help from married couples?

Question

Hello board, My wife and I are having a debate We have 4 children ages 11, 10, 9 and 3 we are both 40 but we are also a blended family only together for the last 6 years We have one child that is ADHD and we both work full time, She works 40 hour work week 8-5. I work a compressed 3 day 4 day rotation 12 hours night shift. Our sex life has dwindled to once a week and it’s no romance just sex get if over with so wife can go to sleep. I asked her if she loves me or if she is in love with me, she says she is in love with me. She says our love life is normal for the above info, I want he all the time and she barley has time for me. She is involved in the PTA and she has card making class once a month. I watch kids for these time. We try to have a date night every other week. So some input from any one in our same boat,. Thanks

Answer 1

I understand where you are coming from and no matter how hard a married couple tries, life has this way of getting away from you. You have plans and hopes when you are newlyweds, but then reality sets in and the only time you are close is when you pass one another in the hallway.

In this day and age, there is so much to be done in such a short amount of time that we just don't have much spare time for "togetherness".

I know what you are talking about, as my hubby and I don't spend much time together. He is a store manager, I work FT Monday-Friday 7:30-3:30. We have an 8 year old and a 12 year old. We have cheerleading, tumbling, soccer, etc. When all is said and done, there is not any time for us. We lived this way for a while and then finally decided that it was of UTMOST IMPORTANCE to MAKE time for one another. Even if it's 10 minutes of cuddling on the couch and watching TV together. We've started calling one another once a day, just to say "Hi. How is your day? Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and that I love you!" We leave each other notes and try to go out a few times a month with just one another for some quiet time together.

The key is not quantity, but quality!! Make time for the simple things. Enjoy each and every second you have together.....I'm not talking sex and romance, I am talking just enjoying one another's company. You will be suprised how this will help your marriage.

Answer 2

This is a question of priorities. Of course your kids are a top priority. But what's next, or even before? The PTA? A card class? Mismatched work schedules?
You two MUST make your relationship your top priority. The bedrock EVERYTHING ELSE is founded upon. Everything else should flow FROM that relationship, not in the way of it.
How real would it be for one or the other of you to change your schedule? Even if it took a while to accomplish it? A once a month class shouldn't be THAT big a problem, but how often does the PTA meet? Are they going to collapse if she's not there? You have 4 kids. Where are the babysitters? Twice a month to be by yourselves is just not enough. I'd say weekly AT LEAST is more like it. I commend your wife for her dedication to things that are important to her. You and your relationship together just need to be at the top of that list.
Oh and My wife and I had four boys too. We know what you're up against. But this is not insurmountable.
By the way what are you going to do 10 years down the line when the kids start having their own kids, and figure out just how available and free grandma, and grandpa are as babysitters? ;)

Answer 3

With all that going on consider yourself lucky you have sex once a week. Seriously. Be grateful.

She's exhausted. In all likelihood (because I don't know the two of you) it has nothing to do with her not loving you.

You say she 'barely has time for you' but the only extra things you mentioned her doing are being involved in the PTA (good for her! more parents should be) and taking a class *once a month* (and I’m sure you will agree she deserves to do that one tiny thing for herself).

So....the frequency of your sex life likely will not increase unless something happens to decrease her workload (ie she reduces her hours at work, you hire a maid to clean the house, etc).

But the good news is that once the kids are grown and gone, you'll both have the time and energy to chase each other around the house naked :)

Answer 4

Okay here's my advice. Life is busy. I admire your wife for doing the things she does but there is also a time that family or spouse come first. Maybe your wife should try not being so involved in some of these things. If there is anything extra that you could do to help her then I would say try it. I know people laugh at the sex once a week thing but obviously something is missing in your relationship or you wouldn't be writing on here with this question. Sit down and talk to your wife. Find out what it is that she needs from you to help out. Good luck.

Answer 5

You shall know them by their fruit. Actions speak louder than words. You have acknowledged the warning signs. It is good that you are questioning whether you should continue in this relationship. I would say you two are unequally yoked. If you are serious about your faith, then your future husband should be considered the head of the family (as much as we women don't like that). And if he does not take the reins of spirituality in your family, then your family will not grow in God and will be out of balance. It's a lonely journey for the wife to pursue God on her own. And it is likely to get worse once you're married (I know this from personal experience). As a Christian woman, it is an excellent idea to require in a future husband a man who is willing to pray with you. This demonstrates a humble, godly attitude and a spirit of intimacy that is really important in a marriage relationship. If you can pray together, then your marriage has a much better chance at succeeding. It is always more difficult to do the right thing than the wrong thing. But it always pays off in the end. Sometimes you have to give up what appears to be good in order to be available to receive the best. I would at the VERY least put the engagement on hold. I would also seek counsel from a mature Christian who has demonstrated wisdom to you. I agree with other respondents that it is not wise to seek advice off the internet for something this important. Obviously, you received some unsolicited answers even though you asked for sound Christian advice. You don't know any of us. Please be careful whose advice you take in life. If they're in the Word and growing closer to God, then those people would be worth listening to. May God reveal Himself to you in a special way!

Answer 6

You two need date night. When just the two of you go out somewhere for dinner, alone. Working 5 days a week and having kids and a home is tiring. Cut her some slack. Try to make your alone time more special. Help out a little and maybe she would have more energy for you.

Answer 7

You'll be ok. Sometime life gets in the way and then one day you wake up and it has changed again. Though a date night is a good idea even if you end up talking about the kids and how things are going......Just to spend time together....

Answer 8

That is how marriage is sometimes. You have to make the time. You need to set down and figure out a schedule. But I would say having it once a week is pretty darn good with four kids. We only have one kid and sometimes we don't get it once a week!

Answer 9

Sounds about normal. 4 kids - that's a lot on one's plate.

Answer 10

Be totally thankful for the time that you do get to spend together.

It won't always be like that, I assure you.