How to get over irrational and pointless fears?

Question

I am not stupid and I certainly understand that my personal fear has no rational point but I'm just terrified of people and what they think of me. I am a 24 year old girl and I don't shop, if I have to shop for something it's an ordeal simply because I assume EVERYONE is looking at me, laughing at me and generally judging me unfairly.
I know it steams from my years at academy and I must have built up almost a phobia but knowing this doesn't help me now. It can actually be quite crippling and I can get stressed to the point of tears. For me this is not normal, I am a very strong willed person and I wholeheartedly stick up for the rights of the under dog all the time but when it comes to me, Im a whimpering mess.
I'm not telling my pathetic sob story but i was wondering if anyone had experience getting over this kind of thing? I have been thinking hypnotherapy for a while but I'm assuming most of them are hacks? I guess I cant get Paul McKenna though.
I'd appreciate any pointers.
thanks

@ Tim.
I know people are not looking at me that is why it is an irrational fear.
People used to be quite cruel to me when I was younger and it was a group of people at my swimming club and the sight of them all laughing at me in my swimming costume made me feel panic like no other... I know it comes from these memories and Im not suggesting that I'm something special. I think your blunt answer to a question such as this is quite harsh....

Wow, thanks for the information there... that Social anxiety sounds like the one.
I hate stuff like this, I get quite annoyed at myself because I know it's baseless fear and I can get into a proper tizz sometimes and some people think that because im ok with them, I should be ok everywhere (I mean I agree I SHOULD be, but I'm not so telling me that being ok at my work means I should be ok in the middle of Marks and Spencers is not helpful)
I seriously lack in self confidence and i know this because dont like trash TV but I will always watch a make over show and hate the people on it but want to be them at the same time.
Arrrggghhhh!!!! It's very annoying but im going to look into these things you have all so helpfully told me about and see if i can overcome this. Im 24, I need to get over it but it's not coming naturally so I'm going to try to do something proactive even if I dont believe in most psychology stuff, I know just talking about things can help and that's called therapy :o)

Answer 1

I think most people have this to some extent or other. I expect you are a caring person who pays attention to other people's wants and needs; and this has unfortunately magnified into caring far too much what they think of you. This may make it difficult for you to succeed in practical tests (eg: driving, dance, public speaking) because of your overloaded thoughts, and that can affect your whole life.

My first piece of advice to you is to count yourself in. Put yourself in the category of people you know and care about and should stick up for. Try to stand outside yourself and see yourself from the point of view of a friend like you (you might need to read that sentence again!). Remember that your innermost thoughts and fears are hidden - they are not on view for the rest of humanity to laugh at and criticise.

Shakespeare said "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts." I suggest you take him literally. If you can find any, get acting lessons or join an amateur theatre group (if you can sing, join one that does musical theatre too). If you do this, you will learn acting, but without the stressful addition of REacting. Learning the scripts and practicing different ways of delivering the words gives valuable skills for dealing with those unscripted life situations - even a simple thing like allowing your silence to speak for you. The interaction with other actors would help you enormously with interacting with shop assistants and other strangers. (I've given a link below to the Dead Parrot sketch, which should give you something to smile about, though I wouldn't advise it as a solution!)

People do judge each other unfairly - sadly, malicious gossip is so much juicier than fair comment, and we all need to learn to deal with it. I used to be deeply hurt by a put-down. Now I just stare them in the eye, raise an eyebrow slightly, and look away again. No need to join in; I'm above that; and even if the comment hurt me, there's no way I'm going to let them know. They go away thinking that I deemed them not worth the bother of a retort.

Learn to like yourself, and to be your own best friend. If people try to bully or intimidate you (or you feel that way even if they aren't trying), remember that they too have their fears and anxieties. If that doesn't work, just imagine them on a toilet - a great leveller!

Answer 2

Obviously you know it is irrational and pointless, that's what phobias are. If they were rational we could just sit down and sort through them and they would go away. That would make them mildly uncomfortable and we would simply face them and be fine.
Get some decent help. Meditation is good, it works for a lot of things. I don't know if you can do it by yourself, only you know how determined you are. It takes time, I'm talking months not hours. It is something to look into and it does work.

Answer 3

Hi,

To be honest they probably aren't all staring at you, and the ones that are may be doing so because you look particularly attractive today.

Try not to get too stressed or upset about the judgement of other people, if that is what you fear. Try to know that not everyone hates you or will criticise you, and many may actually like you.

Don't get too down, and don't frame analysis of yourself around words like stupid and irrational- maybe try thoughtful and concerned.

Answer 4

Sounds like you have to talk to someone. Ask yourself what it is your so afraid of, get in touch with yourself, learn to love yourself. Obviously you are insecure about something, the way you look, act, something. You need to figure that out and fast. If you are a very Strong willed person then use that skill to help yourself. Sounds like you lack confidence. There is so much information out there for these types of problems, you need to utilize some of that information to help yourself.

Why would you assume everyone is looking at you, chances are no one is. You need to work on your confidence, build that up, once you are confident person on the inside, it will show on the outside. Building confidence is a lot of work, takes time, but once you get there, you should loose this fear. Another thing you may want to work on is assertiveness, even the most confident people lack assertiveness skills, I am currently reading this book "Your Perfect Right" It's a book teaching assertive behavior, you should check it out.

Forget about what other people are thinking and focus on yourself. Take a look at your life, the past, present and focus on who you want to become in the future and work towards that, I know you will overcome this fear - good luck!

Answer 5

Don't worry you're not stupid, it sounds really difficult for you. I agree, you will probably find cognitive behavioural therapy helpful. There are self help books that you can get in some areas of the U.K. through your G.P. called 'books on prescription'. If its not running in your area then I suggest these books;
Overcoming Anxiety: A Five Areas Approach-Williams, Chris.
Mind Over Mood -Greenberger, Dennis. & Padesky, Christine.
Hope this helps

Answer 6

introspection; you are looking at yourself and thinking that people are doing the same, paranoia; it just isnt happening people arent looking at you and if they were for any amount of time it would be to appreciate you rather than mock you people dont generally want to stare at people they find unnatractive. the way round is to emerse your self in those situations, however uncomfortable it makes you even if you ffel you are going to be sick and die or faint or whatever you are going to be able to control the feelings AND even if you can't you can always leave and try again just try it make it hard for yourself it will make you stronger.



I did it i was aggrophobic (i'm not sure how it is spelled) but I made it hard I went out to social situations I went the precinct for a walk I got a job customer facing in a bank where i saw people all day everyday it helped me im hardcore now lol

Answer 7

You have what is called "agoraphobia". It is actually a very common phobia and can be treated in various ways. You should first go to the doctor and discuss anxiety medications. Once the medication gets you to the point that you can leave the house, you can look into counseling. I can't vouch for hypnotherapy; I would try the regular methods first. Don't worry, it's very common; you will be able to conquer this... Hang in there:)

Answer 8

Although you are a strong willed person or so you think, you obviously lack in self confidence so you need to learn to love yourself in order for others to do so. If somebody is looking at you, which I doubt, then maybe they like your outfit or the way you have your hair, do you never look at someone and think they look nice? I hope this has helped I'm no expert but I do know hypnotherapy.....

Answer 9

I have heard about people saying these kind of thoughts,just don't care about the fear.Do the things that you fear,then Ur mind will start realising that you are fearing for nothing.Be in the company of the people you like.Never ever sit alone,be engaged all the time.Believe that there is always some kind of energy behind you to take care of you .Don't think about others,let them tell what they want to tell.Ultimately it is you who decides the way of your life.......

Answer 10

You have to stop, take an objective look at what ever the situation is that arouses those feelings, take note of what is actually happening, understand what is really happening as opposed to what you believe is happening as you are overwhelmed by emotions, and think things through logically. You will see that your fears are not valid, and you will feel more at ease.