Trust Issue?

Question

My husband and i had a 3 month "separation" in which he was seeing another girl and still seeing me as well. He kept telling me that he was going to break it off with her but didn't do so until about a month ago now. I know that they are over (trust me i know that!) But i am having a hard time trusting him. I question everything he does even though he tells me constantly he is glad that i am home and that he only wants me and he is sorry ect...Any advice on how to help myself trust him? We both really want to make this work and i am driving myself (and probably him too) nuts. Even though he has changed his attitude i still dwell on what he has done in the past. Any advice? And if you don't have something helpful to say---don't respond!!!!!!!

Okay. I did tell him that i needed time to trust him again. I told him a lot of things before we got back together and that he had to prove himself to me

Answer 1

It's not about "trust" (whatever that means). It's about "respect". He hasn't been respectful of your feelings, and you need to have some self-respect and cut him loose.

Answer 2

I sure hope he has let her go and is devoted to you, and you need to accept is love. There is nothing wrong with having a little insecurity no matter how good the marriage is. You are both going to remember these things. You just can not cut it out of your life it took place. I see things like this, in a court room a attorney will ask or make a statement about something just to leave a thought in the jury's mind so they will think about it. The whole time the attorney's knows this person is guilt as all get out, but they planted a seed of doubt in hopes it will grow and this person will get off from what ever the crime they might have committed. So if he has let it go you need to also as best you can. I know that my folks married for 50 yrs, that it was not always glitter(5 kids) my moms folks 50 yrs, my dads folks 40+yrs(death cut it short)my wife's folks also 40+ yrs(again death took them apart, the one who remained lived at least another 20+ yrs, so I know with in my heart had the other lived on they would have remained a couple.. I have always wanted to go that far with one person. I respect those that have a great deal. I also understand that there are some that don't. But it is a part of life now days. Some just marry way to young and are not willing to forgive. Good luck

Answer 3

This is going to take time. The only way he can prove he won't cheat again, is by not cheating again. It's hard to prove you "won't" do something.
The fact that you want to make this work means that there is a chance that it will.
It's only been a month. The wounds are still very fresh. Eventually you will need to let it go or the marriage will fail. As you said, at some point you will drive him nuts as well. You can only yell at someone or be mad at them for the one mistake for so long. He will need to be patient during this time. He may think everything is back to normal, when all of a sudden something triggers the feelings of resentment you have. He needs to know that is part of the price he has to pay for what he did.
Good luck. Just realize things wont be better in a month or even 2 months or 3 months. But they can get better.

Answer 4

trust is something that is hard to gain...but at the same time it could be broken in an instant. It is not something that can be repaired so easily. The only advice is to give it time. TIme is what you need because once a trust is broken you have start from scratch and rebuild it from the bottom up..In the process of trying to give him back his trust just observe the things he does and take it into consideration until you feel comfortable and sure enough that you can trust him. You have to let it go...once you forgive him you have to move past it and to stop thinking about it, it would only make things worse and set you back with trying to trust him. Explain to him how much he hurted you and that you need time to trust and move on.. Tell him it isn't something that can be given overnight or within a week

Answer 5

You were still married and he was seeing someone else. It doesn't matter if you were separated or not. He still cheated.

Of course you dwell on it. If you want to make the marriage work though, you can never bring it up again. You decided to stay with him after that behavior, that means you are saying to accept it. Then you have no right to complain. Get a journal.

I would expect that the next time he wants a new girl, you'll separate again just long enough for the fling and then he'll come back to you.

You need to get an STD test with herpes panel also.

Answer 6

You both should not have gotten back together so quickly, at least until all the problems you had to cause the break up and now this trust issue was worked on first. Your husband has to come to understand that by him involving a this other girl into the circle of your and his existing problems he has added more strain into the wellness of the marriage. It is his job to earn your trust again, and until he does you should have not taken him back. What I mean is this, you agree to work on the marriage but do not agree to continue as if nothing happened until the problems are resolved first. Otherwise, he gets all the benefits from marriage and you are left with the pain of his betrayal and with feelings of not being able to trust him. If he wants his marriage to work then he not just you needs to undue the damage he has done. He needs to earn your trust back and you need to be open to his efforts. You both can benefit from seeking help from a professional marriage counselor. Best of luck to you!

Answer 7

I had went though something similar only things was that we werent married but together for 6 years and it took a long time to gain that trust back but he was willing to do anything he would always show me his phone bills etc..to show that he wasnt calling some else,pay stubs to show his hours,bank accounts etc..he did this all on his own free will and we also had some couples consuling ..and I have to admit it was hard and we both had to put alot into it but in the end every thing worked out..you guys should really try consuling it helped ..best of luck and I hope you guys work it out just give it time its not gonna happen over night..

Answer 8

Who could blame you for not trusting him. I think its more hurt on your end than trust. I think you want to trust him but you have your guard up. He will have to understand that. I wonder how he would feel right now if the shoe was on the other foot. He has to build that trust up again and it is gonna take time. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your being very normal. The idea of him being with another woman cut you and now you are in the healing process. If he is truly happy to be back with you he will be patient. But its his fault for your suspicions and a mature guy will admit to that and help you to build that trust once again. I would take it one day at a time.

Answer 9

Besides the usual advice to seek counsellilng (which is a good idea), you and he have to take things one day at a time and not assume anything will be as it was before. I don't think there is anything you can actively do but ride out your pain. Don't try to put it behind you before it is possible. Feel it, process it, deal with it. And see if he was worth it. If you decide to trust him again then you have to really mean it--to yourself--and this will take practice and acceptance that your trust might be abused again. But accepting this risk is what it means to trust.

Answer 10

I broke up with my girlfriend a week ago, for 20 minutes, because her brother claimed to see me snogging an older women, who, was in fact, my gran. And that caused a huge trust issue, and even after I told her the truth and we got back together, she still doesn't trust me. She's beginning to trust me now, because I let her answer questions on Yahoo! Answers with me, but otherwise, it's the time that's gone by and the things that we've recently that have helped her trust me a little more. I suggest that that's what you do- do things together and let a little more time go by and you'll feel your trust for him piece back together, slowly but surely.
I hope I helped.

Answer 11

hm, if it was a clean cut it wouldnt be that difficult i assume. but since you two were still seeing eachother and he was seeing someone else it is kind of difficult, on top of that the fact that he wasnt truthful about the break up. i guess he will be hard, i know it would be for me. i dated a guy during my separation from my husband, but when we talked over the phone and he asked me to give it a chance, i told the other guy (also on the phone)that i am done and never saw him again. i know what i wanted.