Hindsight is 20/20 in past relationship?

Question

About 2 months ago, my gf and I broke up after 3 years. We had a lot of fights but really loved each other. I hurt her and she couldn’t get past it. She moved on with someone within 10 days of breaking up. I kept wondering why? And how could she not give us another chance? I wanted to be the man that would give his all to make it work, I wanted to marry her and spend my life together with her and her kids. When I look back now, I realize how I treated her and how different I should have been. Theres so much that I regret now. After a lot of thinking and reflection, I remember all the conversations we had of her past.
As a teenager, she was raped. Went through seeing her parents whom she thought were the fairytale couple, go through a divorce and the mom cheated on the dad. The mom even took her with her when she went to meet the man (how tragic that must have been) She went from one relationship to another looking for someone to love her. She went on dates where guys introduced her as this is the girl I’m having sex with (total jerks)

) She got involved with a man for 2 years that was separated from his wife but still went and stayed with the ex on some nights and had family functions together. He lived in the basement of the marital house while the ex-wife lived upstairs. She falls in so quickly with new people hoping to find happiness and love. She still has to live next door to her ex-husband who is a controlling, depressed person himself which makes things worse. She is now my ex and won’t even talk to me and I know people will say move on its not your problem, and its not. She is someone I loved and still do.

I will always care for her and I want the best for her. I do wish I had her back and could show her the kind of love she deserves and that real love really is possible. I at least hope that she will realize the kind of situations she allows herself in sometimes and will find true happiness. She deserves so much better. Its not fair that people have to live there lives that way, it makes me sad now and I wish I could change all of that for her. Has anyone here ever been in this kind of situation, on either side of it?

Answer 1

I hate to say this but, from the way that you describe her early lifestyle, it's almost as if she has been pre-programmed to lead her life as her mothers examples. What type of actions would you expect from a person who knows no other way? If she will absolutely not talk to you, then I would imagine that you should just back off and let her go. However if there ever is a conversation between you and her, then just let her know that you will be there for her in the future for any help that she may need. Pressuring her back into a relationship will not prove to be to your advantage. Maybe in time she will figure out that a life with you is far better than what she is presently familiar with.

Answer 2

She sounds like a toxic person and at this point it seems there isn't much you can do for her. I think she is afraid to be alone, but since she is never alone she doesn't ever work on herself, she just continues to get wrapped up in the crazy demands of the men around her. But, she's doing it to herself. If she wanted to be with a healthy person, she would. The whole point is: she likes the drama. She likes being treated like crap and if she had a healthy relationship she'd probably be bored. It is her problem, not yours. She should seek counseling. No one can help her unless/until she wants to help herself.

I had a friend like her. She sought out drama and guys who treated her badly, yet she'd complain about how mean or stupid they were. Just when you thought maybe she got some sense in her, she'd be calling the guy incessantly whenever there was any distance between them, they'd seem to resolve their issues for a minute, then they'd start the same cycle of cheating on each other and calling each other names, etc. She was constantly upset and unhappy.

Finally, she'd wait until she had another guy trying to date her, break up with the last one, and have a new boyfriend in a week. Same drama, same cycle. Her crying "Why do all the guys in my life treat me like crap?" - I wanted to say, because you let them. (This went on for 10 years). One day I decided to speak up, I told her I thought she deserved better, that I couldn't be around them any more because it was so white trash. She hasn't talked to me in a year. I just told her if she ever needs me as a friend i will be there for her but could no longer condone her toxic relationship(s).

Which I think is all you can do with your ex. Tell her all the positive things you said about her in this post, tell her you will always be there for her if she needs you. As far as getting her back, though, don't you think you can do better? It sounds lik eyou are in a more positive place now.
Plus, it sounds like she has moved on. If I were you I'd stay as far away from the drama as possible: she lives next door to her ex who is controlling and depressed too? Just more proof that she is placing herself in these situations. I know it's hard to hear, but, let it go. It sounds like she is not the right girl for you. If you are open to it, maybe talking to a counselor will help. Good Luck!

Answer 3

It seems like there are so many people out there that just can't be alone. I doubt there is to much you can do for your ex other then pray for her and know that if it is ever suppose to be for you two that fate will bring you back together. You might try writing her a letter telling her how you feel about her without bringing up her faults or imperfections. Then leave it alone and see if she responds. Or you could send her a simple rose and say I love and miss you. Then let it go. It's going to really open yourself up to major hurt if she doesn't respond but at least you'll know you attempted one last time to get her attention. Good Luck!

Answer 4

Its hard to love people who don't love themselves. But the truth is that you can't give someone self esteem (unless you are their parents and they are young children). Its difficult to watch someone you love go through that endless cycle of detrimental behavior, but in all reality there isn't much you can do, except be there if she needs you. She needs to spend time alone getting to know herself, seeing that being alone doesn't mean being lonely and she probably would love being with herself. Again there is nothing you can do. Too bad you hurt her too, but she looks for people with the same pattern as her easy to love her and easy to abuse her.

Answer 5

1. You must be desperate to want to be with someone with so much baggage.
2. You have learn regretfully that once you say or do something you can never take it back, so don't make this mistake with the love of your life when you do meet her.
3. Stay out of the trailer parks, try going to church and meeting a nice girl. You old one may have been a victim of thos around her but why drag all of that into your life?

Answer 6

Leave her alone, she doesn't need you either. You are now on the list of people who have hurt and dissappointed her, leave it be!