Please help--don't just judge?

Question

My 9 year old stepson has multiple disabilities--severe retardation, cerebral palsy, seizure disorder, non-verbal. He is however, able to walk, laugh & smile. He is LOUD (squawking, shrieking, squealing), chews his hands constantly, licks just about everything and smears saliva on every object he eventually touches. It's repulsive to watch him being fed---he spreads food and drink all over his face, hair, etc. He takes crushed medication with each meal and typically doesn't chew or swallow foods very quickly ---lots of "seafood" going on. His presence in our house---when visiting (he lives primarily with his mom) causes me to be edgy and irritable. It's grotesque. I'm sorry that the truth is so blunt, but it's true. My husband wipes his face and hands with the kitchen towels and cloths. I hide clean cloths that I feel I can use because the thought of sharing his germ-infested items is revolting. His shrieking is so unnerving-- it feels like nails on a chalk board. It's hard to accept.

Answer 1

What was the question?

Answer 2

First of all, I'm not going to judge you. I do find it a bit odd that you went ahead with marrying a man whose son makes you so uncomfortable though. You should not feel guilty because something you are unfamiliar with makes you nervous. From what I can tell, you are trying your best, and that it even concerns you that you feel this way indicates to me that you are trying.

I'm afraid I don't have much by way of advice to give you except to offer my sympathy. That's a tough situation, not one many people could handle. I see nothing wrong with keeping separate towels and such for hygiene purposes, but I wouldn't know what to do about the loud noises. People think I'm terrible because I can't stand to be around crying babies. If I'm at a restaurant and some kid shrieks, I cringe. I've moved before to avoid children.

I guess all you can do is maybe explain to your husband how it unnerves you, and maybe you don't have to be present during his meals? I wish you luck my friend.

Answer 3

You might want to consider talking to your husband and being honest with him. Ask him if it would be a problem if you left for a time while he's there. Tell him that while initially you thought you would be able to handle this, you are finding it more difficult and you don't feel strong enough to handle it. Offer to help out in some other way: getting the house ready, cooking, or perhaps contact an agency that could assist with the caregiving of this child while he visits you. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and not every person is capable of dealing with a disabled child or a disabled adult. That doesn't make you a bad person. So, be honest with your husband and try to figure out alternative ways to deal with this.

Answer 4

I know how you feel. I dated a nice woman with a boy just like you describe, He was 9 at the time (3 years ago). To this day I'm not sure why I stopped seeing her, her child, her or maybe the incredible amount of time she devoted to this boy. I feel bad about this but it was too much for me.

My children were somewhat afraid of him and certainly freaked out as he was just as you described. I really have no advice. Over some time I got somewhat used to it. Keep thinking that somewhere inside that body is a child that needs help and love. I hope you can cope because your husband needs you too. Maybe you can run some errands work outside in the yard etc. to relieve your stress when the boy visits.

Best wishes

Answer 5

Did you not about the son before you married your husband? You need to get over yourself and consider your husband.
If you want him to use certain towels, then let him know and keep them clean and ready for use. Try being a little understanding and helpful.
You made the commitment. Be an adult and help and be compassionate. You may be in the same situation someday if you have a stroke. How would you feel if people were disgusted by watching you drool out the side of your mouth and soil yourself?

Answer 6

I understand totally. But he can't help it. He's a child. You are going to have to learn to deal with it. I'm sorry to be so blunt about it. My little brother was diagnosed with leukemia just before he turned 3 and the chemo he received caused him to have a stroke and he also had seizures. He's 9 yrs old now. He's been learning to talk again and walk again and everything. He's a huge drooler, and when he eats its a mess. He's also a shrieker and squealer. But none of us care about that. We all just deal with it cause we love him. If your step son drools he has to be cleaned up, if he's made a mess eating he has to be cleaned up. Just because he has disabilities doesn't mean he's all germy. Everyone is all germy, sorry to tell ya. If you wash your towels then it will be alright to use them around the house again. I know its hard to accept, but you knew he was a part of your husband's life when you married him. You have to take the good with the bad. Just think about how hard it must have been for his parents to accept that their baby was born with problems, but they love him. I'm not judging you, but if you can be blunt so can we. Honestly my thoughts about this are if you don't want him as a part of your life or you are that grossed out by a child then maybe you shouldn't be with his father. I'm sorry that the truth is so blunt. I guess I just see things differently. I see everyday with a child (even if that child is disabled) as a blessing. I wouldn't trade my little brother for anything, even if he is a messy eater. This is just my opinion, take it or leave it. Sorry to be so blunt. I'm not judging, I know its hard to deal with a child that has disabilities. Maybe you should spend more time laughing with him and focusing on happy things. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

It is very hard to get over those types of things, especially when he's not biologically yours. I'm not really sure what your question is or how I can help you. I actually work with the disabled, many that are just like your stepson. Unless you are just totally in-compassionate you will get used to it, it takes a little time. After working with them a while I got used to the noises, which used to scare the crap out of me and was amazed at how more like we they are than I thought. Yes, they have a lot of differences but they know more than you'd think. I really hope that you learn to accept and love your stepson, I'm sure you will. It may take some time though, try helping him with things, like feedings, bathing etc.

Answer 8

I wouldn't judge you, because you sound as if you wished you didn't feel this way. I understand that you really don't have a question, you have a feeling that you want someone to excuse you from or identify with you. I am not going to judge you. You can't help the way you feel. Allot of people really don't have a strong stomach. There's no way that you can tell your husband how you feel, without offending him. The only thing I can say is to try to find some kind of outside thing to do when he's there. I really feel sorry for you.

Answer 9

what a cold hearted "C**T" (and i hardly everrrrrrrr use that word you are.. im sorry i dont feel bad for u what some ever.. i have a child that has had medical issues since he was born, ive fought long and hard to keep him alive, and he's also deaf and i know the squawking , shrieking and squealing your referring to.. This child can not help it.. this child is special and has special needs and if it was your son, u'd feel so differently, but since its not, and its actually putting upon you, ur being a total B**CH about it. The mother should be a saint.. for doing everything she's done, u cant handle it on visitations, yet she handles it every day.. her only break is when u take him.. and u cant even handle that.. and i doubt that he was a hidden secret that u didnt know about before marrying ur husband, so YOU CHOSE this life....Ive worked with disabled kids.. my uncle is menatly slow, my best friends daughter has CF, and she has a son thats autistic as well.. and i find u pathetic, cold hearted, and DOWN RIGHT EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u only have to take care of him on "visits" and u cant handle it.. MY SUGGESTION TO YOU IS DIVORCE UR HUSBAND.. why? because he deserves to have a better step mother for his son, and his son deserves people in his life that will actually love him not go on a question and answers line and ridcule him and practically make fun of him, TRY LIVING A DAY IN HIS LIFE.. he has to put up with this ridicule every where he turns, the last place he should ever feel unwanted is at home or in his fathers home.. id wish for u to have a child with special needs but id never wish the likes of someone like u on any child u dont deserve children at all.. your to cold hearted and selfish.. i hope your husband realizes what ur all about and leaves u.. and i will judge u , because your judging him.. so stop being a hypocrite.. theres no real question just a statement of you being a mean hateful person towards someone that cant defend themselves.. there was no.. how do i handle this .. or how can i cope it was u being spiteful and vindictive and full of hate.. gods watching and he'll be the one to really judge u....

YOUR ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

Dealing with disabilities is hard to do. You need to try and be a little more understanding, he can't help it. True Love is unconditional, You need to stop thinking about yourself and think about your husband and his feelings, it would probably devastate him to know how you feel about his son. You said don't just judge! But yet your judging him, he can't help the way he is.

additional: Are you trying to get someone to tell you that they way your acting is acceptable? He knows how you feel about him. The reason I've said all this is because you've posted a question like this before.

Answer 11

You by far have got to be the most cruelest person I have ever seen on YA. I sincerely hope this is only a sick joke....You married your husband and had to have known about his son having multiple disabilities. I don't even have any suggestions for you...I am rather disgusted and speechless.

EDIT: All you have to do is do a little research on some people and I have found a few contradictions with this person. Perhaps they are being honest.....and sincerely do feel sorry for them....but like I said...contradictions in advise to others.

THANK YOU SXYBRWNEYEDIRL! Someone finally agrees with me!