I need some advice from those who have been physically threatened or abused by significant other?

Question

I am engaged and at times during an arguement/verbal fight he says he "could just punch me in the face" or push me out of his truck. Never has but makes comments. About 1 month ago we were arguing and I honestly dont recall exactly what I said but next think I know he is on top of me choking me on our bed, he was squeezing hard enough to scare me. He stopped and I told him recently that he scared me when he did that he apologized again but says I say things to make him mad. He does have a foul mouth when it comes to arguing he has no problem calling me a f...b...or the c word. Then we argue last night and I made a comment to him and laughed at him & he came running down the steps to me and was kinda on top of me like he was going to choke me but he didnt. I have told not a soul about this. I have been with him 4yrs, in conversations I have mentioned us going to counseling & he wants no part of it. Has anyone ever had this happen to them? What was your outcome? Thank you

Answer 1

RUN, don't simply walk away from this relationship.

I escaped an abusive husband 10 years ago. It started out like you describe, and then became full-blown uncontrolled rage after we married. I used to take the pets, drive the car to a local hospital, and sit in the parking lot all night just to hide from him. By the next morning he would usually calm down, but leaving the house before he could get to me was the only way to avoid being hurt.

One month after I left him, he beat up a girlfriend I didn't know he'd had on the side....broke her nose and put her in the hospital for a few weeks.

Last I heard, he's still out of control today. As for me - I have a beautiful husband who treats me with kindness....and I don't have to be afraid or ashamed or abused in my own home. Home should be the place we escape to - not the place we have to run away from.

Drop this loser immediately and get your life back! You can't help him, and since you aren't the CAUSE of his problems, you can't be the CURE either. LET HIM GO!

Answer 2

I can't even read it all because I know I'll get sick. Count your blessings you have not married him and GET OUT NOW! It only gets worse; it doesn't get better. And that's the biggest excuse and sign of an abuser "YOU make me mad." Nobody MAKES you mad, that is something you choose to be. Abusers always lay the blame on YOU! And then they cut you off from family and friends. And what should really set the alarms off is the "No," to counseling. Which doesn't really matter since I've never yet seen it work. But the unwillingness in itself should start you running. Darlin' find somebody who will apppreciate you instead of abusing you!!PLEASE!!! I had a girfriend in the same situation. He put a gun to her head (supposedly just to scare her because there weren't any bullets in it). There was. She's dead. All because some man stared too long at her breasts when they were out to listen to a DJ ( as if she could control who looks at her breasts?) Get out NOW!!! Nobody that loves you and respects you will foul mouth you. God Bless. Please listen to all the help you're getting on here. I can't even read all the answers 'cause I just get sick. He will always apologize- until the next time!!! Living your entire life in fear never knowing what'll freak him out is no way to live. VALUE YOURSELF and get out, and you WILL find someone who will respect and appreciate you! Don't be another statistic! PLEASE!!!

Answer 3

Abuse ALWAYS escallates. If he's choking you now, it will be a matter of time before you are either hospitalized or dead. Which of those outcomes sound good to you? Because what you're doing now is hoping that this creep is going to miraculously change. Not gonna happen sister. The therapeutic outcomes for abusers is very, very poor. At this level, the only thing that will stop him is jail. And, what will probably put him in jail is murder. It's up to you to decide whether or not you will be the one who is murdered.

Answer 4

GET OUT NOW!!!! You have allowed him to continue in this behaviour and it only gets worse. The worst part is, that it will continue AFTER you are gone. He will do it to someone else and you will allow it to happen to yourself. UNLESS you go and get some help and find out why you think you deserve to be treated like dirt.
There is a cycle of abuse and it is true to form.
1) He gets mad and blows up (breaks things, chokes or punches you, uses foul language or harms the children.)
2) he calms right down after the blow out and apologizes profusely (I am sorry, I will never do it again, I will go for counselling, I love you but you say things that make me mad)
3) he begins to do special little things (buying flowers, getting up with the kids, allowing you time with your friends, family etc)
4) he begins to minimize the hurt he has dealt you, 'You made me mad.' 'If you hadn't said that I wouldn't have done that.' 'I don't know my own strength.' 'I had a bad day at work and you pissed me off.'
5) You can feel the pressure building and you start to walk on eggshells. You even go so far as to TAUNT him to get it over and done with becasue it would be better if he blew small instead of the awful fights you know will occur.
6.) He blows up, he hurts you, punches you, breaks stuff and curses at you....
You see where this is going?
Get into a safe shelter. Just because you defend yourself or 'bring it on is NO EXCUSE for him to CHOOSE to act in that manner. He can make another choice. He canot blame you for what he chooses to do to you. That is NOT your choice. He owns that, not you!
GET OUT NOW, get to a safe shelter and get some counselling on women being abuse. If you have kids TAKE THEM WITH, They will be the next target when you are not there.
75% of boys brought up in homes where they saw or heard abuse become violent abusers themselves. MORE than 80% of girls become victims and sometimes way worse than you are. Do what is right for your family. After all 'till death do us part' should not be a self fulfilling prophecy!

Answer 5

It hasnt happened to me personally, but I have been involved with abused women who have gotten out of their relationship. What your fiance says about you saying things to make him angry is what every abusive man says. "If you didnt say that, then I wouldnt have done this". It is totally unacceptable. Of course he won't go to counselling, he likes the power he has over you. The chance of him being rehabilitated is very slim and I can guarantee that if you marry him, then it will get worse. He may end up killing you. Choking you is no laughing matter. He verbally abuses you and he physically abuses you. Please, whatever you do, get away from this man before it's too late. Don't be hasty though because if you confront him on this issue he may seriously hurt you. My suggestion is that you talk to a domestic violence counsellor who will explain things more to you. You need to be making a plan to leave. You also have to tell someone what is happening so as you will have some support. It is imperative that this person keeps it to themselves because if he knows you have spoken to anyone about it, he may very well take his anger out on you. It WILL get worse, make no mistakes about it. You may think he loves you, but a person who is abusive only knows what its like to control someone.....and that's not love. It will be very hard to leave him, but it will be even harder if you marry him, then realise you are his battering ram. Please, dont end up a statistic....talk to someone, get some help.

Answer 6

i was abused by my ex. we were togeather for 5 years and the abuse started after 2. I broke up with him but got back togeather and wasted 3 years on a looser. Get rid of him now. I know its hard and i still dont know how i managed to leave. but think about it now, do you want to have kids with this man and have them watch him do that to you or call you a b*tch in front of them. He wont change and what happens if next time he does choke you just that little bit harder and you die. Accident or on purpose it CAN happen. Think about yourself and find some one who is better for you. YOU ARE TO GOOD TO TAKE THAT CRAP FROM A MAN!! And just coz they say sorry doesnt mean they wont do it again. THEY WILL!!!

Answer 7

You are in what is called a domestic violence relationship. Whether you see it or not. You need help. Call your local battered woman's shelter and speak to a counselor there about support groups and getting help. It is also verbal abuse I know first hand that is worse than the physical because of the mental strain it can leave on you. Good luck and God Bless

Answer 8

I would agree with those who advise to break off your engagement and get away from this guy as soon as possible. You deserve better than this creep! Chances are overwhelming that this abuse will get worse as time goes on. Two big red flags are 1) he blames you for his behavior instead of taking full responsibility for losing control and 2) he is not willing to seek help (which means, IMO, he doesn't really understand how inappropriate his behavior is and therefore, what would motivate him to ever change?).

I think people sometimes (SOMEtimes) can get better in these situations, but CERTAINLY not if they are unwilling to take responsibility for their own mistakes, nor are they willing to admit they need help and get it!

Answer 9

This has never happened to me. Me and my significant other have gotten into close arguements but he just bites his tounge. Do I think he'll ever hit me. NO. But my mom has had this problem and she really regrets it. If you think he's going to do it in the future talk to him because love is a big thing and if it's not worth it find a person that will treat you better! Best luck to you.

Answer 10

Been with my man 6 years and he just did the same thing to me the other night, choked me, so I put my foot through our 1200 dollar TV. Threw his phone in the toilet and busted the home phone against the wall..The next day he realized its not worth it to **** with me and had to go spend another 1600 dollars for anew tv. He was alsodrinking and has now decided to quit or I would have him arrested. I still love him but thats the last time ....