My husband treats me like this........?

Question

This is a folow up to my other ?? We have a small construction business, he does the physical part and I do all of the clerical, web, advertising, etc. I am also a stay at home Mom of 2 kids that are not his. He says that the house is not clean enough and I that I do nothing. Never says I love you anymore. Doesn't seem actually nice unless he wants sex. Doesn't do anything with the kids. Controls the money. Tells me lies or keeps things from me. Leaves me and the kids at home in a VERY rural area with no car, phone, money, and sometimes no food. My Mama brought groceries when he pawned everything we owned and ran it all out in gas and lottery tickets saying he was looking for more work. He can't see where he has done anything wrong and I don't know how to make him see, so that there can be change and any hope for our marriage. How do make someone take a look at the "man in the mirror"?

Answer 1

I hate saying this but your husband is selfish. He is not even working on being a good partner or a good father. Why would you want to stay with a man who doesn't even appreciate you as his wife, as a mother and as a woman. Think about that. Maybe if you threaten to seperate, he will finally see what he is missing. Most men are hard to talk to and even when you do- most of the time, they just dont get it.
I hope all works out for you and your family. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 2

It seems has if your asking, what do we think you should do? Many married people are unhappy. And we can not use any excuse just to go out and get a divorce. Next thing you know 3 years from now you'll have the same troubles with a different guy. I say you demand from him certain things like your own car. About the cleaning. Have him do the out side things like lawn. And the repairs when something isn't working. About the kids, if he agreed to be a there for them. When he married you. Remind him.. Since you are helping with the business, that means you work. Demand a salary. Or a certain amount a week. Your going to have to get ruff with him. He willingly isn't going to change. Most of us who are married or have been in a relationship of many years. Know that at times waiting and hoping don't work. You have been waiting and hoping for him to change. Either demand he change. Or stop helping him and being so accommodating. Because that is why he does the things he does. Because you have let him get away with it.

Answer 3

Yeah, I just read your other question and you are right of him treating you badly. This is my opinion though.....I wouldn't have gotten married to anyone if you already had 2 kids from another relationship. You should have raised them first before getting involved. But, that's too late now.

I get it that you work from home with taking care of the business and 2 kids. I think taking care of two kids is already a full-time job. He should not complain if the house is a mess when there are two kids who live there too. Plus, you are working to help with the business. If he wants to have a clean home, then he should get someone else to do the clerical, web, advertising jobs that you normally do. You probably are tired with work, then have to tend to the kids. You are already doing something - taking care of kids! Let me ask you though, when do you have time for him or him with you?

It seems like he is an irresponsible person especially when it comes down with finances. He doesn't know how to control his impulses when it comes down with money. He is selfish with wanting to control the income. I think he is either stressed because of the job situation, or he is just a total controlling person....or both! Not sure if he was like this before you married him, but if so, you shouldn't have married him at all.

He is not being the person you thought he was. By ignoring the kids and you, he is blaming you for his problems and that is wrong to do. Being married is suppose to mean to work the problems out "Together", not alone. You can't run away from them. It is team work. But he thinks he can fix them on his own and at the same time, it is making him be more irritable at you and the kids. Sometimes men cannot admit that they are wrong or cannot say sorry when they have done something wrong. It is hard for them to do that. But, a real man says sorry and works out the problem with his wife and is a father or step-father to the kids. He does what ever it takes to fix things in the marriage and takes care of his family.

You cannot change him, he has to want to change himself. If he has been like this throughout the marriage, and you want to keep the marriage going, then he has to be willing to make that change. You both need to talk while the kids are asleep, sit with him and explain the same thing you said here. If he is not willing to talk to you, then that should tell you that he is not willing to help in the marriage.

Sometimes people can carry their problems with them because they either had a bad childhood or what have you, but that is no reason to be behaving like that in a marriage. There has to be a reason to why he is behaving like that with you. And you need to find that out by talking to him.

If you know that he's had a bad childhood, there is a good book to get called, "Bad Childhood, Good Life." What ever is bothering him, he needs to share that with you and not hold all his feelings inside. Not good to do.

Answer 4

Wow, you have got some serious problems to deal with.

This situation sounds potentially unsafe. Have you talked to some friends or family about it? You do need some help.

Sounds like the hubby may have a gambling problem and he's a control freak. This is not healthy for anyone and it's not going to get any better. The more you give in the worse this will get. But if you push back, it will also get bad. This is just a dark place to be. I think that friends and family are going to be your only way out of this. Got a big brother?

You need to arrange for some sort of independence on some level. This doesn't sound good. You are right to be concerned.

Good luck.

Answer 5

LEAVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!NOW!!!!!!WHAT A PR**##!
I cannot stand when these people go on and on about how you shouldn't think about divorce. He WILL NOT CHANGE!!! YOur children will watch you and grow up disfunctional and see you as weak and pathetic. They will have a more fullfilling life if you spent the rest of your life alone and poor. I was married to a terrible man. He treated us like crap and I left. I'd rather be poor and happy than have a big house and be miserable. I've been poor and i'v struggled but my children are strong and they are glad I left. Even the BIBLE says to not throw pearls to SWINE. He is not a leasder for you or your children. It also says in THE BIBLE that a husband has to earn his wifes love and respect. HE HASN"T

Answer 6

well you still have a good relationship with you mother which is good. i would move in with her. i would get out the relationship before you have a large amount of debt that you are responsible for even though you don't use the stuff. also when you leave cut all ties. he thinks that you could get no one else because of the children and played with your mind. he thinks that you were lonely and had low self esteem but in reality he was the one with low self esteem and could only get a women that was down on her luck.
also as long as you are married to him he is responsible for your life and if you get hurt he is the one that tells the doctors whether or not to keep you on life support so i would hope you would not want you life in his hands. if he tries anything make sure that he can still can walk but the reason he is in severe pain is because he tried to hurt you.

Answer 7

You can't make him look at the "man in the mirror" unless he is willing to look. Your husband has you right where he wants you. You are his maid and servant...he controls all the money...he leaves you with nowhere to go because you don't have a car...See a pattern here? He is EXTREMELY CONTROLLING.....It is very doubtful he is going to change his ways....not unless he actually goes and talks to someone. The question is...how long are you going to stay in this farce of a marriage? You do have a choice!

Answer 8

You need to find a way to get control of the money and set up a budget. Get some counseling and give it a try. But it does not sound like you should give it more than 6 months.

Answer 9

Ok honey here is the deal. You need to try to sit down and talk to him. There needs to be a marriage counsler involved and if he refuses get a divorce. He may not be physicaly abusing you right now but you are going through a form of abuse. I know cause I have been there. Thank God I got out.

Answer 10

Move on. More likely He'll never gonna change and honestly, I know it hurts, but he doesn't care about you or your little ones. It seems to me like he is a very selfish person, either his kids or not his kids you guys now are a family and he supposed to be part of it and spend time with them too. Good luck!