What would you do? A deadly serious question for those with a little life experience?

Question

For the sake of this I will call the girl Lisa.

Should Lisa write her grandfather a letter and forgive him for his wrong doings (molestation) to her when she was a child?

The grandmother recently died and didnt beleive that her husband did these things when the truth came our some years ago.

Now the husband depressed and alone is travelling to England to visit his relatives and his old homes for the first time ever since coming to australia some 40+ years ago with his family.

He is very ill and has been advised not to travel and in all reality may not make it to and from England, in which case his body will be brought back to the home country by family. it is something he feels he must do, very lost and alone since losing his wife suddenly just months ago.

Lisa, the grandaughter has many mixed emotions and wants some closure. She feels one sucessful letter or conversation with him will be as good as yrs of counselling.

(adding more)

If she wrote him a letter what should she say?

she was always close to the grandmother and was always told that when she (grandmother) passed away her personal items, jewelry etc.. (although not worth much) would go to the grandaughter. There has been no mention of this and Lisa desperately wants those memories she was promised her whole life but feels asking for them is the wrong thing to do.

Also she wants to write a book and tell of her experiences - not just with this but with all the tramatic and tragic events which unfolded so far through her life which were both indirectly and directly a result of this abuse. So, she would also liek to ask her grandfathers permission to write her book, and if he passes on before its done, to give permission to express her story, without threat or slander or a libel suit from the other family members who choose not to beleive this.

Should she give up and not bother?

The grandfather knows he was wrong and has shown remorse toward her

And even apologised for his wrong doings but he has always managed to stop short of letting the rest of the unbeleiving family know that he is infact guilty and has just been "playing" innocent the past few years and lapping up all the attention and being treated like a king was all just a sharade and a lie.

Tough decision?

Should she attempt to contact him? He flys out tomorrow and the family know full well it may be the last time they see him, there is no time for thinking...

Ok cant fool you guys - I guess I knew that at the start but I called her Lisa anyway - obviously its me it just helped me to use the third person in all of this and YOU didnt have to be rude answerer number 1. Also - You have NO right to tell me to just GET over it. That is the biggest load of crock I have ever heard.

You think I should pretend its not happening? I did that for 20+ years and it caused so many problems.... I have to ignore you your stupidity is making me mad!

Answer 1

when he dies let it all go with him .......... and he is the one who should be writing you a letter asking for your forgiveness

Answer 2

I just want to say that what happened is a terrible ordeal for a human being, a child to have to go through, and then living with this scar is something i can't imagine.

I do believe however that closure is really important in any event where there has been pain and memories that are wished to be forgotten. I believe that talking rather than writing words when someone, in this case yourself is seeking closure. Even if it's not face-to-face, a voice can express many things on it's own. Someone said something like a letter has no closure, particularly if it goes unanswered, and i agree...

It's definitely not a good thing to keep this to yourself, which brings me to the subject about the book. If i can add my personal context into this, my father is writing a book about his childhood. He did not have a good childhood. He went through things, a child should not have to go through, but now in his middle age, his closure is in writing this book. Seeing him getting an understanding of the why and the how from all those years ago is that closure which he needs, and i feel that you need and want as well. It's not about telling the world, but to find closure which is the purpose of the book, for my dad at least. By all means if you want to write that book, write it.

You'll never get closure if you cannot forgive by the way. (I wasn't sure whether you were saying you have forgiven him or not in your description.) Though your grandfather has stayed in the dark to the rest of the family and retained his 'innocence' towards them as well, the fact that he has realised the wrong that he does, and hopefully realised the pain that he has caused does count for something. By forgiving him, the rest of your life will not be caught up on what happened. However if you don't, that scar will always be there and will never go away, rather it will just linger there with you and eat away at you which will do you no good. Forgive and that pain will go away eventually. So if you want closure, talk to your grandfather, and learn to forgive him.

My thoughts go out to you, and i wish you all the best.

Answer 3

Honestly "Lisa"...I don't think you SHOULD have to do a damned thing! If you want closure, try and figure a way around it however, how can you possibly do this when your Grandfather continues to lie to the rest of the family???

Sick or not, he sounds like an opportunist to me. He's remorseful towards you, you say however; he continues to lead everyone else up the garden path, making you look like a liar.

I'm sorry girl, for what you have endured all your life....you are the only one who can seriously answer all your questions.

Good luck in your life and I hope you find that inner peace that you very much deserve.....Btw, I think you're an exceptionally strong woman.

(((HUGS)))

Addition: I just read Andy K's answer and that's very sound advice....he seems to know what he's talking about, given the fact that his wife went through the same thing.

The bottom line however, is how much you want to forgive the man.

Answer 4

Lisa should write the letter, expressing that she indeed forgives her grandfather. Her grandfather already regrets and feels remorse about his behavior. For Lisa to express her forgiveness would bring healing and closure - not just for herself but for her grandfather.

As far as writing the book, Lisa should go ahead and write it. Although it would be nice to get her grandfather's blessing on the book, I think it would be best to simply wait to publish it or even talk about it until after the grandfather passes away.

The book may open his wounds in a way which is not healthy.

Some family members may be rankled by its writing but that is the price Lisa would have to pay. Lisa wants to tell her story and wants others to hear it. She may be surprised to learn how many others have similar horrid childhood experiences - perhaps even some of the family members she is worrying about!!!

god bless

Answer 5

If that is what will help Lisa in the long run, then perhaps writing a letter to him would be good for her. Letting it out and letting it go, in my experience seems to be the best thing. Most people do not have the ability for that. I know in my own experience, I would not have that chance and even if I did. I don't think I could forgive it. For Lisa, even if she does not get the letter to him. Perhaps just writting it will help also, she will get it out of her system. The best thing though, if she gets it to him or not. Is to let go, and move on. Don't dwell on it, it only makes it harder to deal with.

Answer 6

If Lisa, has truly forgiven her grandfather; she should write, and send the letter. However, it is not clear, whether or not, Lisa has forgiven her grandfather. No doubt, forgiving him would be a relief for her. It would be good for her physical, and emotional health.

Maybe, Lisa should write the letter. The process of writing the letter may produce forgiveness. If it does; she can send it. If it doesn't; she need not send it.

Answer 7

Kira, I will keep this short and sweet. Send a very short note with your Dad to hand to your grandfather. Simply write:

"I Forgive You Grandpa!"

Love, Kira

Put in an envelope and that is all that needs to be done on your part. Let the healing begin for both of you. God Bless you in all you do today & every day!!!

Answer 8

If i were put in this situation, i would send the letter. I would not mention the items that were supposed to be mine, I would write a very simple letter. That would say, I know what you did to me all those years ago, I know grandma never believed me, but I just wanted you to know that i forgive you for your weakness and hope you can finish your life without guilt. Or something like that.

Answer 9

Hi,

To forgive and forget is something hard to do, but it is a noble act. People changes through times. A nice person could become something else on the next turn, and so for the wicked type of person. The only thing we should engage is always remember and safeguard ourselves from anything nasty happen to us. Whenever and wherever we are.

Thank you.

Leon.

Answer 10

If it cannot be proven, there is no point to this course of action. He will die and be judged if he is guilty. Nothing good can come of finger pointing. If it must be done, It should be done face to face. A letter has no closure, particularly if it goes unanswered.

Answer 11

Dose she want to forgive him? Then I said yes she should do that and write a book. If this is what she want to do?