Should I divorce my kids dad? They are young...?

Question

I had actually filed last year. We went through full custody hearings, the works. Soon after, he called me to proclaim that he'd "beaten my *** in court" and got "his kids back," but now he wants his wife back too. I didn't really want him back, I'm sick of it all but we went into counseling anyway. After few months I see he doesn't really want to change, he doesn't want to work on it - he just wants to keep his "family". He constanty undermines me in front of kids, telling them they don't have to mind me, letting them do stuff I just told them they can't do, letting them sleep in bed with him (then there's no room for me in the bed and I have to sleep in my kids bed or on the couch), picks fights, provokes me in front of kids. I asked him if he wants me to leave - he just grins and says "do what you want - I just want MY kids with me." Occasionally after an episode he'll bring home flowers. But nothing has changed. I am in despair. I feel trapped and humiliated in this marriage.

Answer 1

You just have to make sure you document proof of his behavior, then later on, when your kids grow up, they will understand. Get witnesses and maybe even video (although that is risky - audio may be easier). Trust me, you sound a lot like my parents, except my mom waited years and years before she finally divorced him. 20 years of marriage. I was 14. I blamed her at first because he convinced me it was her fault. I wondered why, after 20 years, they would divorce. It just didn't make sense to me, except that SHE wanted the divorce so it must be HER fault. He fought for us, but fortunately a hard-working employed mother is a lot better in the eyes of the court system than an deadbeat Father who can't hold down a job. I don't think he ever had a chance, since SO many people witnessed his put-downs and infedelity - all except me and my brothers who were clueless. We took it hard and really blamed my mom. He would buy us tons of stuff after the divorce and let us do whatever we wanted to gain our favor and litter our minds with propaganda concerning the marriage. He even almost convinced me to go to court with him and agree to stay with him. Fortunately, the court is pretty good at noticing when a child's mind is being manipulated and it never went that far - he knew it wouldn't work. I am really glad I was never put in that situation, because I don't know what I would have said, or how I would have turned out. We grew up and learned about the way he treated her. She knew not to bad-mouth him while we were young, a child's mind should not be subjected to adult problems. She was very mature and admirable about the divorce. She told us, piece by piece, about the way he treated her as we grew up - kind of like the way you learn about things in school. Gradually, the material gets harder and more in-depth. My father never speaks of it - neither denies nor admits to the treatment, and I hardly ever see him. I am 22 and see him maybe twice a year. Now she is my hero, and am glad that she divorced him. However, I cannot say that I wish she divorced him earlier or later, because that may or may not have drastically changed my life - the way I am now. I am 22, married, am an officer in the Air Force, own a house, and hope to soon have a child.

My younger brother is 3 years younger than I and is not doing too well. My father managed to place a permanent guilt-trip in his head, and until he was the age of 18, always did as our father said (even if my mother said he couldn't visit my dad). My bro would let my father in our (my mothers) house whenever he liked, and was always my dad's lap-dog. Now he has no respect for anyone. Not me, my dad, my mom - no one. He is a high-school dropout and can't hold a job at the age of 19. He had all the same opportunities I had, but I don't know if he turned out the way he did because of the timing of the divorce, or just because that is his personality.

My older bro was 19 at the age of the divorce, and it's hard to gauge his reaction because he did not live with us. All I can say is that he was an academic genius in high school, and in the first year of college. But after that he got bad grades and quit college. He witnessed the most of my dad's behavior to my mom - including the alcoholism that was before I was born. However, now at the age of 28, he finally got his degree and has a steady paying job at a University, but is still unmarried and lives like a bachelor (beer and friends).

It's really up to you to make the decision. I say go for it, but I am a strong person who listens to all the facts before making a judgment. I am always seeking to make my life (and all the lives around me) better. I can't say the same about my brothers. However, we were all raised good, to treat people properly (even our Dad taught us to treat people right), and I think in the end we will all be successful and happy, and even have a relationship with our Dad.

I must say, though, it is wierd when your parents hate each other and never speak to one another, and then have to invite them both to your wedding. Try not to burn your bridges. Although you may not want to have a relationship with him, you have to remember that they do. However, he may be childish like my Dad and never let go of it. To this day, my Dad still talks trash about my mom and blames her for the divorce. I used to ignore it, but now I just leave when he mentions it. He stopped mentioning it after I started leaving.

I know how hard it is for you, but I hope that my perspective helps you in your predicament. Just try and remember that you CANNOT stoop to his level, for you will risk losing the respect of your children. If they can learn to step back and see the big picture, then they will understand that you were the adult and he was the child in the relationship. But they will not have the ability to do that until about the age of 16. Just make sure you keep your integrity and pull your punches after the divorce, because he will stoop lower and lower to try and convince your children, and eventually lead to his own demise.

Answer 2

Well, I'm going through a divorce rite now, and the courts here only award custody to the parent who deserves it the most, (we've agreed on joint custody) obviously there are two sides of the story, and then the truth. What he's doing to undermine your parental authority with the kids is wrong, they need a mother and a father. Don't stay in a relationship for the kids sake, they will only be wittiness to a unhealthy relationship, and take that as the norm. Sounds like he just wants to hurt you for some reason. There is always a cause and effect.( My soon-to-be ex is a liar and a cheat, can't manage money, and is a whore. That was our cause, the effect was that I lost my temper, broke her cell phone, and poured a beer over her head. I got nailed with Domestic assault because they said I kept her from getting to the phone, even though there are 3 house phones). Somewhere, somehow, you've done something to this guy for him loose the willingness to make you feel loved. Maybe you need to examine your attitude towards him? Maybe you don't treat him with the respect he feels he deserves? Is he a hard worker, does he put a roof over you and your kids heads, does he make sure the bills are paid, and you have a little spending money? The courts gave him custody for a reason, maybe you have some blame? The courts and counseling crews are full of feminazis, I'm just saying its odd for the dad to get full custody... examine yourself before you make your decision.

Answer 3

Thats not good just leave and be strong there is better for u out there. I am in a marriage of 9 years and i disslike being here i feel trapped as well he tells me if i leave i will have no money and the kids will be worse off but i feel the same as u . Time of hurt in the past emtionally i am feeling lost and alone big time. I am sure u can find away to have ur kids and leave to see a government agency for help or a solistor. maybe a social worker may help u find away. hope this helped u contact me if u need my support.

Answer 4

You already know the answer. Apply for custody papers prior to you leaving as then you have priority over the children until the case goes to court. Have money put aside and pick the day. You have done it before, so you know it is hard work, but be strong. Find a support, wether it be family or professional support. There is lots of help out there, and you know it can get better. So GOOD LUCK.

The fact you are asking the questions, shows you know the answer...

Answer 5

YOu should be documenting all this and when you have enough prove go back to court and then you will gain custody. BEcasue a parent shouldn't have his kids deisrespect his other parent. But if je encourages them he will losse this time. For been a father who doesn't care about his children. HE should notice that it isn't right. ALso if you control teh money just make up false bills and hide that money and after you ahve collected enough either go to court and get your children back or just move out. He shoudl respect you more than what he is doing,

Answer 6

its hard but..... you must focus on kids much..... its not only 'bout you. the kids well suffer more than u, try something else.... like try to change yourself, maybe you always give him a cold you.... thats why he feel hard too... show him you ready to give him a chance.... if he cant do exactly what you want, then, just a little more better. so that you two can breath better in one roof. Communicate with each other when you two are not angry..... give each other some oipinion or set ups that well do good for you both and specially for the kids. if you cant talk as husband and wife. talk as an educated one.

Answer 7

I recommend family counseling for you and the boys so you can get the kind of support you need, input on available options for the three of you, and 'gird your loins' for the road ahead.
I think if your sons continue to live with their dad, they'll likely grow up repeating the same behavior they see their father using with the woman he should be respecting and honoring. I wish you would intercede and provide a loving environment in which to teach the boys how to interact with healthy social skills, practice respect and compassion, and other of life's lessons that your husband missed.
Please consult a good family lawyer.
Check out Gloria Allred (yahoo, google) for a little inspiration.
Best wishes.

Answer 8

Divorce his *** quicksmart. Make sure you start doing as much as possible for your kids and people see how much you do as well. Make arrangements for you and the kids to live somewhere else. Don't ever look back again.

The longer you wait the harder it will be on your children. Plus in such a horrid environment I am sure your kids can see this coming and will be relieved when all the torment is over. Sure they will be sad for a while, that is natural, but you have to think of their long term mental health and how they are going to treat their partners when they are older. Monkey see Monkey do.

Answer 9

he doesn't cherish you and he doesn't respect you. tell him that you are gone unless he starts doing both of those things, and follow through. being a single parent is very tough, and he will soon figure that out! don't give up- you will find someone who treats you right. you don't need to sacrifice your own happiness and dignity just so that your kids parents are together. as long as you make sure to keep your kids out of your relationship with your husband (meaning don't trash talk him in front of them or make them feel guilty when they see him, etc.) you will all get through this. make sure your kids don't feel responsible for a divorce if that's what you plan on doing!

Answer 10

Your husband is emotionally abusing you...hoping you will leave him, but thinks you are too dependent on him to do it.

You don't sound very independent....but you need to make your plans without him knowing any of them, until you are ready to leave....because if you want your children, you will have to know how to support them. He is counting on you not doing that.

You can get help from a group for abused women, because that is what he is doing. Leaving him wouldn't be easy, but this marriage isn't going anyplace....so I would get help from a group that helps women, and will protect you from him...which you will need.

If you can stand this situation for awhile...get a job...be able to support yourself...get a baby sitter during the day...and when you are ready.....then make your move. But if you can't wait, find a group to help you...because he could be more abusive than he is now!

Answer 11

By staying you are teaching your children that his behavior is acceptable. Do you really want that? I agree with the answer that said record him, or get a witness to this behavior and get a good lawyer. Leave him and file for custody.