Am I going nuts?

Question

I feel like my husband does not talk to me. He wants to put our son behind us and I don't.

Son is alive and well but just overly abusive to us.

Our son is fixing to be 21. He has done this for a LONG TIME. I have a restraining order on him at this time. I promised myself when my kids were born I would not abuse them or abandon them like my mom did me. Well I have come to the conclusion I have to MAKE him understand he can't do this to us anymore. He is on his own until he gets help or really asks for it this time. But a REAL DOC. has to call us.

Answer 1

silvrhawk, I would first like to say that you are very overwhelmed with all of these issues, and it is totally understandable. I briefly looked at your prior posts, not to be meddling, just to get a better understanding. I too am a mother, so I can relate to feeling guilty about asking ourselves, What did I do wrong? My son is 22, and although our situation differs, he has (my son) always been a hand full. My husband and I brought him up with love, morals, and all the things that we thought good parents should instill in their children. I too realize that now, it is up to my son to make the right choices and decisions. That is all any good parent can do. I am sorry that you have to have a restraining order against your son, however it is probably what he needs to see. I know you love him, but sometimes we are too protective (myself included) and our children need to know that there is a limit to what we will allow, and that making bad decisions will bring negative consequences. My son has had a few minor issues when he was younger, but always had a problem with taking ownership of his responsibilities. My husband and I know in our hearts that we did not do anything wrong, but it is very difficult not to second guess. Regarding your husband, sometimes men can not express their emotions for they see it as a sign of weakness or failure. We as women, generally speaking, are the born nurturers. I think that your decision to seek counseling was very wise, and hope that you are seeing a good therapist to guide you towards a brighter future.I too suffer from Post Traumatic Stress, so I can relate to you on that level. Is your husband willing to go to counseling with you? For the sake of your family, I hope he would consider that avenue.I sincerely hope that your son realizes himself that he needs professional help. I agree, never give up on your child. As a mother my heart goes out to you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Get in touch if you need to vent, or just need someone to listen, Irish..........EDIT: silvrhawk, I would like to add that all children that have problems DO NOT always come from bad parenting nor are they ALL products of their home envirenment!

Answer 2

I am with your husband on this one. Abuse is abuse and it is wrong. Would you stay with your husband if he abused you? Would you want your son to stay with a wife that abused him?

I don't envy your situation. There is a reason why your son is abusive and you haven't posted and I can not guess what it is but it sounds like it would be a root cause problem. If you son can be helped (meaning he wants to help himself) then you need to set aside time to do that and find someone else other than your husband to talk about your son about because you will need to talk about this hard situation with someone but it sounds like your husbands ears are closed (and may be for good reasons). You also need to work on your relationship with your husband. Validate what you can with him and let him know where you stand and that you don't want this boy to be in between you anymore. Let him know what your doing but don't come back to him with a "you were wrong, he is all better now" OR a "you were right, he can't be fixed because he doesn't want ot be fixed". Just leave your husband out of it.

How old is your son? Is he still living in the house? This matters a lot to us understanding your situation and helping you with a halfway decent answer.

Answer 3

I think that you are doing the right thing for your son. He will eventually see that he needs help and seek it. Don't let him abuse you anymore. I think what your husband might be trying to say is that he doesn't want your son to do these things and it makes more sense to put it behind you than to deal with it. Though that isn't the correct way to do this, you have made a start to seperating yourself from the situation which may help you son to see that he has a problem. In the worst case he won't until he has gotten into some trouble.

Answer 4

i understand what you are saying about not giving up on your child. coming from a situation where you felt abandoned. but do keep in mind your son understands your heart. he is using it against you to manipulate your feelings. he is not abandoned. you probably gave him way too much in his childhood and he never understood there were boundaries. unfortunately now is the time to teach him what you did not when he was young. be a good parent join with your husband. do not allow him to divide and conquer as he probably has his entire life....hence your husbands anger... stand with your husband in a way you have not in the past. together you will win your son back after he earns your trust. and shows you the respect you both deserve. if he doesn't come to understand he is wrong. then the best thing you can do is let go of his adult hand. do remember he is not a 4 year old crossing the street. as a mother i know there is a time to let the bird fly or fall.

Answer 5

I know that you feel as if you are if you and your husband can not agree on how to best handle your son. Some compromise is better than ignoring the problem. One of you has to give a bit more and try for the sake of your marriage. There is time as long as the two of you work together. Your son has to make some changes. Miracles happen. I hope this gets better soon. C. :)!!

Answer 6

At the age of 21 he should know how to respect and treat people. I agree that he needs help, but he is old enough to get it on his own. You dedicated your life to him, now it's time to do something for you. You don't have to stop loving him if you walk away, you just need your distance. Being there if and when he truly needs you is what being a parent is, not putting up with his bull **** when he is a grown man. Take a step back and let him fail.. He has to hit bottom in order to crawl back up. It will serve the both of you well.

Answer 7

No, you are not going nuts. You are just a mom who has a very hard decision to make. You have to let your son make his own path in life and follow it. He is not going to get help until something happens or he gets into trouble and he'll have no choice. You and your husband did all you could I'm sure. Your place right now is to live your life and let him live his. I'm sure it is hard. I am a mother of 3 children, but they are young yet. I gave my mother problems and she had to exit out of my life for a little while and I had to find out the hard way and I had to want to change. And I did. I got my life together and I can say that I can thank my mom for that. she never enabled me or even helped me out. I had to want it for myself. Same with your son. You have to let him get it out of his system. I am very sorry you have to deal with this. I hope my kids are never like that. Just know that it is not your fault and continue on living your life hoping that someday your son will be your son again. Good Luck.

Answer 8

Like you said yourself, the proof is in the pudding. Until you son behaves in a respectful manner, what is there to discuss?

I think your husband is dealing with this the only way he can. Men do not talk about emotions. He may be feeling like a failure and that is just not manly to admit.

Let the subject go...just be a loving wife and do not talk about your son until the issue is in your face.

Answer 9

You can never put your children behind you. It is however, OK not to enable them to do drugs and alcohol etc. Your at a stage when you have to just let your son know that you Love him, but will not help him destroy himself. I don't know the details, but it is always harder for the mother to leave him to himself until he grows up. Just love him and let him know you are there for him, but not financially, unless he want to come eat dinner. If he is abusive, don't let him in the house until he gains some respect. I am sure drugs are involved in some way. Just keep hoping and praying, eventually he will grow up. Good Luck

Answer 10

women deal with things different than men. we all know that. It sounds like you are feeling responsible for how your son is and to an extant you are, unless he has mental problems. But he is an adult and you can not make him do anything he is not ready for. It is hard to be tough on your children but you have to. He just might learn it is not okay to be abusive but it is probably to late. My question is where did he learn this behavior. Most behaviors are learned so he got it from some place. Be strong, don't let your son back into your life, and talk to your girlfriends or female family members. Putting your son behind him is your husbands way of dealing with failure as a good parent.