Is this an ok beginning to you?

Question

The door to my tiny bedroom suddenly creaked open. My eyes flew open immediately. My mother's head was stuck into my room. “Time to get up my dear child. Your work is to be done.” Within a flash of a few seconds, she was gone and my door was shut once more. It was early. Too early for most. The room was dark, as usual. I could barely see my tiny trunk that contained all of my clothes on the opposite wall of my bedroom. A stubby little candle stick in a metal holder sat on top of the trunk. Was it morning already? It felt like I had just gone to bed. Ugh. Another day was here. Another day of work on our Amish farm.
I rolled out of my bed and planted my feet on the rough wood planks which made my floor. They were cold and scratchy. The floor did not bother me anymore though. Nor did the early hours or anything else.

I was born into this and was perfectly content. Or so I thought. Recently I had been having dreams of me in the "Real" world and living a normal life. But I knew that these were foolish and "bad" thoughts.

Answer 1

Too. Segmented. It'd be like trying to listen to somebody talk and they have a ten second pause after every other word. Comma's and Semicolons are our friends, learn to use them and love them. Your sentences are also to A to B, like your listing sentences instead of making a story.

Like this:

As I lay in my tiny bedroom sleeping, I was shook awake by a creaking sound. "Time to get up, dear. You've work to be done," spoke my mother. No sooner than she appeared has she already vanished and my door was shut once more. It's early, what would be way too early for most people, and the room was dark; the only source of light being the tiny stub of a candle on my trunk. It felt like I've just gone to bed and I asked myself, "Is it morning already?" Of course, it was, another day of work on our farm. I rolled out my bed, planting my feet on the cold wooden planks, although as I had grown older I became more accustomed to it.



As an example.

Answer 2

It's ok, but it doesn't keep my attention. For one, that paragraph should be split up into several paragraphs. A few changes I would make would be when the mother is speaking:

"Time to get up my dear child. [though I would consider changing that wording a bit...research the way the Amish would talk, maybe even find out a Low German nickname] There is work to be done," and in a flash she was gone.

Then start a new paragraph.

I would definitely also put "Was it morning already?" and "Ugh" in italics.

I'm also a little confused about the floors not bothering the main character ANYMORE. My guess is if she was born Amish, it never would have bothered her because that would be all she knew.

I would also scratch the sentence, "Nor did the early hours or anything else."

Answer 3

It isn't much yet, but it didnt do much to keep my attention. Maybe when there is more. Have you done much research on Amish? Do you intend to "keep it real" and really write about their lives? If so, it would be interesting. But if it's made up, then no, I wouldn't read it. Theirs is a very specific way of life - and you will need lots of very specific details to pull it off. Pax - C

Answer 4

It sounds very good! I like the idea, an Amish girl that wants to get out. I really like all of it except the "Ugh" part, you could change that to something like "I grunted" or something more professional. It sounds like a great book to me!

Answer 5

Sound's like you're referring to "yourself" or your character in the first person too much. Lay off the "I"s "me" "my" etc in the first few sentences. Start out with the mother saying "get up, dear" THEN you're character wakes up and talks about where she/he is and what they're doing.