How can my husband forgive my affair?

Question

I am married for 14 years. I admit that I did the most horrible thing and want my husband to try to forgive me. I feel like my life will be over if he doesnt. I know that many of you will say that it is unforgivable, but if anybody can suggest what I can possibly do to fix my marriage, please do. It was a horrible mistake, I just did not know how to stop it. I realize that I have hurt him terribly and would like to fix it. Please help

Answer 1

The best thing you can do now is seek marriage counseling. Sometimes this type of situation will come back to haunt your for years to come. But if you are truly sorry and really want to rebuild what has been torn down, I suggest you do everything possible to make that happen. There are many issues that you both cannot or have not brought out into the open, for example, what led to your affair, because you are either afraid to admit or just cannot do it for whatever reasons. Your marriage deserves another chance. Keep reassruing your husband that you truly love him and prove to him that he is able to trust you again. He may lash out at you and remind you of what you've done. Reassure him over and over that you know you made a horibble mistake and you will do whatever it takes to make it work. Don't give up. It's worth a shot.

Answer 2

You can work to rebuild your marriage. There is NO quick fix and it will take lots of effort from both of you to start this process of recovery. Hang on, it's going to be tuff, especially in the early months. Expect that your husband will go through many ups and downs, this is a real emotional trauma to discover that your spouse has betrayed your trust.

First step was to admit you have a problem and start rebuilding trust by being honest. Ratical, compassionate honesty. Answer his questions as openly and honestly as you can without being cruel with comparisons or making excuses or blaming your spouse for your terrible choices.

Then, stop ALL contact with the other person. No continued friendship, no checking up on him, no saving old emails or gifts, NOTHING. Any backslide or deception will set back the slow process of rebuilding trust. If something happens and the other person contacts you, stop it right away and let your husband know. You cannot control the other person, but you can show your husband that there will be no further secrets.

You are the one who damaged the trust, so it will be up to you to earn that trust back. Now is not the time to be crying about personal privacy. Let your husband SEE that you are doing the right thing. Be transparent. Be open with all forms of communication, voice mail, email, etc. Be accountable for your time, let him know if anything changes. It sucks living under the microscope, but you are the only one who can rebuild this damage.

Seek a counselor certified in couples counseling.
Find a good support group, other's who have gone through this understand this better and will offer more encouragement in rebuilding the marriage. It maybe helpful for your husband also, but I've seen couples posting on the same board have problems, so it might work better if you both have a place to vent and seek help. Below are two groups, the SI board has a section for the former wayward spouse. Look for a BAN network in your area.

Marriages can survive this. The best way to do that is to directly address the problem of the affair. Sweeping it under the rug just leaves the problems to fester and grow with time.
Together, you will have to work hard to rebuild, and facing his pain and anger will be difficult. Have patience, he is healing.
Some couples report that with time, they develop a stronger marriage than before, not because of the affair, but due to the intense work to rebuild.

Answer 3

This can only be fixed if he decides that it can. After 14 years, I would hope that he would be willing to try, not so much because of how "you" are feeling, but because 14 years is a lot of time to invest in something and I would assume that it was good for it to have lasted that long. I don't know the details of why you cheated, how many times, etc, but people do often come through it after years of counseling and working together.

What you have to understand, though, is that right now it isn't about your feelings, it is about your collective feelings and whether or not he feels your relationship is worth fighting for. You also need to know that you can't make him forgive you overnight, and there is nothing that he is going to be able to say for some time to reassure you because he has his own grieving process that he needs to go through.

It might help if you took responsibility a bit more, it was a mistake, but you made it, and you can't take it back. You don't understand how you didn't stop it, but the fact is that you didn't. If you can get him to go to counseling, go as soon as you can. Find someone you both trust and do everything they tell you as far as the steps you both need to take to start the trust process over again.

The other thing the counselor will do is ask you to figure out why you cheated. This can be painful and awkward to do when I know that the thing you want most is for both of you to forget you did it, but that will be part of the process. You may learn that you weren't happy enough in your marriage and the desperation you are feeling now is just a factor of your being scared to end 14 years. Or you may both learn that there were things that were being forgotten in the marriage and you will both have to take steps to figure out how to repair those things.

No matter what, this will be a painful process, but that which does not kill you makes you stronger. It's not just a quote. Good luck to you both.

Answer 4

First of all stop having an afair if u still doing it. Second of all and most importantly. be honest with ur husband, tell him the truth, only then he can forgive u. because without honesty there won't be a life between u together. Also, if u tell him, instead of him hearing if from someone else, he will see that when u told him the truth about ur affair that u would like to repent and continue ur life together. However, even though he would not see u as the same person in the past, ur honesty to him would mean so much to him. That is if u want to redeem urself completely.

On contrary, if he is not suspicious about or won't be able to discover it later, I would suggest that u would not tell him. If u think that the truth will harm ur relationship completely.

Answer 5

If you ever talked to him about a chance of forgiving you and he has said I'll try, this is what you exactly do.

You have to work as hard as before. You have to let him know where you're going, what time you'll be expected to be back and who you are seeing or doing there.

You cannot lie to him on anything - even the smallest detail.

You cannot be caught saying things and not following through.

When you say something - or promise something - you have to follow through.

Remember, you are trying to erase your image as a cheater or a liar in his heart and his brain so can't be caught even not related to relationship.

He is not your father, not your brother nor your friend. Right now, you don't even know who he is to you and what he thinks about you. All is a leftover love and once you waste what's left - it's goodbye. It will take a lot follow through on your part - plus a lot of prove that you love him more than the other person you went out with.

Expect that he is still traumatized by cheating you have done to him so, be nice and gentle about your actions. If he always mad at you, be thankful about that because that's part of healing - just don't say anything when he is yelling and act very pathetic - and just utter "I'm sorry." You'll gain him back by not fighting back.

If he will not deny to himself - this might take up to 4 years before it could be erased in his mind.

So start serving woman.

Answer 6

All you can do is to show him by your actions how remorseful you are and how much you do love him. You need to understand when he gets angry about it or questions you about it.
You cannot 'fix' what has already occurred. But you can earn his trust back and make a new start; it will take much time and committment. If this is recent, I am sure he is not yet ready to forgive, and he won't ever forget. Please give him much attention, love and reassure him, daily at the minimum, of your love for him; that you made a huge mistake; one you can't take back; though you want to with all your heart.
It will take months for him to heal; so be understanding and supportive of his moods and outbursts; their will be many. He feels like a fool and does not trust that you won't do this again, at this point. Only your actions will show him that you have learned a great lesson.
At some point, you will need to forgive yourself your weakness, so you can also move on in your relationship. This does not have to hang over your head the rest of your life. Give it some time - some extra loving - and I hope you have learned to cherish what you have almost lost; a good man.

Answer 7

Hi Ana, First thing you must ask him to forgive you as many times as he needs to hear it. Usually the unfaithful person wants the hurt person to get over it already DONT do that! His heart is broken and maybe your marriage to save it you both have to get counseling if you don't it will spiral out of control and can lead to revenge. So do what it takes to show him this was a huge mistake and give him time to forgive you. He is in a really bad place now too many images are going through his mind and don't push sex right now, only if he wants it and if in the middle of it he freaks out just stop and say again how sorry you are and you understand he's going to be upset for awhile. Do get the counseling; don't let things get out of hand and remember this is not leaving the cap of the tooth-paste, this is heart crushing constant images how could she have done this to me type thing. And seek Godly counseling that just maybe the only glue that holds him to you at this point. I will say a prayer and be honest with yourself why you did this and avoid it like the plague. Avoid behaviors that may make him not trust for awhile. I'll say a prayer. Take Care Both of you.

Smooches


WonderWoman

Answer 8

Forgiveness......that's a big one!! In your situation, things are going to be tough, to say the least. You already know this though. Most people (as you see here) are not willing to forgive you, then again, these people are not the ones that you need forgiveness from, right?? A lot of people like to pass judgement on someone, no matter the violation and to be honest.....that's sad too. Still this is life here.
When I first started on "Yahoo Answers" it was hard for me to beleive that "Real" people were here to vent, ask questions, get answers, and in general, just make comments. As we have all seen it has become many other things as well, peop[le need other people...desperately!! And sometimes this medium brings anguish with it, as in your case. On that note, please think about what I have to say.

The person that you trully shamed, was NOT your husband, but yourself. God did not take the time to make you, to let you do this thing to yourself and indirectly to your husband and Family. Please remember that "Right is Right, and Wrong is Wrong" but the "Consequences" is what you have left.....after your decision.
You have thrown your Husbands trust in you away. You already know this, but do you still have trust in yourself, to do the "Right" thing.....if the chance arises again?? Keep in mind though, a murderer is still a killer, whether he/she is sorry or not. That murderer must still face the music for what he'she has done.........that's the Consequensis.
God is still the only one that can "Forgive" you and "Forget" the wrong you have done, as well. You will still have to face what's left, with your Husband and Family. This will NOT be easy for you and there will be many tears on your Path.
I trully hope that you will consider God's offer and find some Peace in the time to follow. Maybe if you Pray to God and ask his forgiveness and to help you, He may also touch the Heart of your Husband and Family. I hope again that you will at least think on this thing I have said. Once you have thought about it long enough, you will see better how to patch things up again.

Answer 9

Fix this sham of a marriage. I tell You I am only 19 and don't know anything about " Real Love"...but i tell you hearing about what you did is something I truly feel sorry for you. Let me tell you if you were my wife i would hate you for doing that. Thats the worst possible thing that someone that you love can do to you; tell you that she slept with some other guy or even worst another woman. The point i am trying to make here is this...your marriage is over...honestly love and being faithful always goes hand in hand...Honestly if i were him i would have gone for a long trip without you, thought it over really hard if i wanted to be with you. Then I would buy a hooker or get me a young woman and screw her and then ask myself if the 14 years of marriage was worth not having sex with another woman. I would think it hard and clearly.

What I am trying to say here is this: You cant fix it anymore, what you did has been done. When he sees your eyes, he doesn't see the same person anymore, he cant look at you the same way he looked at you when he told you he wanted to get married. He sees you for what you are and what you have done, and for what you have become.

He cant look at you the same way...its over.

Answer 10

My husband and I agrees on one thing about cheating. If one of us is going to cheat, we'd better make sure that we are willing to spend the rest of our lives with the person we are cheating with.

I am sorry to say this BUT men rarely forgive their wives for having an affair. Unfair as it can be, men find it harder to forgive women because of their ego and pride. And for both men and women, when they are cheated on, they feel like they are never enough and could never be enough.

No matter how much you regret it, the damage is already done. This may hurt but you should have thought first if this affair is worth losing your marriage and your husband.

Trust is the easiest thing to lose but the hardest to gain. And once you lose trust in a person, most of the time you don't get it back.

You have 2 choices:
1. Get divorced OR
2. Stay with him AND prove to him your sorry. However, proving to him your sorry may take a lifetime...

And the fact that you cheated on your husband makes him lose his respect on you and look down on you which may lead to frequent arguments and fights.