Help! I need advice. My confusing marital problems are tearing me apart!?

Question

My wife and have been married for 3yrs, together 4+, known each other for more than a decade (since Junior High). We grew up in the same small town, a couple miles from each other.

For three years, we've had a beautiful marriage. Hardly any fighting. We agree on most everything. We laugh, watch T.V. and movies, make dinner together, go out, read to each other, snuggle in bed, talk in bed until late at night, share dreams. The works. I thought everything was perfect. We'd end every conversation with "I love you!" Good or bad.

She is 22 yrs old, I am 23. We got married young. But we're both mature and have made it this far without any problems.

In May, she graduated college. I started noticing very subtle changes in her attitude towards me at that point, but nothing that couldn't be chocked up to standard moodyness. In June, she went to Costa Rica as a chaperone for a High School Spanish trip. She was gone for 2 weeks. When she came back, she was a completely different person.

cont.

She came back on our 3 yr anniversary and starting crying in a fancy restaurant saying she was feeling an overwhelming loss upon returning. I understand she had a good time. But it was our anniversary! I reacted poorly.

For the rest of that week, we barely talked. A few days later, we had a small fight and at the end of the fight she said she "doesn't think we're working", "it doesn't feel right anymore", and "we're just not on the same path". But she still loves me.

I was devastated. Never in a million years did I think this would happen. I love her more than life itself.

But here is where the weirdness begins. I left for a few days and then came back when it happened, at her request. Since that time, we've been living together, just like normal. Everything is a little askew, but mostly normal. We talk, do everything the same, have sex.
Her kisses are a little more apathetic than usual, but it's not the worst thing in the world.

Finally, after 2 months of this. I broke down.

We talked about our situation. And she still doesn't know that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She doesn't know if I'm the right one.

Well, she MARRIED me. So she must have thought so then, because it was HER idea.

Now she wants a separation. I said fine, as long as we can go to counseling, which she is fighting. But we have agreed. I'll leave and then we'll go to counseling.

The kicker is that she never asks me to leave. I keep asking her if I should leave now, and she says NO, she doesn't want me to go.

So I don't know what to do.

In the 2+ months that this has been going for. I have gotten the following reasons for this collapse in relationship.

1) I am too controlling. Because I have had a problem with her hanging with ONE of her guy friends.

2) I am too disrepectful. Because 4 years ago, I SUGGESTED that she might think about changing her major.

3) I don't put her in front of myself. I put her through school and was home each and every night to listen.

Every time I ask her what the problem in our relationship is, she says something different.

So apparently, I can just do no right. I feel like this is just a phase for her, but it has gone on so long. I don't know how to handle it anymore.

Should I leave and let her realize what she'll be missing. She doesn't even have a job. We only have one car.

But I can't stand her treating my feelings and hurt like dirt while she makes up her mind about wanting to be with me.

She loves me, so she says. So how can she both want me gone and around?

Answer 1

Graduating college and moving on with her career is now starting to become a pivotal time for her. She realizes she got married too young and that there is more out there, and the trip to Costa Rica made that more obvious to her. While she might be going thru the motions with you right now, it will probably not last and you are going to go thru this nutroll forever unless she grows up and accepts that she married you prior to finishing school and that she can have a good marriage and a career and to dispense any thoughts of another man because she has one who loves her dearly at home. If she can't grow up and face those facts, then you my dear, are in for a lonely marriage and you might want to reconsider the change.

Answer 2

First of all, if you two have a home together, do not offer to leave. You have just as much right to be there as she does.

It sounds like you two have a good relationship for the most part. I think that you do need to seek counseling in order to help to get you two through this. Even if she chooses not to go to the counseling, GO BY YOURSELF!! This will only benefit you in the long run no matter what direction your marriage takes. Perhaps, in time she will decide to join you.

You need to stop over analyzing the whole thing. Stop trying to pin point something you may have done wrong. Women can be very moody and we can be mad at you for something so meaningless even weeks and sometimes months after it happened. She obviously has issues of her own that need to be dealt with if she is giving you different reasons each time you try talking to her. If you keep asking her and prodding at her about it she will eventually get mad and pull back all together.

I think if you start counseling she will come around and start going also if she cares about the relationship at all. I do hate to say this but it sounds like something more may have gone on during her trip. Please DO NOT START QUESTIONING HER NOW!! I could very well be wrong and hope that I am.

I wish you all the best and please keep us updated on how things go!! GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 3

Unfortunately that is one of the risks in getting married so young. You still haven't become the person you are meant to be. you are still learning about yourself.
People continually change throughout their lives, but not nearly as much as they do during their teens and twenties.
She is probably realizing all that she has missed by marrying so young. She might also be meeting new people who are opening her eyes to new things.
You two need to lay all the cards on the table. It seems obvious what you want, but it's not clear what she wants. Counseling would help at this point as well.

Just read all the additional details...
You two definitely need to go to counseling now. You should not move out. She wouldn't be able to afford rent on her own since she doesn't have a job, and you should not pay it if you are not there. (That could be part of the reason she has not followed through on the "you move out/ the 2 of you go to counseling" deal.)
From the list of reasons she gave you for ending it, I;d say she is just not in love anymore and she is trying to justify the change of heart.

I fear she already knows what she wants but she is keeping you around for financial reasons until she gets a job and can live on her own.

Answer 4

Marriage is a roller coaster, up and down, and sometimes one is up while the other is down.

Her trip probably made her see all the things out there in the world that she can't have, which caused the fight. After a few days she realized how much she loved and missed you and asked you to come back. Right now she is torn between the two.

What she is experiencing is totally normal, everyone goes through it at one point. The fact that she wants you back around is a very good sign. Just try to be patient and caring with her, treat her like you always did, she will come back.

Answer 5

Your marriage is breaking down because the communications between you both broke down. When in a relationship of any kind, it is important to speak to each other very honestly about what is on your mind or why things between each other have changed. Tell her how much you love her, that you want to spend the rest of your lives together, and that you are concerned about the fact that the marriage is not as happy and stable as you would like it to be. Ask her what you both could do to put your marriage back on the right track. Good Luck!

Answer 6

You have to work at marriage. The nature of the relationship will not stay the same over time, but rather go through different phases. Have you ever seen two old folks talk about being married for fifty years? They look like they're clutching on to it with everything they've got.

That said, both people must be equally and fully committed to the agreement you made for it to work.

You've hit a time for counseling outside of anything Yahoo answers can offer.

Answer 7

Did it ever cross your mind that your wife might of had a fling while in Costa Rica? She is 22 and at that age, settling down is not an issue for a lot of people. she graduated college and now she want to explore life, but without you. Whatever you do, don't be insecure. Assure her that you love her. Ask her what's going on in her life. Always keep the communication lines open in your relationship

Answer 8

You both got married very young and people tend to grow apart when they do that. Usually it takes more than 3 yrs though. That just means maybe it could be less time wasted. My suggestion is, to go your own ways, you're still young. Either you guys will meet someone new or, who knows you could end up back together. You know the old saying " if you love something set it free, if it comes back, then it was meant to be".

Answer 9

wow for a guy you seem very sensitive, you seem great

But hear is what i think

She was interested in some guy, it might be the guy friend it might not be, but for certain its some Asshol.e who is sneaking in and causing waves

My husbands solution to running around is to get her pregnant then she has no choice

but you seem diffrent then alot of guys

so i would say Ask her to stop bull sh!tting you
to tell you what happened,

Say julia DID you cheat on me?/

If you have we can work it out.

But if you aren't sure you can recover from infedelity then
don't ask and go the get her pregnant route

I know its sounds crazy and the 2 of you are still very young, but I think your both able to manage it, and responsible enough

but if i were you I would find out who the snake is,
Cancel her Cell phone, pretend you just forgot to pay the bill
but get that thing turned off, this way you will see what the real problem is.

Good luck

And if your serious about leaving, leave and stop supporting her, she can't miss you if your still there

Go out and have fun

and stop kissing her, this will get her thinking,,,,,,,,,

Hope it helps

Meg

Answer 10

well i think the answer to your problem is that she needed space to her self and now that she got that space that she needed she began to fell more comfortable in her own skin and she is now using it to her advantage and she also needed to fine her inner peace, if you know what i mean.

there's nothing more worse that communication between a wife and husband. got it. so what you need to do is sit down with her and talk to her and while doing that just say honey how was you day and wait until she replies, then say you look wonderful today dear and so on.just add a little enlightenment to all of you conversation.

Hint: please do not talk about the same thing every night because females hate that. it will piss us off and drive us to the edge.

and if that doesn't work then you should just start reading more book on marital issues. ok. and have a wonderful day and i Hope my advice will help you along the way.
GOOD LUCK.