My husband helps the church but not his own children?

Question

He devotes most of his free time to helping out with the church's youth group, but won't do anything with his own teenage son. Never has done anything with any of his children. I think it is because he gets lots of attention there and has no responsibility for them outside of church.

Any advice? I've talked and talked to him. He has invited his son to go: to church and fishing and has been turned down.

I have been working on their relationship for the past year. Hubby just "isn't into kids" he has said. Son says he hates his dad. Is usually punished for missing church. Does not want to be involved in youth group any more.

Answer 1

you are spot on. but why does your husband have this separate life from you and your children? why have you !!! been so passive about this? why havent you gone the extra mile to find things you can do as a family. i think you are a big part of the problem. it is not only your son and other children your husband is avoiding, it sounds like in capital letters he is avoiding you too, because the young teens in church look up to him and at home he is just joe ordinary. he is using the church as literally 'the other woman'.

you desperately need to read a book by stephen covey called the 7 habits of highly effective families. get it and read it now.

i will tell you this, lady, i personally think it is outrageous of you to write and complain that your husband has never wanted anything to do with his own kids, to the point of mr. religious hero punishing his own son ( i am going to throw up) for not going to church, but, he himself is other teens bestest friend at church. and you are 'working on it'

i wonder if i will be the only person answering this who is going to tell you straight up that your passive going along is what is both driving your husband away and causing your son to be very confused by his dads literal abandonment.

here are some constructive things you can do right now., tell your husband you and he and son and son can take a friend, you all are going on a short family trip. you are going to go somewhere like disney or a bahamas cruise, where son and friend can have their space but still be with you. you are going to book this now, without delay. no excuses, you are going to have a nightly or weekly family night where you talk and play checkers or yatzee. your husband is going to get the baddest tickets he can afford for something like a football or baseball game that your son would be interested in and they are going to go together. YOU TELL YOUR HUSBAND this is not negotiable. and no more freaking punishing your son for being a normal kid. if i was your son i would hate your husband too.



between you and me, if this is not a made up joke question, i would seriously ask myself as a wife why i would stand for my husband spending his 'free time' with young teens, when he spends no time with his own family. read this a million times until you GET what i am really saying......

you have your work cut out for you, you have been sitting around while the world goes by and every now and then you decide to 'work on it'. get to work. i would not stand one single minute for this. my son played elite sports in high school and it required a serious commitment of time from my husband and me when my son was a teen. every parent in the entire school was aware of men like him ( weirdly still involved in high school sports but they have their own teens at home they never do anything with year after year) and no one is fooled. no one !!!! has any respect for men like him and they pity and look askance on thier families. if my husband had told me he the team needed him every year to be there even if he had no kid in the sport i would have told him, come home, you are delusional!!!! i would have said no way!!
only because you have written that he spends no family time with his family am i answering like this, if you said he was involved with his son at the church and the son rejected his dads good works that would be different. but from what you wrote that is not the long time pattern here, and that is what i am addressing.,

: men who spend all their time with teens while they ignore their own teens need to stop spending all their time with other teens until their own teens are well out of college. if you need me to, i can be even blunter.

Answer 2

I'm a big fan of Dr Phil. And he refers to negotiating with people by using their "currency".

What really matters to your husband? The church? Helping to save others? Feeling important? The attention? Being a leader?

Try to figure out why he is attracted to the church's group.
Could it be that he feels unappreciated by his own children? Because they dont treat him with the same respect? Or they are just not interested in his advice?

Try to negotiate with him by using his currency.

To move forward, you need to take action as well.
Nothing stops you from taking the lead and organising a weekend away with your husband and son. This way you may be helping him - by taking on some of the leadership and responsibility.

Answer 3

Your husband helps with the church youth group and your son is a teenager. Is your son not in the church youth group?

Anyway...it does sound like his priorities are reversed.

Answer 4

If he's invited his son to go to the church and fishing and the son turned him down, then you are complaining about the wrong person. Son should get over his sulk and go fishing with the church group if necessary - to be with his father. He needs to realize that. He's too young to know it.

Answer 5

First and for most PRAY. Next get them both in the same room and have them discuss the difficulties they are having in the relationship. You even may want to talk to the pastor of the church and have him talk to the father and son.

Answer 6

It would depend I think, on the relationship you have with the Pastor of that church, but I might consider speaking with the Pastor of the church...asking him to talk to your husband, without letting on that you'd spoken to him. A man sometimes considers his wife a nag, but if a another guy says the same thing, he might want to listen. Sounds like you need to keep praying as well.

Answer 7

Hasn't he ever heard that charity starts at home, This is not going to do his soul any good at all, ask him what he thinks, God would say, Does the children take advantage? Do they make every effort to help them selves before asking? Is this a matter of tough love? If what you say is true, I think you and your children need to go to the pastor of the church and confront your husband. With the help of the clergy.

Answer 8

most teenagers don't want to hang around their parents.You said your husband invited his son to go to church and fishing,but the son turned him down.All I can suggest is the husband keep trying to do things with his son.You should be proud that your husband is so involved with the youth group at church.More people need to be involved.

Answer 9

Are you sure it is not something else?? Sounds weird that he is so into his church and a man of god should put his family before other peoples kids. I would be checking it out and maybe looking at other options for you and the kids.

Answer 10

Sit him down and explain how you and the children need also. It's good he is helping the church but his family comes first