should my ex be involved in the pregnancy?

Question

well, i've been engaged for over a year now, and just a few weeks before the wedding (last week) I found out that my now ex-fiance has been cheating on me for several months. When I confronted him, he became angry, called the wedding off, and has left me to be with her.

I left the state to go home with my mom. I am 5 months pregnant and have been having a difficult pregnancy. The cheating began when I was constantly being hospitalized. And while I Was in the hospital a few weeks ago, he used that opportunity to use our honeymoon money to take this other woman to Mexico.

He has called and claims he wants to be involved in the pregnancy, childbirth classes, and birth of the baby. I don't know whether to believe him or not because he seems to have lied about everything. Should I keep him involved?I 'm about to start childbirth classes and don't know if he should be allowed to come. Moreover, I now live out of state and don't know if him commuting for the classes makes much sense.

he also claims that I should communicate via phone with him regularly about the pregnancy. I also recently found out that because of his cheating I now have two sexually transmitted diseases. He is the only man I have ever slept with, in my entire life.

Answer 1

Wow, I can't image going thru what you are going thru. I'm sorry sweet heart. I think that you should direct your concentration to your health and your child's health right now... and if you feel that he would be a decent father... you should put your baby first and let him have a father. I grew up w/out mine for the most part... he lives a few minutes away and we have no type of relationship hardly. It has really affected me while I grew up and still to this day. He doesn't have to go to the classes with you if you can't handle him being around, but you really should keep him involved and try to maintain a decent relationship ( even tho it has to be damn hard to) with him... so your baby can have a dad... i've seen it be very stressful on children whose parents are separated and don't get along... tell him you'll give him a call when something important happens.. and work on keeping your difficult pregnancy as easy on you as possible... good luck, I hope everything works out great.

Answer 2

I understand that you are hurt... been there done that.. I was married and at five months my spouse left to cheat (without the STD) I think you should seize every opportunity early in the game to let him be involved in the pregnancy because you will need his help raising the child. Just because you are no longer a couple is no reason to cut him off from a child you did not have on your own. I let my cheater ex husband stay involved and my son is now 17 and he still goes to all his son's school activities, dinners and we even take his daddy out for his bday. My son has never lived in the same house with both his parents but he knows who they both are... though we are not a couple, we still do everything for the benefit of our son... we both love him so much.. we are willing to put our lack of feelings for each other aside and support our son. It's not about you and him anymore.. it's now about the baby. Make the baby the issues you talk about..

Answer 3

No, no, no.. he doesn't deserve to be involved. You have your family. You don't need this cheat, lie, disease carry scum bag in your life or your child's life. Do you think he'll enhance both of your lives or give you more headache, heartache not to mention disease? Now he expects you to call him and let him know everything is going on? HE WALKED OUT ON YOU when you were in the most vulnerable state REMEMBER?

If I were you, I would write him off and go on with my life. Instead of admitting his mistake, he called off the wedding. What a coward! I hope he doesn't do that with her when she gets pregnant. Maybe that was a good thing. He's someone else's problems, not yours. He even used your money to take someone else to Mexico when that money should be yours. I don't think so. This shouldn't even be a question. Ask your family. I'm sure they'll give you the same answer.

Answer 4

Wow, first let me say how sorry I am that this happened to you! I can't even imagine what you're going through.

But I don't know if there is any clear answer to this question. Like it or not, because of this baby you two have a permanent bond. I think you should start to make the best of it right out of the gate. He did horrible things to you, but he is the father, and he has rights. I'd leave it up to him though. If he wants to be involved, let him. But don't go out of your way to include him. If he wants updates, sure, give them to him. If he wants to come to birthing classes, let him. He can sit in the back and watch. He doesn't have to be your partner if you don't want him to be.

On another note, you maybe want to think now about what you plan to do about custody and visitation, because that's a whole other issue that is will hit the fan in about 4 months. You might want to think about finding a lawyer to handle that for you. Better to be proactive about it now and not have to deal with it down the road if he ever decides to make it an issue.

I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this. But it is manageable. You'll get through it, and in a few months you're going to have a precious baby, and that's what really matter.

Answer 5

Jamie, why in the world would you want to let him become involved with the birth of your baby? I certainly hope you can see that the ONLY thing he should get out of this is the responsibility of paying child support for the next 18 years.

He didn't just make a mistake, he intentionally took advantage of a situation. Jerk that he is, you shouldn't allow him to enjoy any part of this wonderful experience.

Then maybe he'll realize he missed out on two things: marrying a good person and missing out completely on the birth of his child.

Don't look back, sweetheart.

Good luck.

Answer 6

He's the kind of guy your mom warned you about right? Well kick him to the curb. You know deep in your heart whether or not he will be involved in the child's LIFE. Not just the birth. He's only trying to ease he gutter crawling behavior.
Be sure to put his name on the birth certificate so that you will be able to collect child support.
Keep in contact BY PHONE at your convenience. Send an occasional photo of you in it with the child. Don't give the pr*ck any bragging rights. And if he truly show continual interest in the child, bite the bullet and Know that this STD spreading thing will be in your life whether you like it or not.

Answer 7

I think that you should, but I wouldn't let him get too close to you emotionally. He may think now that you two will have a child together, you will be in his life forever and he can always come back to you if he wants to. I would keep the contact minimal, but let him see his child. Every child deserves to have a father. Just make him aware that you are not giving him any second chances. What he did was horrible, and if he did it once, what makes you think he won't do it again? Get out there and date, or at least let him think that you are! Good luck and I am sorry! :(

Answer 8

ok now you know what kind of man that you are dealing with. remember he is the child father and has every right that you do to be involved in the childs life. regardless of what has gone on between you two. your focus should be on having a healthy baby and caring for the child once it gets here. it is not responsibility to care how he will get back and forth from the classes. you are responsible for giving him the information and leave it alone after that. you can not make him do anything for that child or for you. once the child is born take him to court for child support and set up visitation for him and let it go. move on with your life. if he does not follow through with the visitation thats his problem not yours. once its start to effect the child cut it off. you are to make decision that will be in the best interest of the child not what dad has done to you and how he cheated and lied to you. its not about neither one of you, its about the child. GodBless.

Answer 9

Girlfriend, its hard being a single mother let me tell you without the support of the father, that being money and emotionally is extermely hard. Regardless of your feelings toward him, if he wants to be involved with your pregnancy, you should let him cause going through it alone is very emotionally stressful and hard.I have 2 kids and daddy got scared and basically i went through both of those pregnancies alone and i wish he had been there with me through it cuase we created the kid togeher, we should go through all the steps together. Its not benefiting for u but it will be benefiting for your baby. You gotta keep that in mind, its about the baby, not how you feel about each other, but if he makes promises to you and he cant keep them, then just go it alone and I hope you have a good support system, you can always contact me if you want to talk...

Answer 10

Do what is best for you and the baby. I think you should let him be involved at a distance. Odds are he does think he can still be a great father. Plus you need to file for child support so let him think you aren't all that angry. Get his Social security number if you don't already have it. Say you need it to apply for wel fare or for the medical insurance or for the child birth certificate. Just get it. Don't let him trick you in to thinking he is there for you. He obviously just wants to not feel guilty about the baby.