A question for domestic violence victims?

Question

Have you discovered that after you left your abuser that you cannot get a job, because he's called all the jobs on your resume and your references with some kind of lie? Have you discovered that you cannot get help from any local domestic violence entities for similar reasons? I am not sure if he is tracking where I go (violating the order) or if he is having sister or first wife call the places for him?

Two ex-husbands know the industries I work in. I suspect they are sending an "incorrect" resume with my name to any place that is in my industry so when I send the right one, I don't get any response because they think the earlier one is correct. I was a hiring manager so I know the application review process.

Yes, too many people knew my current destination. Not all of them are trustworthy. They supported the abuser at some time more than me but I gave them my new info because they promised to help in some way.
When I move again, only two people will know here I go.

And for those of you who haven't had this type of thing happen, it is because your abuser is not obsessed with destroying your life. Both may think that poverty will force me to take back one or the other. It isn't.

I have not had a decent running car or decent rental anytime one ex-husband knew my address. Four cars have been "messed" with so far. No ex-husband is permitted to have my physical address at all.

It just doesn't seem right that with kids at risk of international abduction, that I cannot find the help for my family. Yes although a doctors office won't confirm in writing but I've got it on tape, my second husband or someone pretending to be him called with "concerns". I switched providers to be sure my current address stays confidential!

tjnstloiusmo, you are most definitely not familiar with DV. If you visit the courthouse during the time they hear divorces, you will find out that abusive men often claim to be the "abused" in order to get sympathy. That's how I got involved with both husbands.

Others, nope I have not broken any of the local shelters rules since I never stayed there. Unless someone is using my name or a fake id, there is no way it could happen.

I will handle my next move on my own. I had another DV agency involved in this last move.

Answer 1

He trying to regain control over you. He's been telling you and/or treating you like you are stupid, no one will want you, you're worthless, etc., etc., etc. He's mad because you finally got the courage to leave him and go on with your life. Good for you!!! Keep your head held high and don't get back together with him (this is what he wants and the abuse will be WORSE because you left him already).

An reputable employer will not take his word about your work ethics. If they do, you don't want to work there. Maybe, for whatever reasons, you arent getting the jobs and you are thinking that he's screwed it up for you (because it's logical) (or because he's told you--he wants you to see how much power/control he has). How is he knowing where you are applying? Is one of your friends snitching on you? If so, dump them 'cause you don't need friends like that. Your references shouldn't be influenced since references are people who know you/have worked with you and what he says should not impact their personal knowledge.

I know you're already the victim, but if this man is harrassing you (or you think that he is), you should consider moving to across town or to a different town. Don't let him, his family or any mutual friends know where you live. Try to get a job in a hospital (they're big facilities and won't be listening to any information he might have on you--they won't even discuss your employment with him cause if they do, you can sue them). Don't get a listed phone number or change your cell phone number. As hard as it may be to walk away-you need to for your sanity.

I applaud you for getting out of a dangerous situation-not many women have the courage for the exact same reasons you have written here. Your ex is mad because he no longer has control over you and he wants it back. He's mad. It will probably get worse before it gets better (as long as he has access to you). Moving to a different town or across town if you live in a large city; take different routes home or to your new place in case he is following you; don't tell people where you are at; block your phone number when making calls to any mutual friends; tell no one where you are working; keep your routine varied; cut off all contact with him.

I think that domestic violence shelters can be helpful, but they are only short term solutions. The police want to help, but they cannot sit outside your home/work 24/7 which would be the only way to keep you safe. A piece of paper (restraining order) will not keep him from harming you if he really wants to. You have to help yourself! Good luck!

Answer 2

Well first, don't give up or lose hope. There is help out there for you, you just have to find it. In most places, cities, towns, some where in the law buildings (here it is the courthouse) there is a Domestic Violence Advocate. She/he can help you with this and any other problem that you may come across. If the first one is no help, try someone else, and so on and so forth. Believe me, there is someone out there who can and will help you.
By the way, no matter which one it is, the abuser, the wife, or the sister, it is against the law to do these things and they can be charged with criminal charges. Get mad about it, find the right avenue, and then you can have your revenge(i mean through the law). Make him and/or them pay for what they have done and are doing. You were strong enough to get out, you are strong enough to keep fighting and looking and pushing until you have what you deserve.

Answer 3

My mother experienced all the same things. She still is. When she moved out he would call the properties she was thinking of renting. He got her fired from two jobs. Yesterday she got a call from her landlords that someone had called and said her and her boyfriend were always outside arguing. He tried to stab her boyfriend once too, and he plays mind games with the children. My mom tried to all the victims advocate and never even got a call back. Wonder why all these women end up missing huh? Luckily her landlords know about my dad, so does her boss and he's really cool and even banned him from coming into her work. You pretty much have to handle it on your own because you'll get no help from the people who are supposed to be helping. I even called child services on my father and guess what? Nothing ever happened.

Answer 4

This is very difficult to go through. See if your local dv coalition is good and get help from them. Also check online - there are many wonderful support groups online and often you can connect with someone local through them. Be careful of online groups though - make sure they have strict measures in place for security. Go to www.uaadv.org and see what they offer there. There is heklp and you are not alone. I know because I am going through similar.

Answer 5

Mmhhh, I have never heard that happening, so I have no experience to share with you on this. My only idea is to get a lawyer and ask him what your options are and your chances of winning a lawsuit for domestic violence and/or harassment charges. You can also have an eye to eye with the people close to you, family members, friends, so as to prevent them from getting involved against you, and find support in them.

Good luck.

Answer 6

How would he know where you are applying for a job? Your former jobs aren't going to talk to him, its against federal HIPAA laws.

I think you need to see a doctor and talk about your trauma. Think about this, some guy calls a domestic violence agency and tells them to not have anything to do with the woman he was beating? That doesn't make sense.

Answer 7

I'd be seeing the States Attorney if these domestic violence places aren't helping you. Their suppose to be there for all in need!

They do have their rules though, so have you broke any of them?

Chnage your refrences. Change your resume. Why not leave the state? Go to another state and their places that help.

Answer 8

you can go to a crisis shelter and they can move you to another state and they will help you with what you need. i was in one and ladys from other states were moved to the one i was at. then you can have a life that you deserve to have. the no. to the crisis shelter is 1-800-370-4103. call and tell them your situation and see what they can do for you. good luck.......

Answer 9

I don't know where you live, but your local domestic violence centers would not listen to anyone but you. He's handing you a line of crap. Go to a shelter and ask to be protected.

Answer 10

This is not good. You need to move out of town and start a new life for yourself. He can't follow you to every town if he doesn't know where you are going....