Just wondering what others would do?

Question

I've been married for 18 years. We have five great kids, a nice house, stable income, etc. Yet, lately I've gotten the feeling that this is all about him. I've been so busy being super mom, staying up late bartending and then doing homework during the day all the way up until last year when our youngest entered kindergarten. Now I'm back at work, and I'm still doing all the sacrificing when it comes to schedules, chores, bills and errands. On top of this I have a serious health condition that could kill me with too much stress (neck surgery related). The kids have been great helping out, but the hubby...not so much. He just went and signed up for two football leagues again this fall and hasn't touched the laundry in weeks. I'm not the arguing type and I've enabled him in much of his behavior, but it's time to stop. I've asked for help, but he's taken the "as little as I can to get by" approach. Any suggestions?

He's not a bad guy, just selfish when it comes to his time. And when he tells me he is going to do something, that would help me out, it never gets done unless I do it. Do I just stop asking, or start making demands?

Answer 1

It's time to renegotiate either by conversation or by just setting limits. What you described is normal so don't worry too much about it. However, everyone else needs to pick up their share of the load or you need to let some things go. Just remember to love your hubby and the rest of your family, and start taking care of yourself. Let them do their own laundry, clean up after themselves, and be responsible for themselves. Hopefully, they will catch on that you are not the maid anymore.

Before you stir things up, get the following book, read it, and enlighten yourself on a good approach. Otherwise, you might allow confrontation when you really just want to renegotiate your relationship and responsibilities. Don't start a confrontation because that is not what you want. You'll just butt heads.

One book I would recommend is called "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life." This is an excellent book and it will help you set boundaries while maintaining relationships in your family (and with others).

Answer 2

Stop asking and stop making demands. Instead, start focusing on having enough time to rest and engage in activities that make you happy. With your children's help, do just what daily chores you have to do and leave the rest. He will eventually get tired of searching for clean socks or eating cold sandwiches for dinner. When he starts complaining or asking what is going on, tell him that your health condition is serious and could cost you your life at any time. So you are going to make sure that you spend whatever time you have left (hopefully a long long time) living, playing, loving and building memories with your family, not playing maid, chief cook and bottle washer all day.
Hopefully he will wake up to how selfish he is being and start acting like a loving, caring husband again. Be patient, this may take time. As you said, you have enabled him to be selfish. Just get on with your happiness, include him when you can or whenever he is around, but don't waste another minute not being happy. Life is too short.

Answer 3

Give him SPECIFIC information. Yes, you have enabled (I am a pro at that) but guys don't do good with hints. And include things like, I need you to take out the trash every Thursday at 9 PM. And remind him if he forgets. Take the trash out or I wish you would help with the trash just don't get through to a guy. Even the "I need you to take out the trash" only means the time you ask to some guys. (We women run (especially mothers) anticipate what our kids and mates need. Guys need direct instructions. (even a printed list is helpful). Remember the "Mars / Venus" thing from a few years ago??? We just have different communication styles. Phrases like "I can't do ....... (fill in the blank) without your help. I need you here more. Please pick one football league so you can ...... the other night. Also, put the kids to doing chores. Even little ones can fold wash cloths or pick up around the house. Don't try to keep doing it all.

Answer 4

You just can't tell him you need help after all these years it doesn't work that way it's like a new born baby you need to start right from the beginning so he gets uses to doing it .You started to late you can't teach an old dog new tricks.Sorry super mom but i think your on your own with this.Your husband is selfish only because you let him get away with it.You could tell him you will not cook for him wash his clothes until he gets off his a s s and helps around the house.

Answer 5

I would just hire someone to come and do the house work including laundry and have him pay for it, since he doesn't have time to help out, but have time to join leagues. That way it gives you time for yourself which you need to make the time and put the family on hold for at least an hour a day. I was in a similar situation and finally got mad and hire a woman to come twice a week and now I take an hour everyday guilt free.

Answer 6

First of all you don't ask, YOU TELL OR YOU THREATEN. You are right, he is being very selfish and he should not get away with this. It's his life and his responsibilities too! This is a 50/50 deal.

You have to get strong, with some self respect, pride, dignity and value and tell him that if this doesn't stop and he's going to continue taking advantage of you, then this marriage is headed in the wrong direction. You should never accept anything that is upsetting you and you have to let him know that. Tell him you had enough with his immature ways and it will stop today.

His reaction will tell you how much he loves you. If he doesn't care what you're saying and how you're feeling, then he doesn't love you and you have to go to the next step. Just don't accept what he is doing. You deserve much more. Good Luck

Answer 7

I'm dealing with the same thing in my marriage...haven't been married nearly as long though..I feel like with men, it's all about how you approach them...I think you should talk to him.. make sure that the timing is right...and make sure that when you talk to him that you're not frustrated because he won't hear you and he'll be defensive..for me, I know that communication is key in a relationship so when I have a concern I talk to my husband about it, but ultimately I pray because I know God can only change the situation...Not sure what your beliefs are.. but, that's what I do...

Answer 8

You said it yourself YOU have enabled his behavior, now you want him to change over night and it's not going to happen. If you don't communicate your needs you're not going to have them met. If it were me I would tell him simply that I needed him to pitch in more and if he refused or "couldn't" then I was going to hire a maid service. So he has a choice either help out more or pay a maid service $200-$400 a week

Answer 9

This going on for 18 years, the same thing i would say...go slow...It you give demands, he'll do the opposite, he is use to things they way there are...Now if this is to much for you, tell husband that you dont have enough in you to work, come home and do all the household things...You could hint around that if he helped, this would be better on everyone...

Answer 10

Confront him and tell him that he needs to do more around the house and that your getting stressed out. Don't ask. Tell him. Stop being such a boring passive mom and stand up for yourself! This will also be a good example for your children. They need to learn to be strong and that they should be no man's maid housework should be 50/50, especially if you have daughters.