I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place concerning my marriage. Advice?

Question

I've pretty much figured out that my marriage is over after 8 years of trying and getting no where. But, I have a unique situation which I don't know how to resolve and I could use some advice.
I moved overseas to be with my husband and I now live in a foreign country. I have only ONE family member back home who offers me support and would be willing to help me if I needed it.
The problem is my children. They are VERY close to my husband's family and of course my husband. They are young (6 and 7) but, old enough to know what is going on. They spend time with their grandparents every week and they absolutely love them.
If I divorced my husband, there would be no way that I could stay here. I'd have to go back home. I wouldn't be able to support myself financially here. And I feel like my children are not getting the best quality of life here anyways.
There is no way that I would leave my children behind. Continued...

I know my husband would grant me custody of the children. Because that is the one of the few redeeming qualities about him, that he is a wonderful father. He would never try to tear his children away from their mother.
But, that is where the rock and hard place comes in. I, as a mother, can NOT tear my children away from their grandparents and the only family that they have ever known.
If I moved back home (which I would HAVE to do if I were to divorce), then it would mean a 12 hour long plane ride to see their father and grandparents. It would have to be a rare occasion, maybe once a year, as I wouldn’t be able to afford much else.
I have thought about sharing the children by letting my husband have them for 3 months during the summer vacation. But, somehow this still doesn’t seem fair to my children. They would be devestated not to have their father or grandparents around every day. And it wouldn’t be like a stone’s throw down the road...it is across a huge ocean!
Continued...

In this case, do you think it is wiser to stay in the marriage and stick it out until the children are older? I am afraid of the traumatic effects it would have on my children otherwise.
Do you have any advice or ideas? Thanks!

Answer 1

If you are sure that the marriage is over, get the divorce. If you have to move, move. The cardinal rule in keeping children happy is keeping the mom happy.

Your children are young enough so that they will, relatively quickly, get over not seeing their father and grandparents often. It will be painful at first, but that's just the nature of divorce.

If your husband is really a great father, he will soon, if not immediately, think of moving close to wherever you and the kids go. If not, he should fork over the cash to make trips to see the kids or for the kids to come to him. The grandparents should also.

Answer 2

It's nice to hear how you care so deeply for the childrens right to be around the family they love and need. To many ppl get so caught up in who's right and who gets what and the children get caught in the middle, very sad to see.

So be very proud of yourself for being a very decent caring unselfish mother!

I'm sure your children would like for mom and dad to stay married, or at least live together, children allways do. The question is could you do that and be comfortable with the situation? I mean, the children also want a happy mommy and daddy and if that can't be then that will effect them so...

Gosh, this must be so so hard for you

It seems like you and their father respect eachother wich is a very good foundation when it comes to working this out in the best way possible.. There's no way for him to move back with you and find a job /be reassigned/ there??

I really wish you the very best of luck, I think you both are really great parents and will do whats best for the children.

Take care!

Answer 3

You both started off with the right mind set and objective. That is to love and cherished each other till death parts. Does these ever mean anything to both of you???

When you are married and have children, your losses the right of making decision on your own. You need to make decision as a family. Children especially at a very young age, will have emotional traumatic effect on them if you choose the path of divorcing. This emotional trauma that is inflicted upon them can be a life scar, and they will grow up to less confident in life and worse of all No sense of security.

From what I gathered, both of you still think for the children, in fact that is a very good sign of working things out. Sometimes working things out need not neccessarily that you both conduct a UN conference each arguing the facts of who is right and who is wrong, Or wanting the other party to change so that you feel good or are pleased for one reason or another.

Sometimes the best way is to keep quiet if you feel like jumping on your partner. Once you have maintain peace in the house, it would be easier to move forward in life. Concentrate your energy on your children rather than having arguments with yoru husband. Take things at your own stride, have patience and tolerance. In time to come, you will appreciate the love that your children reciprocate to you.

Loks like your grand parent and your husband is doing a wonderful job of raising the kids.

Have you ever think that the fault could be you, yourself instead of your husband. I don't mean you say bad things and hurt your husband. It is more of a perception of how you receive and intepret your husband's intentions. Sometime this gives you a sort of feeling that you resent, and there after what ever comes from your husband is all not appealing to you.

Hope this help... and really hope that you keep your family intact. I am sure that at the end of the day, if you do your part as a mother, your children will appreciate it.

Don't ever think that you can be a DISTANT mother, or REMOTE Mother. All children need sense of security and the time when they need is when they sleep and also when they first open their eyes to greet the world.

take care.

Answer 4

This is a difficult situation. If you could afford it, I would move back home, and have it arranged where every summer they could fly to see their father and other family. Its a compromise that should work, given both parents agree. See if he'll help pay for tickets every summer, too. If he is as good a father as you so describe, I think he would. The other question you have to ask yourself, is could you spend the rest of your life in a marriage where you might not be happy? Regardless of your children. I'm not saying be selfish, but if you are looking into staying married, could you see yourself doing just that?

Answer 5

If after marriage counseling there is no change, take the kids and go back home. You don't seem satisfied with the environment'quality of life there; go back home. Your little ones will miss their other loved ones yes, but things can be accomplished to help out that 'loneliness' by making/drawing pictures, having photos and mailing or emailing them to their father and relatives.
Your little ones are going to be going to school; this will help them get into a routine 'back home' in your town. This will be a hurdle that they will get over, in time. The 3 of you can get on with the rest of your lives in a manner that is best for the 3 of you. Best of luck!

Answer 6

You are really in a bind aren't you? Have you discussed this with your husband? If he agrees with you that your marriage is over but doesn't want to lose contact with the kids, then you could compromise and stay where you are, he financially supports you until you can get on your feet (accommodation, employment and after school care) and still have the contact with the children.

All is not lost, you can collaborate all the answers given and mix and match them to suit your needs.

Good luck!

Answer 7

In my opinion, I would get the divorce and stay there so the kids can see there dad and grandparents... you have to consider you should get spousal and child support at least child support and with your husband and grandparents there to help, Im sure you could find a way to support yourself... making sure they can grow up with a dad is way more important, everything else will fall into place with a little effort and time...

Answer 8

I think there is need for you tell us about the family problem that makes you think of quiting a marriage that seems outwardly normal. Good in laws, nice and supportive husband too yet you want to divorce. Tell us more so that we can try to give meaningful advise.

Answer 9

Well it sounds like your children are very happy..I know had a bad marriage myself but stuck it out for the sake of my children. The price of being a parent. Now my sons say why did I stay with him for so long....

Answer 10

You have not mentioned anything about the reason for divorce or the cause thereof. Anyway, it is best for you to resolve the differences between you and your husband and stay united. This is in the interest of all - more so your children.