A few of the details. I'm 33, he's 40, we have 2 small boys. He deployed to Iraq and cheated on me with a female soldier there and a KBR contractor on his location. Neither were "emotional" involvements....more...."physical" hook ups....I'm trying to figure out if I'm a fool...or a fighter? I sent him care packages every week....and he says it honestly had nothing to do with me...that it was "mentality" of it all...said the female attention was crazy there with his unit (they had 8 married women deploy in his unit 4 have come home pregnant and their husbands left them...because it happened in Iraq)...and losing people every day....and that it just "happened"....he loves me..doesn't want me to leave....any answers? suggestions? thanks..
2007-08-30 17:49:36 · 25 answers · asked by broken_angell74 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
thanks for all the quick responses...a few up
2007-08-30 18:08:17 · update #1
whoops...a few additional details... 1.) He is remorseful, admitts that the things he told me were not "reasons"....because there are no good reasons...but simply letting me see his state of mind...as messed up as it was. He is back here now...and has put in paperwork to get out of the military. He has his 20 + in. He told me everything....all details..names...everything. He didn't have to do that, I told him that I found a few e-mails and I knew "something" was going on...and he needed to be completely honest with me if he wanted "us" to have any chance. He told me everything...granted it "leaked"out over a 3 day period....because he was afraid with each little detail....it would be too much and I would leave. I didn't. I did tell him, I wanted, if we were to work this out, to re-new our vows in a year...because he broke them all. I am heartbroken and crushed, I am a tender heart..and a romantic....well..used to be. ugh...Help..lol..and thx for your answers.
2007-08-30 18:16:58 · update #2
Bless your heart... you are a good person, and a fantastic mother. It is not you... I will not excuse his horrible lack of judgement. I went through a very similar situation with my husband and his deployment. About the same thing happened. and I was pregnant at home. I ended up losing the baby. I had every reason in the world to hate him, and to do anything to destroy him. Just by chance I went to church (not saying this could work for anyone else. I think for me it was more about getting to a quiet place where I felt safe). I evaluated my situation here at home. Then I thought of his over there. Not knowing if it was all going to end at any given moment ? Did it give him the right to have sex with somebody ? NO.. not at all. However I had to give him credit. He was honest about it, like yours was. Given what they go through.. I had to step back and wait to judge him. That was one of the more difficult decisions of my life. Not one I would tell someone else to make because it is a very personal one. Everyday I would ask myself the same question... Do I forgive him... and I had to tell myself.. Not to day.. try tomorrow, but to him at the time I told him I forgave him. I had about 9 months before he was to come back. And everyday I would do this, and everyday I would do the same thing, until 2 weeks before he came home. By then... I still was hurting quite a bit, but I was more happy with the fact that he was coming home alive. Was I wrong to lie ? Probably, but it kept him safe in my mind, because he didn't have to worry about his wife leaving him while he was dodging bullets over there. That was three years ago... today I wouldn't give up the happiness I found by reconnecting with him for nothing in the world. Some things are forgivable for some people. I healed with forgiveness and I don't regret it for nothing. Good luck!
2007-08-30 18:15:14 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a reallly screwed up situation.
What if you had cheated on him, while he was in Iraq? Would he be so forgiving? Would he care?
Sounds like he's taking you for granted. He is assuming that, because you have his children, that you'll just stick around if he says, "I'm sorry".
Was he thinking about you and his children back home when he was screwing these other people? What a dumb a**
I would make him beg and prove that he deserves to be forgiven.
Truthfully, you shouldn't even stay with him. He's proven his true colors...And he didn't even tell you!
You had to figure it out through emails.
What makes you think he won't go and do this crap again? He was secretive about it the first time around.
Just consider these things...and if this is the kind of marriage you want to have.
2007-08-31 02:35:23 · answer #2 · answered by darkening_hope 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since i am not in your shoes I can't really answer this for you.
So you still love him? If so then it is worth fighting for. There are marriage counselors availible on post along with chaplains, highly reccomend taking advantage of that. Please know that the high stress combat situation isn't an excuse, lots of soldiers do NOT have affairs while over seas. He may need to see a counselor independantly as well to discuss what lead him to this, there may be more underlying issues.
I do not think that you are foolish, believe me on that one I live on post and I have seen this a few times, some relationships have been repaired after much work, and others didn't want to go through the trouble. If you BOTH are willing to go to counseling it is worth the effort to at least try.
I hope all works out for you.
B.
2007-08-30 19:22:13 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Never help to give a man an excuse for cheating and deception. Your husband was an opportunist. He had a chance to cheat and took full advantage, period. There are thousands of men deployed and away from wives who don't cheat. Did you feel the need to cheat while he was away? Ok then. Only you can decide whether or not you will ever be able to trust him again. Hopefully, you won't have to go away for a weekend somewhere.
2007-08-30 18:49:57 · answer #4 · answered by Sondra 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
These things don't just happen. You don't suddenly find yourself having sex with somebody not knowing how you got there. At some point, he made that choice. At the same time, it's got to be really crazy stressful over there and sometimes people can do stupid stuff they wouldn't normally do when they're under a lot of pressure.
If he seems genuinely sorry and takes responsibility for what happened and seems to really appreciate that he hurt you by doing that, I don't think you're a fool for trying to save your marriage. If I were you, though, I'd want him out of that environment, which means out of the armed forces ASAP to avoid another deployment where he might get caught up in that mentality. I might also want him tested for STDs after those casual hookups.
2007-08-30 18:03:59 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Well only you can make the decision. That's a tough one. I'd have a hard time forgiving and I'd have a heck of a hard time trusting. If you think you can move on and forgive him then for your little boy's sake you should try. Only you know if you can keep it going. I don't think you are a fool. I would be heart broken if I was you and I'd probably tell him to pack his bags but I also think that it is your life and you need to do what is right for you. What does your gut tell you. Can you forgive and move on? Can you trust him now that he is back from Iraq and what about the next time he is sent away????
2007-08-30 18:02:49 · answer #6 · answered by Desiderata 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first thing you must know is if you want to save your marriage and if you find yourself alone in this desire, waiting for the other spouse to make the first move is the beginning of the end. Learn here https://bitly.im/aMotb If you are looking for someone to blame or someone else to put the emotional and physical work into saving the marriage, again, it's going to fail.
2016-05-18 02:11:42 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's totally up to you. I think I can understand the stress, fears, etc of being in Iraq. However, coming back to the real world, will he be trusted not to stray? If you want to stay in your marriage, you both need to go to a marriage counselor. Talk things out and agree on the outcome. You have 2 boys to consider, but don't stay for the "sake of the kids". It makes it hard on them if there is tension in the house. They know & can feel these things. Good luck & God bless!
2007-08-30 18:00:42 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think you are doing a good thing by trying to work it out. I know it hurts you a lot, but I do believe in doing everything possible to save a marriage.
If you are able to forgive, the trust will come back in time.
You are a fighter, not a fool.
2007-08-30 18:43:56 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Twice, ouch....... if he feels wrongly about it, you need to be sure that he won`t do it again..he knows he did wrong, and is feeling remorseful about it. Over there , life can be lost in the blink of an eye. Emotions are high , stress is even higher..need a release.. few drinks, she`s there,might die tomorrow, might be the last time...
I don`t condone this type of behaviour, but put yourself in his shoes..
I`m sure he is very sorry, he is doing his duty for his country , and deserves something for that.. he made 2 mistakes, you could look at it as he made 1 big one, and tell him that you cannot tolerate his behaviour.If he does it again, that you will move on. Bless your heart for remaining a steadfast wife and not cheating on him while he was away protecting freedom...
katydint,excellent answer!
2007-08-30 18:02:33 · answer #10 · answered by I tell it like it is 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋