Me and my husband married after knowing each other four months?

Question

We were both 22 he was a virgin I had two children already, he is from Africa but been here since he was 6, no one in his family attended our wedding because they were under the influence that are marriage was fake, his sister ,his mom and brother ,uncles all act so nice to me in person but talk so bad about me behind my back. In the beginning of our relationship I even caught my husband numerous times the first three years of our marriage talking down about me to his family and friends. We now have two kids together ourselves, I am depressed because I don't feel he loves me sometimes though he says he just doesn't know how to express his feelings. When I tell him I am sad and thinking of leaving he tells me he has more things to be sad about, he tell me his parents and family talk down to him because of me, and he feels like its us against them, he tells me he is sorry for talking about me to them in the beggining of our marriage that it was a mistake, should I TRUST HIM?

He is a good dad other then some sexual issues we have sex maybe once a month and he's not as loving as I would like, but he works every day and bring home a paycheck. I guess that counts, I thought of making exit plans, its like nothing I do is good enough for his family,so tired of dealing with them, and in the back of my head I am always wondering is he still talking so bad about me, about me not being good enough for him.

Answer 1

You and your husband can over come this. My suggest would be to move alway from all family. It will help you two to pull together.

***Ask God for revelation***

Proverbs 14:1 New International Version
The wise woman builds her house,
but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

Proverbs 1:5 Amplified Version
The wise also will hear and increase in learning, and the person of understanding will acquire skill and attain to sound counsel [so that he may be able to steer his course rightly]—

Proverbs 26:12 New International Version
Do you see a man wise in his own eyes?
There is more hope for a fool than for him.

Ephesians 5:33 King James Version
Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Ephesians 5:33 Weymouth New Testament
Yet I insist that among you also, each man is to love his own wife as much as he loves himself, and let a married woman see to it that she treats her husband with respect.

1. NOTICE HIM: pays attention, courteously, favor, find things he wants to talk about: hobbies, favorite things
2. REGARDS HIM: careful attention or notice, heed, consideration – what does my husband like.
3. HONOR HIM: highly regard or esteem, glory, fame, credit, an outward token or sign. Never put him down. (People rise only to what they think you believe in them)
4. PREFER HIM: to give priority to; to choose over others (opinion)
5. VENERATE HIM: we venerate that which we judge objectively to be of great worth, as a great man, or ancestors, a holy person, a sacred object. Someone or something to be worshipped or adored.
6. ESTEEMS HIM: to have a high opinion of; value greatly.
7. DEFERS TO HIM: to yield to the opinion or decisions of another. HE WINS I DON’T
8. PRAISES HIM: to elevate or magnify a person; the speaking of compliments; the glorifying and honoring of a god; ruler, or hero; an expression of approval or commendation.
9. LOVES & ADMIRES HIM: loves deep devotion or affection for another person; a sexual passion for another person; a very great interest in; the enjoyment of someone.



Philippians 2:3 New International Version
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Philippians 2:3 Amplified Bible
Do nothing from factional motives [through contentiousness, strife, selfishness, or for unworthy ends] or prompted by conceit and empty arrogance. Instead, in the true spirit of humility (lowliness of mind) let each regard the others as better than and superior to himself [thinking more highly of one another than you do of yourselves].

Philippians 2:3 New Living Translation
Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.

Philippians 2:4 New International Version
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:4 Amplified Bible
Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not [merely] his own interests, but also each for the interests of others.

Philippians 2:4 New Living Translation
Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

Matthew 7:24, 25, 26, 27 Amplified Bible
So everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts upon them [obeying them] will be like a sensible (prudent, practical, wise) man who built his house upon the rock.
And the rain fell and the floods came and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.
And everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not do them will be like a stupid (foolish) man who built his house upon the sand.
And the rain fell and the floods came and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell--and great and complete was the fall of it.

Answer 2

You should try to get some counseling. The fact that your husband talk down about you along with them, wasn't a smart thing. He has to understand first, that if he made a decision, he has to stand behind it. That means that he's your husband , not your enemy. He married you 'cause he loves you. Looks like he didn't get that he has a family of his own. Like a team, a player does not have to play against his own team. A family is like a team, too. You both had to back up each other. If you don't agree on something, talk about it. But never, ever get involved anyone else, specially relatives. They are going to support their son, brother, 'cause still is their own blood. Probably he's sad 'cause now he realizes that he made a mistake. You don't feel loved, I bet he doesn't feel it too. So, what could be the answer to receive love? To give love. To give support, to encourage each other. Not thinking of leaving. That isn't the solution. Work thing out together. As I said before, get some counseling, or go to the library, ask a minister, but do something for your own team, your family.

Answer 3

The FAMILY has the problems...you're fine, you're OK, you're a good wife & mother. Who gives a hoot what they say, they don't even know what they're talking about for heavens sake! IF they don't like it here where they are, they always have the option of going back "home" & live like they want to live. You KNOW what YOU'RE doing IS RIGHT...that's all that counts. Your husband should not side w/them tho, I'm sorry about that. When you marry, you are a "union" you work "together" & one "supports" the other. He just plain is living their lifestyle & not trying to live like we do here in America...and that's sad to say, but true. Do make a list of the positives & the negatives of your marriage & be honest. See which side outweighs the other. It's no one AGAINST the other, it should be a UNION. He's got to realize his home is HIS home not there's. He's got to understand they just live differently, but he should live by the laws of "our land" that he choose to live in. Just too bad you didn't realize this before you signed that paperwork called a marriage. IF you leave, he HAS to support the children you two have created together. If he doesn't "express" his feelings in words, does he in actions other than "the family"? See what your paperwork looks like after you've honestly ans. all your questions. I DO wish you the best...

Answer 4

Hi there,
The best way to do is to have a heart to heart talk with your husband. Everybody commit mistakes, so if he talks about you that your marriage is a mistake, then clear this out with him. About his family, if they don't really like you....so be it. Who cares. You can live alone and happy with your husband and kids. Is his family living nearby? If yes, go and move to a place where you will have peace of mind. Leaving is not the answer to your problem. Think about your kids and your husband. And be open minded and don't be bugged by his family. Good luck! :-)

Answer 5

Yes if you are hurt.. You can understand that there wasnt any mistake from your part. You must understand , How he betrayed you by hiding all those things .. You trusted him, and now you should not spend time thinking of it ( i know its hard),,, but think like this : if you are spending time thinking of those times, you are wasting the current good life.. you will miss the "todays" coming in your life..for a person who make you fall.. So just started doing this boldly,, face new challenges.. get new job.. new place.. new social relations and try to grow from where you are.. Because you have so much to achieve.. Alwys understand.. you are more precious than any for you,, why to live like this if you havent done anything wrong.. Go out .. start building good friends.. Cheers :) :) :)

Answer 6

it comes down to this- do you want to make it work? a lot of people give up because marriage is something you have to actively work at, compromise, and continue to be each others best friend. a good safe marriage is worth the heartache and as you've heard it has it's ups and downs. Its good you talk to him about your concerns. Maybe try to inspire him, do something thoughtful (or naughty!) to let him know you love him. Put effort into reconnecting and see where it takes you. Good luck

Answer 7

There seem to be larger issues here than trust. You feel interior to your husband for some reason. You would be better off getting some counseling for yourself at first...then with your partner. See if that helps.....then if the marriage isn't working, then think about leaving. You married your husband, not his family. If he loves you, it's their problem not yours and you are making it your problem. Let them say what they want who cares? Most of my in-laws hate me too.......I don't care, neither does my husband....it's their problem. We are happy so their opinion doesn't count.

Answer 8

I am not gonna tell you to bail out, but if I were in your shoes, I sure as heck would not stand for ll that he's done/doing to you and your babies...!
I only knew my hubby for 6 weeks before we got married.
He will constantly stand up for me (and 2 kids that are not his blood) and just because he can bring "home the bacon" don't mean you can't bring home YOUR OWN BACON.
I did it with a 4 year old and a 9 year old.

There's enough BS in life with out the one who is SUPPOSSED to be there for you and defend you in everything, u don't need him being an A$$ to you too.

Love your kids, take care of yourself, and make the choice that works for you, don't just stay cause u think u HAVE TO....besides, you may find another one out there who is THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS, someday....I did!!!

GL to you!

Answer 9

You have to get away from his family. Surely he can see that he must be a man and stand on his own feet. His continued reliance on and deference to his family may be very African. It is not very American.
You are here. You and he must begin to accept that you are here and here children are more independent. That his family dislikes you can only make things worse. He will be constantly pulled between his two families; the birth family and the family he is struggling to create with you. He will struggle less if he severs the connection with his birth family and focuses his attention on creating his own family.

Answer 10

Oh boy, do you have a bad case of the terrible inlaws. I had
them too, but I didn't find out how mine talked behind my back
until they were alot older and so were we. My husband and I
knew each other two weeks before we married. And that was
because he was leaving to go to Okinawa. So we decided to
marry before he left. His mom and I met about a week before
we decided to marry. And I doubt it settled with her well. He
was her only child. Her baby boy. And little did I know that
there would be a jelousy issue building soon. Being we were
both in the service, and broke, we took our honeymoon at his
parents trailer which they'ed had moved off base to where
he was stationed. So she put on a front being nicey nicey,
while I was there. It was later after he came back and we'd
had two kids, that she reared her jelous head. And I told him
he had to choose between her or me. He had to stand up to
her and act like a man. She stood waiting, and I stood waiting. I was prepared to leave him, if he said the wrong
thing. But by golly, he chose me, and our two kids. And made
no apology to his mom. She never got over that, I don't think.
We kept alot of distance between them and us. Occasionally, we'd travel to see them, so they could see the
grandkids. Or I'd leave them a few days and they'ed bring
them home or we'd go back down. It didn't help that I was
from the north, and they were from Texas and Mississippi.
North vs south, kind of thing.
Anyway, I understand what you are going thru. It's good
that your husband supports you and is a good father. He
shouldn't give his family anything for them to gossip about
or say behind your back. If he's going to live with you and
the kids, he has to support you verbally and emotionally.
He doesn't have to answer to his mother. He only has to
answer to you. You are a family, and it's to you and the
kids, he has to be responsible and dutiful. So he needs to
stand up and be counted, as a man, and good husband.
You need to keep communication going between the two
of you. You need to get to the bottom of why he doesn't
treat you as lovingly as a husband should. If he feels he
made the wrong move, marrying you and wants to back out,
but stays just because he feels guilty to leave, then you
should call it quits now before more hurt is caused. It's
not enough that he stays for the kids to be an in home
daddy. He has to be an in home husband and lover to you
as well. I'd never encourage him to leave, unless there is
no hope for his loving you. So you two have to come to
terms with that subject. People just don't stay trapped in
a marriage anymore. Life is too short. And things can be
worked out for visitation and child support. So it's a matter
of where his heart does lay, and maybe it does lay with you
and the kids. Maybe he just doesn't know how to physically
show affection. That should be brought out too. Couples
can work on their marriages, if they talk to each other and
listen to each other too.
I think that the less you both see his family, the better it will
be for them to stay out of your lives. I'm sure his mom must
have had quite a hold on him for his talking about you in the
early days. Shame on him. And shame on her as well.
The happiest I was with my hubby and family, was when
we moved out of state and lived so far apart, that their visits
were only once a year. And most of our married life that's
what we did. If you feel that would benefit your marriage, you
can insist on moving away too. Move to where you lived with
your family maybe. Could your parents enjoy seeing their
grandchildren for a change? Or move halfway between both
families so you could travel to see each one.
Make him tell you what makes him sad. And then work on
finding a solution between you. Marriages are a 50/50
proposition, and not anything less. I don't know how things
work in Africa, but probably the man rules and the wives are
submissive. But he's not in Africa anymore. He's in the US.
And things are much different here.
Good luck in settling things. Hopefully you both can work
together on solving all your problems soon.

Answer 11

You could kill yourself trying to impress his relatives.. FORGET ABOUT THEM... just please him and YOURSELF... they aren't going to change and there is no sense wracking your brain trying to figure out a way TO please them---it won't EVER happen... If your husband is a good father, doesn't cheat on you, and has LEARNED not to speak ill of you in front of his family, the sex thing CAN be worked out through COMMUNICATION... talk to him, tell him EXACTLY how you feel.. tell him you cannot continue to TRY to be something his parents want you to be when you just AREN'T.... and he either has to understand that OR he can hit the road....he's married to YOU, not his family and if he is GROWN UP ENOUGH, he will stand by YOUR side no matter what....