How can my husband forgive my affair?

Question

I have been married for 14 years. I admit that I did the most horrible thing and want my husband to try to forgive me. I feel like my life will be over if he doesnt. I know that many of you will say that it is unforgivable, but if anybody can suggest what I can possibly do to fix my marriage, please do. It was a horrible mistake, I just did not know how to stop it. I realize that I have hurt him terribly and would like to fix it. Please help

Answer 1

You can work to rebuild your marriage. There is NO quick fix and it will take lots of effort from both of you to start this process of recovery. Hang on, it's going to be tuff, especially in the early months. Expect that your husband will go through many ups and downs, this is a real emotional trauma to discover that your spouse has betrayed your trust.

First step was to admit you have a problem and start rebuilding trust by being honest. Ratical, compassionate honesty. Answer his questions as openly and honestly as you can without being cruel with comparisons or making excuses or blaming your spouse for your terrible choices.

Then, stop ALL contact with the other person. No continued friendship, no checking up on him, no saving old emails or gifts, NOTHING. Any backslide or deception will set back the slow process of rebuilding trust. If something happens and the other person contacts you, stop it right away and let your husband know. You cannot control the other person, but you can show your husband that there will be no further secrets.

You are the one who damaged the trust, so it will be up to you to earn that trust back. Now is not the time to be crying about personal privacy. Let your husband SEE that you are doing the right thing. Be transparent. Be open with all forms of communication, voice mail, email, etc. Be accountable for your time, let him know if anything changes. It sucks living under the microscope, but you are the only one who can rebuild this damage.

Seek a counselor certified in couples counseling.
Find a good support group, other's who have gone through this understand this better and will offer more encouragement in rebuilding the marriage. It maybe helpful for your husband also, but I've seen couples posting on the same board have problems, so it might work better if you both have a place to vent and seek help. Below are two groups, the SI board has a section for the former wayward spouse. Look for a BAN network in your area.

Marriages can survive this. The best way to do that is to directly address the problem of the affair. Sweeping it under the rug just leaves the problems to fester and grow with time.
Together, you will have to work hard to rebuild, and facing his pain and anger will be difficult. Have patience, he is healing.
Some couples report that with time, they develop a stronger marriage than before, not because of the affair, but due to the intense work to rebuild.

Source(s):

Resources
A really good book:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass

A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/affairstal...

A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/...
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html...

A few good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/...

An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/

Answer 2

Well I know you are sure to get a lot of stones thrown at you for this one. However, the bible states, "Let he without sin, cast the first stone." Truth of the matter is that we are all human beings and we all make mistakes. Some worse than others. Cheating is pretty bad. I wish I could sugar coat things for you but I can't. You have to understand that your husband is hurt and he no longer believes he can trust you. The thing about trust is, that once you lose it, it is hard to get back. I don't know whether you are a spiritual person or not, but the only thing that can save your marriage is now is God and the love you have for each other. If you haven't established a relationship with God, then now is apparently a good time to do so. I can't even begin to tell you how my life has improved since inviting Christ into my life. There were times when my back was against and the wall and I thought all hope was lost. However, through prayer and faith, God carried me through the hard times. If God can pull me through my tough times then I know He can do the same for you. All you have to do is believe and trust in him. There are some people who will tell you that all is lost, while others will tell you to get marriage counseling, however, what your marriage needs now is spiritual healing, and that comes from God. I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. Peace and God bless.

Answer 3

I suggest the 2 of you seek out marriage counseling. The only way he's going to let go of his feelings of anger, mistrust, and hurt are to be able to TALK through them with a professional in a safe place. Trying to talk through things just by yourself will probably be no good because it will just be a cycle of you feeling guilty and begging forgiveness and him getting upset. You're going to have to accept that it will take many YEARS for him to ever trust you the way he once did.....and he may NEVER trust you 100% again. You have to learn how to be ok with that because you brought it on yourself and that's part of the consequence. I would say that most marriages cannot withstand an affair unless they get counseling and actively work on the issue that made you stray in the first place. The professional counseling will also help you forgive yourself so that you don't live the rest of your life in guilt. That's a horrible existence. You made a horrible, terrible mistake but you've owned up to it and are trying to make amends. Be as patient with your spouse as possible.

Answer 4

Dear, it'll take time. And work on both you and him. You absolutely seem genuinely remorseful. And it is forgivable. If you two have love for one another, then it's a good chance you guys can work thru it...slowly. His heart and ego are hurt. You didn't kill someone. You made an err in judgement. Even if he can't eventually forgive you, but probably will, you must forgive yourself. Being human can suck sometimes because we make mistakes and luckily most of us have a conscience. Expect him to be suspicious of everything you do and take it with a grain of salt as much as you can if he throws it in your face. It's a phase. Good luck to you and your husband!

Answer 5

Hi there

Unfortunately the balls in his court now and its down to him to try and find forgiveness in his own way. You could seek advise form a professional but would your husband be prepared to attend?. All you can do is try to be the person you were when he first fell in love with you. Doing everything for him won't change how he feels. Personally as sad as it sounds the only way that a person who has been cheated on can restore the balance is to cheat back. I know two wrongs don't make a right but nearly everyone i know that has been cheated on has gone out and done the same to get their own back.


Best wishes

idai

Answer 6

Be honest and accept whatever he wants to do. If you are sincere, i'd tell him "what I did was horrible, the worst thing I can possibly think of and I have no words to explain my stupidity. I do know I want to do everything I can to earn your trust back and your love back and am willing to do whatever it takes to do so" kind of thing. Understand he is probably in shock, feeling insecure, wondering what he did wrong to deserve this, wondering if the other guy was better looking, better lover, makes more money, etc. etc. It will take him some time. Go to a counselor as well, with or without your husband, they deal with this kind of stuff on a daily basis.

Answer 7

Well, when you had the affair, you were in control; now that he has found out, he is controlling if he will stay or leave. It is his choice alone. All you can do is prove to him that you are remorseful, ashamed and vow never to do such a thing again. If he loves you enough, he will be willing to start again and will start to forgive you. Time will take care of it all.

Answer 8

You both need to get into therapy. He needs to find out if he can forgive you and if he can move past it. you need to find out why you cheated. Put the shoe on the other foot ..could you easily forgive him for cheating on you. I can't even imagine how devasted I'd be if my husband cheated on me. Sometimes relationships can't be saved. I'm sorry for your husband.

Answer 9

Because I love my wife so much and I want for her to be plain happy with herself. I gave her permission to cheat if she feels she needs it, from somebody else. I know sex with the same partner can be super boring at times. I have no need to know, if my wife or I cheat on each other. Just don't bring it up! In discussing! I really don't want to know about it! When cheating comes in the family. I am ready to forgive her, as many times as it takes-should she tell me, one day-she cheated on me. Our extreme love for each other must continue-no matter what happens in life.

Answer 10

Why did you have one in the first place? That has to be answered to yourself before you can ask for his forgiveness. If it is no longer an issue, should be fine. If it it still an issue, then nothing has really changed, has it?