ok i want to laugh real hard....make me laugh with one of your best jokes..pleasssse?

Question

thank you heres mine for you guys hope you guys like it

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. “Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”

Answer 1

This is my favorite joke of all times.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Answer 2

ROSWELL: THE SECRET REVEALED!

New theory about the Flying Saucer incident

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an Unidentified Flying Object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep-cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. this is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the Federal Government.

However, you may NOT know that in the month of March, 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., Hillary rodham, John F. Kerry, William Jefferson Clinton, Charles Schummer, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Diane Feinstein, and Barbara Boxer were born.

See what happens when you have aliens breed with sheep? This bit of information may clear up a lot of things!

Answer 3

Ok this is old but you may like it, I think it was done by Red Fox or Richard Pryor but I could be wrong, I know I had both those albums somewhere.

The pilot turns on the intercomm and says
This is the Captain.
We are curenty traveling at 700 miles and hours at an altitude of 25,000 feet.
You may remove your seat belts and move around as needed.
Then the Captain turns to the Co-Pilot and says,
I think I'll take a shitt and then go F*ck the Stewardess.

The Stewardess hears this and runs toward the cockpit.
She trips and falls on her asss next to a little old woman.

The little old woman looks at the Stewardess and says
You don't have to hurry Honey you heard him say he had to take a shitt first.

Hope you like it it's been so long since I heard this.

Answer 4

A West Virginia University fan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical West Virginia baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the West Virginia fan just shrugs and replies, That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical West Virginia baby boy. "He's gonna be a West Virginia University football player."

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, Say, aren't you the father of that typical West Virginia baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds. The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!

The West Virginia father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

Answer 5

I don't know too many... But here's one I remember,

This guy walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and says "if I can amaze you like no one has ever my I have a free drink" the bartender says "okay, but I've been amazed in my life" so the guy says "okay" and pulls out a tiny piano and bar stool and dig in the other pocket and pulls out a tiny bull frog. The bull frog cracks his knuckles and sits down and starts playing the piano like you've never heard before. So the bartender says " okay you won that drink" so then the guy says if I can wow you again may I have free drinks for the entire night?" The bartender says "okay, but I've been wowed in my life time." So the guy pulls out a tiny rat out his pocket and the rat sits on the frog's lap and warms up his voice and sings the blues like you've never heard before. So the bartender say "okay you've earned it" SO this guy watching goes "I'll give you 100,000 dollars for that rat." and the guy says " he's not for sale" the guy keeps going up and up and up on the price until the get to 1,000,000 dollars the guy finally says "sold" So the man walks up and get the rat and walks out happy. The bartender then says "why did you do that you could have gotten way more for that rat." the guy says "not really the frog is a ventriloquist"

Answer 6

Three women die at the same time and meet St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter says "Ladies, there is only one rule in Heaven. DON'T STEP ON ANY DUCKS! Now you may enter heaven.".

There are ducks EVERYWHERE! Within 3 hours one of them had stepped on a duck. She was immediately handcuffed to the ugliest man she had ever seen for all eternity.

The other two women were getting worried so they began to be much more careful. Still, within another twelve hours another one of them stepped on a duck. If you thought the first guy was ugly you should have seen the moles and warts on this one. She was handcuffed to him for all eternity.


This REALLY had the third lady paranoid. She decided to stay in bed the entire next day so as not to step on a duck.

The next morning she awoke handcuffed to the hottest man she had ever seen. She said "Oh my god! what did I do to deserve THIS?!"

The hottest man she had ever laid eyes on said " I don't know about you lady, but I stepped on a duck.".

Answer 7

An Italian, an Irishman & a Chinese man are hired to work on a construction site. On the first day the foreman points to a huge pile of sand & says to the Italian," You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." To the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

He tells them that he has to go somewhere & when he returns 2 hours later he finds the huge pile of sand untouched.
"Why didn't you sweep any of it?" he asks the Italian. The Italian replies in a heavy accent," I no gotta broom, an you tella me dat da Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies but he disappear & I no finda him".

The foreman then turns to the Irishman & asks why he didn't shovel.
"Aye, well I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies but I couldna find him".

The foreman is furious & storms off looking for the Chinese fellow. He can't find him anywhere & is getting angrier by the minute.

Suddenly the Chinese man jumps out from behind the pile of sand & yells, "Supplies "

PS most chinese PPL cannot say Rrrr

Answer 8

"I hate drinking water. Fish have sex in it"

Three clergymen were at the beach together, a Jewish Rabbi, a Catholic Priest, and a Protestant Pastor. It is a very hot day so they decide to go swimming without their swimming trunks on. As they head up the beach a group of women from each minister's congregation happens to approach. The two Christian ministers cover their privates while the Jew covers his face. Later the Christians ask the Jew why he didn't cover his privates instead of his face, to which the Jew replies, "My congregation remembers me by my face, not my privates"

Answer 9

that was pretty good, this is one of my favorites retold the best way I can but beware that I am a beer snob;)

the CEOs of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness are at a conference. They get together and go into the bar. The CEO of Miller orders Miller Genuine draft, the CEO of Budweiser orders himself a Budweiser, the CEO of Guiness orders a Coca-Cola. Stunned the other two ask him "what did you order a coke for?" He simply replies "well if your not going to have a beer than neither am I !"

Answer 10

there are three nuns and they go the priest and say that they want to have one night of sinning. the priest says, ok you can go out and do whatever you want. when you are done you have to come back, do 20 hail marys and drink the holy water. so the first nun goes out and come back the priest asks what she did, she says that she drank 50 sailors under the table. the priest says ok do 20 hail marys and drink the holy water. the second nun comes back and the priest asks what she did, she said that she went to a hotel and slept with every man she saw. the priest says ok do 20 hail marys and drink the holy water. the last nun comes back and is laughing hysterically the priest asks what she did and she said, she peed in the holy water. love this joke.

Answer 11

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."


and another...

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you ! "

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me that because of prison, he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.

I love you, too