Is it to late?

Question

I have been married for 15 years I was married at 18 and came from a slighty disfuntional surroundings (as most of us have, lol). My Husband works as a truck driver and is gone at least more then half the year it seems...but when I look at what we have I think "well wheres all the money your making at"?I stopped going to school to take care of our 2 children.And work a low paying job.I KNOW for a FACT he's cheated at least 2 times, so I thought If I did the same he would feel like he made me feel.StUPID! Instead I feel like a dirty whore.I want to go back to school so I can provide for our children.But because of his abusive behaviors towards me(not kids) I 'm afraid he will know I am trying to move on.He wont let me have any freinds and my family is pissed off with me for marrying him in the first place.I try and be strong for my children but because of lack of support I feel like I'm drowning and alone, you can call me a stupid loser .But I am human, not a rock...I need help

Answer 1

It's never too late. But you have to allow yourself to make grown up decisions now for yourself and your children. You need to decide whether or not YOU want to stay in your marriage. It sounds to me like you don't. So now you need to figure out how to leave and how to take care of your children. If he isn't a bad father, only a bad husband, then he will help you with them once you figure out your plan and he realizes he can't change it. If he doesn't, then it is up to you to take steps. There are programs that will help you in your community. You don't necessarily need to go on welfare, but there are programs that will help you go back to school, help you with childcare while you are at school, and will even assist you in finding some type of part time work (yes, still low paying) that will be flexible around your kids and school schedule.

If your family won't support you during this time, then you need to go find another support group. Look at Craigslist or in local bulletins for divorce support groups. Look for the local chapter of Parents Without Partners, having people to talk to and resources to share will build your confidence and help you when you need it.

It's ok to be human, but realize that when it comes to your children, you are going to sometimes need to be the rock, have faith in yourself and you will find a way.

Answer 2

Being married for 15 years is nothing to sneeze at. That is a huge chunk of your life.
IS he emotionally abusive or physically? Neither is okay hun. And wanting to put yourself through school is a good thing. However you can not let him drive a wedge between you and your friends and family. Is he the sort of person you can talk to? Because if you can't communicate with him then this is going to be tough... in actuality none of this is going to be simple. In this life you have to love yourself. What are the things that make your heart sing? If your lost.. you need to find yourself. Alone and worthless is no way to fell and it doesn't have to be that way. You need to tell him exactly how you feel about everything. If he isn't willing to work with you and compromise then the best thing will probably be for you to leave. I know it is hard.. but you also have 2 babies to think about. If one of your kids were full grown and going through this.. what would you tell them? You would want the best for them right? You would think they deserve to be happy and have someone that cherishes them right? Well the same applies to you sweetie.. you deserve that too. The sooner you realize how beautiful you are and how much you have to offer someone.. the easier this will be on you. I am a firm believer in exaughting all options before you end a marriage.. if you do that then you know without a doubt that you tried everything humanly possible to save the marriage... and there will be no regrets. When was the last time you did something for you? When is the last time you spent money on yourself? When is the last time he made you feel needed. When was the last time he said thank you? Your a mother and that is a tough job.. he needs to recognize this. If it comes down to leaving it won't be easy, and it usually gets worse before it gets better. Just know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Never be afraid to move on. Progressing in life is exactly what we are supposed to do. As humans we need to love.. be loved, learn and grown. If he is stunting your growth then you two are obviously not on the same plane. Search your heart long and hard, reach a descision and stick with it. You can survive anything. Bettering yourself is not a crime. Take it one step at a time. Try and see if he will compromise, if he won't you know the option you are left with. You can do this.. I believe in you. Good Luck, Reese

Answer 3

First of all, you are not a dirty whore. You got frustrated and retaliated, it happens. At least you know men still find you attractive ;-)

Since he is gone so much, would he really know, if you started school? I'm sure you can get a government grant or loan (which you pay back after you graduate) so that he doesn't notice the financial end of it. For that matter, if he is away so much, how does he keep you from friends and family?

I'm fairly sure that if you told your family of your plan to leave him, they would support you in that decision. You may have to hear a few I told you so's but in the end, they will be there for you. Even if they are not, you are obviously a very strong woman; you can do this! You need to do this! You are not teaching your children what a healthy relationship is all about. When they grow up, they will think of what you have as normal. I know you don't want them to live the life you have been living. Besides, if his abuse escalates or your children rise to defend you, what can happen is unthinkable.

For you, for your children, for your future grandchildren; you need to find it in yourself to do this. You can and you must. You deserve better than this! and so do your kids!

Answer 4

Go back to school. Depending on your combined income, you can get grants to help pay your way (research PELL grants, in particular.) Maybe you can start while he is on the road, then by the time he gets back, you will already be in a program. Figure out what you want to do - how you can better your life and the life of your children, and then do what you set your mind to do.
I work full time, am a single mom, and am a full time student. It's not easy, but it can be done.
If he is physically violent towards you, call the police -- not just once, but every time.

Answer 5

you have got to find a way to get out of this, it is obviously becoming a dangerous situation for you, and if it's not taken care of, you or your children could be seriously hurt, whether it's emotionally or physically, or both. for the sake of you and your children, you need to get out. the easiest thing for you to do might be to leave him, just take the kids and leave, don't tell him where you are going, leave while he's at work. while you're living with your children somewhere, work on getting divorce papers, fill them out and have your lawyer or a lawyer send them to him without letting him know where you are, and if you have to, take him to court. I am very sorry to hear that you have been put into this situation, and I hope I've helped a little. Also, if you don't already, listen to some Christina Aguilera music, the empowering songs, like "Fighter", "Oh Mother", songs like those, they are very good.

Good Luck and I will pray for you

Answer 6

If he's gone most of the year it should be fairly easy to get things back on track. Talk to your family about what your plans are so they can support you... maybe help with the kids once in a while. You'll make friends at school to help support you emotionally also. Don't let him hold you back any longer it might not be easy but it will be worth it. You can do it....stay strong.

Answer 7

He's gone for 1/2 the year, that should give you plenty of time to take classes and find a decent paying job. Start putting money away, if need be have a relative you trust hold it for you. Get yourself a nest egg big enough to rent a place of your own, have a decent job, and file for divorce and child support.

Answer 8

Too late for what? You have an abusive, adulterous husband and two children who are watching these behaviors. That's four great reasons to move out and move on with your life.

It sounds like you've checked out on your marriage, and if you have proof that your husband has cheated on you, you have every right to move on.

If you're worried that your family will stay angry with you because of a mistake it took 15 years to recognize, would they be less angry with you for a mistake it took 20 years to recognize? Talk to your family. See if they will help. Look into financial aid for school. Take steps to help yourself get ahead and provide a dysfunction-free environment for your children.

Good luck--

Answer 9

Sounds like you are in a RUT! Stop being a doormat for the hubby to wipe his feet on. Both of you should stop cheating if you want to continue the relationship. Get your education one class at a time if you can and before you know it, you will be able to care for yourself and the kidos. Tell him that you MUST improve as a person or your brain will rot. It would be a great example for the children too.

Answer 10

The only thing that you should be concerned about is the welfare of your children. Your sanitity is key. Do what you have to do to prevent yourself from falling into pieces! Concentrate on bettering yourself so that you can get into a position to provide for you and your children. You state that he is gone all the time so this should be an easy fix. Good Luck sweetie!