 week old baby is soaking wet and starving, screaming its head off in the other room....well, you put the kid first.

If your spouse has the flu and needs care while a child wants you to read a story...well, you care for the spouse and give a raincheck on the story.

I could go on with examples, but the bottom line is that you try to find a balance. Kids and marriage both take a lot of time, sacrifice and committment. Sometimes, you have to put the kids first. Sometimes, you can put the spouse first.

Just be conscious of your multiple responsibilities and make the who is first decision based on who has the most need at the moment.

Ideally, there would be no conflict since the spouse should also be very concerned about the kids. Realistically, sometimes you have to make a choice.

Answer 3

The two of you should work together to put the kids first, and in doing so, you also put each other first, its like a shared position. There needs to be balance. You can't neglect one for the other.

The kids need you to be a strong couple, no doubt about that. And being a strong couple usually means taking some time for one another. That's important. It's also important that the kids see you have a united front so you don't want to be going behind your spouse's back to do things for the kids etc because they don't want you to, but you think its best for them.

But at the same time, the kids do have more needs than your spouse, and are both more innocent and less capable of caring for themselves. So there are situations, say in the case of abuse, either spousal or child, where those children do have to come first and the non-abusive parent has to realize that and make some difficult decisions.

But generally, in healthy relationships, it is possible to reach that balance of putting each other first and then together putting the kids first, and giving each child (and each spouse) the attention they need, when they need it, to keep relationships strong all around.

Answer 4

This actually makes sense. I'm the first one to say 'KIDS COME FIRST---ALWAYS!!!', but making it work with your spouse does protect your children from future pain. I completely agree with the point of this article. Coming from a home where my parents' marriage was crap, I wholeheartedly understand the pain that an unhappy household can cause a child.

What I really like about this article's point is that it didn't have that usual BS about 'kids will leave, and your spouse will always be there.' That's a cop out excuse, and this article sets it straight.

Well done, because you're still doing it for the well being of your children, and of course, CHILDREN COME FIRST, even if it means going through your spouse to jointly accomplish this.

Answer 5

Spouse then kids, people read too much into the fact that the spouse comes first. But a happy wife is a happy home! And in no way do the kids get neglected, if you are a good parent your kids will get plenty of what they need even by putting you spouse first!!

Answer 6

I don't mean to sound preachy, so forgive me if I do.

I am a christian and I follow God's teachings, and what it says in the Bible is to put God first, then spouse, then children. This keeps things in focus, because if a person puts the children before the spouse, then the spouse can feel unneeded, unappreciated, unimportant, etc. Keeping the marriage healthy helps the children, you're right about that.

My husband and I have been happily married for 27 years. He and I work together as a team and have raised three beautiful daughters, now all in their 20s.

We consider us (my husband and I) as the coaches of the team, and the girls are the players. We have a lot of fun and we had very few problems raising the girls this way.

Good luck with your life and I hope all goes well for you.

Answer 7

I don't think that in your daily life you sit there and calculate "hmm, lets see, whom am I putting first today". If you have a terrible choice of having to neglect your spouse or neglect your kids, I feel that you should NEVER neglect your kids, under no circumstances - so if this what people mean by "putting kids first", then I guess I would always put my kids first. But if you use your kids as an excuse to be sh1tty to your spouse, then it's no good - you do have to nurture the marriage AS WELL AS the parent-child relationships.

It just seems like if the partners use their common sense, they can be flexible, understanding, put their kids first, and still nurture their own relationship.

Answer 8

I met a woman who was married (her second marriage) and she had step children that lived with them and they had children of their own. She set the rules that when Dad came home it was his/her time. Because when the kids are gone it leaves only the spouses.

I think there should be a balance. Make sure you put away time for yourself, your spouse and your kids. You can't get caught up in a life that revolves around kids cause after they grow up and move away you have nothing in common anymore.

In our house, the kids needs come first and after they are satisfied then its our time. We always have time to ourselves, each night and every other weekend, without the kids. Right now I'm looking for things for us to do together so we have more quality time together and can do something we both enjoy.

Answer 9

I think it is more of an equal balance. There will always be something to compromise. If your spouse always comes first then your children will eventually feel neglected. If you put the children first, the spouse will feel neglected. You and your spouse both work to make sure the children and each other do not feel neglected.

Answer 10

I totally agree with you. You should put your spouse first...and if you are in a loving marriage where you respect your spouse the children will be taken care of...Only make sense. I am married for the second time.....I have three teenagers with my first husband...and at first I was confused...because my current husband said that he would put me first before his children...at the time...he had no children...therefore I couldn't see his point. we now have a 8 month old baby girl....and he still stands by what he says....he still puts me first....and I put him first.