How to deal w/ a controlling exwife?

Question

My husband's exwife likes to control every situtation & if she can't she yells & B-thces until she gets her way. She doesn't want me to go w/ when we drop off the child at our meeting spot. She will text & call us for at least an hour saying that she doesn't want me there. Or she wants my husband to take her all the way home & to leave me home b/c she doesn't want me to know where she lives. My husband won't stand up to her & I don't know what to do about it. We are always getting into fights over the ex, b/c he rather have me yell at him then the exwife. It's gotten to where I don't want to see my step daughter & I don't want that. What is the best way to handle this? I know she's going to be here for the rest of my life and I knew going into this marriage that I was going to have to deal with her. I alsoknow that I can't control what her actions are going to be. I just need to know what can I do to make my life a little easier? What can my husband do to make thing easier?

Answer 1

Don't you hate when people who have no idea what you are going through try to offer advise. Being a step mom it's like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You either get criticized for caring too much or not enough. It is a fine line that we have to walk.
Here is what you can do to ease the pain a little:
First off talk with your husband and tell him that even though you did not give birth to his daughter you are still one of her mothers and deserve to be treated with respect. Then remind him that you are his wife and that you are sick of taking the back burner to his ex- this is not how relationships work!
When it comes to picking up and dropping off you are more than entitled to ride with! And if need be- when the ex starts whining about it- tell her that you two or the three of you have somewhere to go immediately following the pick up/drop off and that it would be inconvenient if you did not ride along. As far as knowing where she lives- she knows where you live doesn't she? How is that any different?!
Your husband should have a chat with her and tell her that when they signed those divorce papers that is when her opinion stopped mattering. He needs to tell her that when they divorced it entitled him to see or marry whomever he pleased and he chose you and you're going to be there forever and she needs to grow up and get a life!

Try going to his Yahoo! Group: The Real Mrs.
It is a group for step mothers to kind of blow off some steam and offer advise. Everyone there has been through similar situations and can offer great advise or just a listening ear.

Answer 2

Because you knew what you were getting into this situation when you first started seeing your husband you might want to think about this. Obviously the ex never thought her ex husband was ever going to find someone so fast. Is she re-married? Probably not. It sounds like a lot of her problems is dealing with your husband and you going and picking up and dropping off the child. To ease tensions all the way around. Tell your husband that you understand the situation that she is putting him into. Explain that to take some of the pressure off that you will be staying home when he has to pick up and drop off his step daughter. That the ex gets very upset and you know that he has problems dealing with her when she does.
Sometimes trying to be so supportive can backfire when the ex spouse is like this. Stay back and in the shadows...don't try to force the issue. She doesn't want you there when he picks up his daughter or drops her off...then don't be. Think of it as some of his quiet time that he has with his daughter. You are at home waiting for him when he gets back.

Answer 3

Remember that it takes two to argue. If you don't take the bait, she will eventually stop. Agree with her feelings. Ask for a compromise. Remember that your step-daughter is hurting and see if she will agree to a set rule of engagement for the kid's behalf, such as no yelling, name-calling, etc.

If you really can't stand her and she really won't stop acting like a nutcase, then it is time to get a neutral party to do the drop-off and pick up. The child doesn't need it, you don't need it and your marriage doesn't need it.

You are right--you can't control her, but you can limit her ability to affect you by taking a pro-active approach. I am sure there are other strategies I haven't thought of, but winning her over to your team would be very cool. If you are unable, then go with the neutral pick-up person. Family court can usually help if you don't know someone who can do it for you.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Have you just tried talking to her? Telling her that your willing ot put all difference aside for the sake of the little girl involved. Let her know that your not going anywhere and it'd better to get along. It sounds like shes not over her ex yet and is very insecure and jealous. I would let her know that you will not be pushed around by her. Go with your husband to drop and pick up your daughter. He doesnt have to stay and listen to her yell. If he doesnt stand up for you to her then she'll always be that way. Your husband needs to get some balls and tell his ex how it is

Answer 5

In my opinion, you are all forgetting what this is about. It's not about anyones ego. Its a simple formality to pick up a kid that has already a pretty tough life due to a divorce.
She lives with her mother and has to get along with her. She also loves her dad and wants to see him. If your husbands ex makes a situation worse by b**** what is the problem of you staying behind and making a nice dinner or planning something nice for all of you to do while your husband picks her up? Give the poor kid a break and keep it nice.

Answer 6

Well really there is nothing you can do personally.. but just ignore it.. Don't go with him when he goes to pick up his daughter.. I mean it is stupid for the ex-wife to be acting like this if its over between them.. Well it depends on how long they have been divorced.. And well either way it's not your daughter is your husband's so it's not like he is going to stop seeing his daughter because you tell him so. Obviously this is a man that puts kids before anything. The problem between your husband and is ex is well THEIR problem.. let him solve it the way he wants.

Answer 7

what does your husband want to do, is the real question. look, my ex tries to get stupid just like that. he doesn't want my husband involved in my children's lives. too bad. my husband is more around them then he ever was, even when he had legal custody. he cannot control my husband's activity with my children. ever. same as your husband's ex cannot control you. you are going to know where she lives, because your husband isn't going to take an effort to keep information from you. she needs to get over it. don't get into fights over it. discuss it. explain how you feel, ask how he feels. telling YOUR husband what to do and giving instructions the way she is is harrassment. next time you go to court, bring it up that such harrassment is uncalled for. it needs to stop.

Answer 8

I'm sorry, but the time to rely on your husband to fix this situation is long past. You need to be able to live with the fact that this woman IS in your life, and she needs to do the same. You need to have a talk with her, and JUST her. Whatever her issues with you are, she needs to get over them.

However, some information is missing from your question. How long were they divorced? Were you the cause of the divorce? How long have you been married? It might be that she just needs some more time to cope with the changes.

Answer 9

This is so easy. Don't go! People just hate it when they have to let go of control. In this situation it is their child not yours and you should just let him go alone. If that is a problem then have him drop you off at a near by cafe or mall until he gets the child. Why insist on doing what upsets the ex? This is just problems that don't need to be.

Answer 10

the easiest thing to do to easy the situation is to leave your husband becos that exwife of his has established a relationship with him before you came in and it is a forever thing.