I need to make a choice ASAP, need yr help. Serious answers only, pls.?

Question

I'm married 19 years, I'm 48 & hsbnd 41. We hv an overall ok marriage, couple of major crisis. Last winter I got really depressed due to loneliness. Our 2 children didnt wnt to spend time with me (17 and 12 then). Husband works a lot & tired when he was home. He wanted sex a lot but i did not feel cared for or appreciated.
Last May when i was really fighting depression (under Dr care) I met this man online. He is single, 35 y and offered me his sincere love. He lives ovrseas & I feel totally in love with him. Somehow my hsbnd found out i was online too much, all the way until last week he installed and espionage software on PC.
My online bf loves me & wants to marry me, he assumed im divorced, I never clarified. I hv plans to meet him this Nov.
My hsbnd is accepting how much he neglected taking care of me and ask sincerely for a last chance. I know family is + important but I gave 19 ys of my live to 3 people that are ungrateful, I feel used and I realized I desrve to be :)

My bf doesnt even want to move to US, so he is not after papers or moeny. He works hard and he has a simple life. he is very straight and i feel horrible I didnt tell him im married. He makes me feel alive and loved, which I dont at home.

I didnt ask for harsh criticism. I have asked for help. Thanks. I know what I am in is bad...but I can never write all the details of what is behind my problem, so pls be human.

Thanks to all really. U are all wonderful help.
By the way, I have worked hard all my lifer, IM a CPA and hold executive position. 3 years ago I downgraded to part time due to my girl needed help at school, since she has some Learning Disability, not severe, but enough to deman more time.
I hv done lots for my children and husband. I run the house administratively speaking, work from home and take care of domestic part too excpet laundry and cleaning. I pay a cleaning lady. So this is not product of too much idle time...or maybe yes as compared to my full time employment era.

9/7/07
I just want to thank everyone, except 2 or 3 that were insulting or offensive. I see yr hearts nad experience came afloat in trying to help me. Each single answer I read twice and since each one help me much and also because they all helped me see what is the general consense, I cant vote for Best Answer. I consider they are all best answers. Thanks to people that gave me their valuable time and made me feel that my situation was so important to them and helped me. Thanks for the blessings, I needed them .
For this reason I will put this question to vote for Best Answer. Thanks to all.

Answer 1

Is there any reason to believe that you will spend the rest of your life with your new boyfriend? You obviously have forgotten a certain promise you made that said 'forsaking all others til death do us part' . If you go back on that promise, then you can not convince anyone, yourself included, that you intend to live your life with honor. Without honor, you will spend your final days looking back and feeling guilty about the poor choices you made in life. Do not let this be one of them. Your husband has agreed to keep his promise, and not throw your cheating butt into the street, so you should show the same respect, and keep your promise to your husband. Get rid of the on-line lover, who doesn't know the real you anyway if you are lying to him, and stay home with your devoted husband.

Answer 2

You need to take care of home first honey! The situation with your children and husband isn't going to just go away once you start a new relationship. Depression is an illness.. a serious one at that.. and the fact that you're battling that while having problems at home says to me you're not giving your family a fair fight in this. Remember that your online bf is fulfilling a need right now... one that your husband and kids could if you work through your depression and find your way out of that dark forest of lonliness. You have teenagers at home and even in the happiest homes, they can come off as cold and ungrateful! Your online bf may be a great man, but there's a good chance he's lying to you too so don't feel so bad for him. There is NO way you can verify anything he even "types" to you is true.

Practice gratitude, my friend, and give your family and marriage a chance before completely moving on.. and that means no outside influences to sway you. Good luck!

Answer 3

You never mentioned you have met this guy you talk to online. You really have no clue that everything he has told you is the truth. You can assume until the cows come home, but that is not fact.

Of course an online affair seems exciting...its new, fresh and he is saying everything you want to hear whether it is the truth or not.

You need to deal with reality.

Your kids are teenagers and you want to feel appreciated. If you and your husband had taught them respect, then guess what, you would have it now. Even still...they are teenagers...its all hormones for them and their lives...it isn't about you any more.

As for your husband...you said it yourself...he works alot and all he wants is sex....well since when did sex become a duty for you? Making love to your spouse is suppose to be an expression of love. If it has gotten reduced to just sex, then maybe you need to spice it up.

There is no reason why you cannot feel HAPPY at home. If you do this, you are telling your daughter this is how a wife and mother is suppose to act AND you are telling your son this is what a woman is all about...unfaithful and can't wait to abandon her children for some guy she met online.

What kind of example is that?

Answer 4

First you should ask yourself what you really want in your life, then think it a thousand times either which decision you will make you can handle all the circumstances. It maybe bad or worst to others people eyes but the important is your happiness. We only travel this life once so live it to fullest and the most important of all is that you are happy with your decision. But be sure to know your feeling if you are willing to leave your husband or your just feeling depress from all this years but actually you still have love for your husband. If you have still a little feeling towards your husband then its better to give it a try to reconcile with him.......for you and your children. But.......if you are sure you are falling out of love with him then follow your heart. You just need time to talk and let your children understand the situation. when the time come your children are already grown up and fall in love, im sure they will understand your situation. Just remember all of us has the right to live in our own way not what others trying to tell us how to live. Thats your LIFE!!! As long you will find your happiness then go............no need to hesitate.

Answer 5

It doesnt matter what caused the depression , it doesnt matter why your children dont want to spend time with you , it doesnt matter that your husband was to busy working and supporting a family and a home to pay you the attention you felt you were missing.

What does matter is you lied , cheated and manipulated both your husband , your children and this man on line , you thought that by speaking on line you could become a whole other person and push your responsibilities as a wife and a mother aside because your needs mattered more.

What your going to find out is when you go , your depression wont stay at bay for long because your guilt at abandoning your children will eat you alive I know this for a fact , you will become closed up and shut off from the world , then you will get back on line and find another man to cheat with on the guy your cheating with now.

You didnt want harsh critisism you came to the wrong place , you want someone to pat you on the back and say its ok go ahead go see a shrink.

Your kids are going to hate you can you live with that? I know I couldnt.

What ever come's your way you deserve thats all I am going to say now because people like you make me litteraly sick.

Answer 6

It's not the bf that is making you feel so nice. It's having someone to flatter and pay attention to you. Tell your husband what you really need...attention, time together, give him a chance and put the bf on the back burner for a bit. Be very sure of what you think you want....."You never know what you have till it's gone....been there, was married for 20 years, found someone who was "so wonderful" left the husband, and now sitting in a recliner 10 feet away is the "wonderful flattering man" who hasn't said anything for the last 3 days and I am miserable. Be very careful

Answer 7

First things first, you need to be straight up with both of them. Tell them that if they care for you, they will behave like adults and help you figure out what's best for you.

A lie is no way to start a new relationship, and you have to earn the right to leave the last one. I know there's not much you can do about depression, but think of the effect that would've had on you hubby and kids, perhaps they have reasons for their neglect that you may have contributed to.

Other than all that, it seems as though you really ought to work on yourself rather than man-hopping all over the world. Why do you have to decide right now? I think you should still meet with this man, you owe him that, he has helped you through a difficult time, just keep it plutonic if you're still married.

Answer 8

Depression has the tendency to turn people inward into themselves and their own misery. Everyone around a depressed mind, especially those who are close such as a husband or significant other becomes a reflection of this misery. The depressed mind only sees the negative and not only that, but projects the painful aspects of the self onto those around her. Depression makes you dislike your husband even if you desperately wanted things to work out between you and your husband, you can't because of the depression.

The online guy doesn't get this butt end of depression. He's far away and abstracted. You don't really know him because when you're depressed, you can't really know anyone. You feel you do know him because you may be telling him too much and much of which is merely the depression talking, but that sort of carefree sort of intimacy that can be achieved over the internet tricks you. There is no risks in sharing with him because you can just log off or block him.

And it tricks you because of your depression. When you're depressed you can distract yourself, find some relief by doing something else and the internet and chatting requires a certain degree of multi-tasking. You can forget about your depression because you're too busy using your computer! You think it's that man overseas that is making you happy and helping you feel less lonely, but in reality you're not happy or less lonely. You are merely distracted with the multi-tasking chore that is using instant messanging.

And your depression is tricking you. Perhaps this man has been through depression or is currently depressed if he is sharing these things with you, you feel better, less alone and yet not really content, just content in your misery. Misery loves company dear.

What to do? Get into therapy. Don't just take medication, but if you're on meds continue to take them. Meds alone won't cure your depression. Cognitive behavioral therapy is supposed to be really good. Ask your husband to get into couples therapy with you as well. He needs to understand your illness and you both need to work extra hard not to let it ruin your marriage. You also need to ditch the internet guy. Find another distracting hobby for now, such as yahoo answers or free online games.

Answer 9

Simple fact - you can't love someone you have never met - that isn't how love works. Just like you have not been completely honest with him about your marriage, he could be lying to you about things...that isn't love. You felt neglected by your husband and this is filling your void - that is all it is.

Get off the computer and into marriage counseling. You don't throw away stability for someone you don't even know, and have no idea if it would work or not. Do not meet this man in November - that would be the biggest mistake you could make in your life thus far.

Think of your children, you don't destroy their life for an online emotional affair.

Answer 10

First, you don't deserve to be used--no one does. Secondly, you have to take care of you and your family first. This means making a decision about what you want and making sure you leave (or work through) issues with your family before jumping into another relationship. My thought is that even if you make a decision to leave for you, then do that. But don't leave to be with another person. You probably should take some time for yourself and to "transition" out of your current situation. Also, do not discount the stress you will incur on your own behalf and your children's if you leave the marriage. Take at least a year to work this out. Lastly, always be honest with new people. E.g. tell your online bf your true situation -- let him make the decision to deal with whatever -- manipulating only lasts so long and eventually you will lose that person WHEN they find out the truth. Also, sometimes all you have is your "word" and "integrity." Keep that intact at all times. Best of luck. P.S. Children are ungrateful unless you teach them otherwise.