Husband that I still love can not seem to give up Internet porn and dating sites.?

Question

I have been married for over 12 years. A recurring problem is my husbands addiction" to internet porn. He is also active on online dating sites and talks (dirty) to various women. He doesn't meet with them but says he likes the fantasy. Our sex like sucks as he would rather be on the computer and take care of himself than be with a woman who loves him. Four months ago I found out about a " friend "of his that he actually talks to on the phone. We had a big blow out and I told him I was done with our marriage if he didn't give up this friendship and the porn. he agreed. together we threw out the porn in the house and he gave me his computer emails and passwords so I could check up on him. he did tell this girl he was not going to talk to her anymore. ( I read her pathetic blog about it) Yesterday I found out that he opened a new email account, has signed up on various porn & dating sites and renewed his relationship with this girl. What do I do? I still love him

Answer 1

You know i did the same thing, only i was the one with the porn sites, the one with the 'dating' site email cuz i was the one who was unhappy in my marriage. I love my husband too, but ya, our sex life sucked as did the rest of our marriage.

I loved the attention that i got online, or the phone calls of guys who wanted to woo me. The thrill of the pursuit is hot for both guys and girls. I almost lost my husband of 20+ years doing this!! But i'm telling u, phone sex is the first step to going further for 'real' sex.

Guys can separate sex from love; i'd b surprised if he didnt love you. He is looking for something more sexually, and fantasizing about looking at porn is one thing (in my marriage we are ok with that), but speaking to one individual, repeatedly, is creating a relationship that is crossing the line. He likes what she does for him and doesnt want to give it up. It is only a matter of time b4 they meet; dont think that distance will stop them, unless they are an ocean apart! Im telling you from experience!

So, either you should try and understand that his sexual needs have changed, and try to find out what they are and how u both can satisfy ea other, or let him continue filling his 'need' elsewhere. If your marriage is worth saving, and im sure that it is, be understanding - tell him you kno about this starting again, and ask him straight up what it is that she does for him. (try your hardest not to argue, judge or explode or you will get NOWHERE in solving this.) You should be the one he's calling to talk dirty to, not her. And you will be surprised that making an effort to spice up your sex life will be beneficial to you too!!

Marriages take alotta work to keep em together; this is something you both have to work at. But if he is not willing to give her up for you, then there isnt alot you can work on.

My husband and i work (notice tense) hard to keep our sex exciting, romantic, new. And it was unbelievably hard to talk dirty, try new things, or even talk about what we want to tryout - we never did it b4! It is worth trying again, honest, cuz you already have the love to do so.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

I'm so sorry, it does indeed sound like a dealbreaker for you, and I have been there too and completely sympathize. Don't go home. Only an ultimatum will work, and sorry to say, even that probably won't change him. He's a porn addict. Do visit Dr. Phil's "How porn has affected our relationship" site and you will find a message board with thousands of women in your situation. It comes down to two choices, really. He more than likely can change some of his behavior, but probably never become porn free. If porn free is your ultimatum, then you have to leave him. Maybe one day he will grow up and realize that the porn women don't love him, don't call him, don't cook for him, don't snuggle with him at night, and just simply...don't give a rat's as s about him. Another man choosing fantasy over reality with a person who loves him. Since the internet took off ten years ago, it's become an epidemic and thousands of women have left their husbands over their porn addictions. Sad situation.

Answer 4

I was once married to a man just like this. You can get rid of the internet, the TV, the telephone, everything, and this sort will still find a way to act out. The only way your marriage can be saved is if you give up and turn your head and let him go, or if you let him go and tell him he cannot have you back until he gets into a sexualy addiction group and couples it with therapy as well. He is very very sick, just as a drug addict or alcoholic is sick. His addiction means more to him than anything or anyone else, and it won't matter if he's married to you or Claudia Schiffer, he's still going to be an addict. My husband's addiction landed him in prison for life, just so you will know the seriousness of this problem. I'm sorry I can't be more encouraging, but this is a major problem anymore, since it's piped into our homes so easily.

Answer 5

Ok, you can make a big fight, and leave.

or...

You can start trying to see his perspective. I mean, 12 years, you must have some idea. Your man is very high strung. He really enjoys sex. He'll lose his marriage over it if you push the issue.

Truth of the matter is (aside from Ms. Phone Call) he doesn't believe he's doing anything wrong. None of it is real. It's interactive TV. He's just watching the show, and you're getting all bent out of shape.

Chatty Cathy has to go. I don't think making her off limits is unreasonable.

On the other hand, if he lets that go, you have an obligation to replace it.

ie: Go to inlustro.com and put what you like in the cart. Take him to the site and give him a budget, and have him pick what he likes out of the cart.

Eat nutritious meals, take a good multi-vitamin, get 8 hours sleep, put your makeup on after your nightly shower, and something.....naughty.

Then join him at the computer. Don't expect him to leave it to come to you. We see how that works. You go to him.

Try doing this for awhile. Lay off the criticisms. volunteering of opinions, judgements.

Trust that he is your man, and let all the other stuff go.

Answer 6

Okay honey, I apologize if you don't want to hear this in advance: its not that your husband "cannot" give up the porn/dating, its that he "will not." This is cheating in every sense, it violates the vows he took to forsake all others and love you in good times and in bad. This is a major emotional affiar at best, and adultery at worst - either way its a bad situation. You need to decide whether you are willing to share him (electronically, emotionally, and physically) or if this is something that you will not allow to go on. Ultimatums don't usually work, so if he is still doing it the only thing he will understand is him or you leaving the relationship. This type of problem often has poor results in counseling (people into porn) so its up to you and what you are willing to put up with. If you are so opposed to it, its time for him to understand how serious you are. If your love is worth you sharing him with the world, than just accept it and move on. If not, then get some supports in place and leave him.

Answer 7

Oh boy, that sucks.
He is addicted. And he tends to favor fantasy rather than reality. He is making a choice of who is more important......his wife or the computer.
YOu two need counseling and he needs counseling along concerning his addiction. The sad thing is that if he gives up this addiction ,he will pick up a new addiction. And sometimes it is just as bad.
He needs to acknowledge he has a problem and seek help.
If it were just ocassional looking and he agrees with you the boundries of his internet content.If he doens't comply you will most likely you will have to choose your freedom or all life time of being just on the fringe of his life and have a very loveless marriage.

He is foolish. He will learn that it could lose everyone in his life and live lonely with his computer.

Good luck hon

Answer 8

You are enabling him to use porn. You are not doing much in the way of forcing him to quit watching the crap and you basically give him your blessing to have internet relationships with other women. Have some backbone woman! Demand that he get rid of the porn and stay off the internet. He would also be wise to get some counseling. It has become an addiction that is effecting both of your lives and your sanity.

Answer 9

I'net porn and such is an addiction. You two need to seek out professional help if you want to safe your marriage.

Also, to help with your sex life, I've heard of women taking pole dancing lessons (no joke) to help liven things up in the bedroom. Sexy lanjerie (sp - underwear), sexy music, candles, etc... make it all about him and try and get him interested in it again.

If you two have kids and the above is not possible, see if you two can get a night alone by having your kids stay at friends houses for the weekend.

Good luck.

Answer 10

God, that is really really sad, I'm sorry. You must be very distressed at the moment =[

I would be tempted to say give him another chance, but it seems like you have already done that. It sounds like you gave him a clear choice, and gave him a very clear second chance, and it sounds like he ignored it.

It's a very tough decision to act on, but it doesn't sound like he's being a very good husband at all. It sounds like he is more into his online fantasies than he is into you. Maybe it's time you let him see how happy he would be with his online girls. In time I know he'll come to regret his mistake.

I really have no idea what it feels like to be married 12 years but I can imagine it's something that will be very hard to give up, and maybe he doesn't think you'd ever do it. He's asking for it though, and in my opinion he MORE than deserves what's coming to him. It's up to you to make a choice...