motives of my ex?

Question

my ex wants to come over tomorrow to iron out some issues we have with the kids. she also said she wants to get some things off her chest and wants me to listen and keep quiet,then i get a turn. our talks always turn into arguments and she gets very angry she states she wants to keep it to the kids BUT,wants to say some things,then gets angry and brings up stuff from the past,she just recently got remarried,and claims how happy she is,but i get nothing but anger from her,she has no insurance and i"m going to try and steer her towards psychiatric help and pay for it if she will agree.She has a long history of opiate use (pills) and is currently on a maintenace drug suboxone. How do i handle this and do you think she has a hidden agenda? Why so much anger especially when she says i don't seem happy and there is so much out there! thanks

Answer 1

She is coming over to make sure you are unhappy, and if some how she finds you happy then she will make you very unhappy. I wouldn't let her come by period. For you to tell her she should get some help, well it's probably better you don't. That will certainly piss her off.

Answer 2

She is your ex and remarried right? Why would you care what she actually thinks about you or the way that you feel? That being said, if she feels the need to "iron some things out" then let her spew while you just sit there quiet and in complete control. When she is done simply tell her that you are glad that she got it off of her chest but there is nothing that you wish to ad. Then let it go at that. This way, no matter what her agenda is, it is blocked. Keep in mind that her reasoning for having this talk may very well be to get you upset enough for an argument. If you stay in control of your emotion and with a complete lack of things to interject then what has she to gain? She is her new husbands problem now. Let him deal with her. As far as the children are concerned, if you and your children are happy with the way things are, then don't change them.

Answer 3

I wouldn't call it a hidden agenda, but more of an insecurity - she has unresolved issues when it comes to the end of your marriage, and it is affecting her marriage now. She thinks that by asking you questions she will get closure, but all it does is create more questions.

It isn't your place to suggest counseling, especially if you two have a stormy relationship...it is just going to cause more tension. Don't know what your relationship is with her new husband, but he, out of anyone, is the person to discuss that with her.

I 100% agree that from this point forward, all communication be done by e-mail. There is no reason for you to go over there to talk, or you to her home. Your relationship with her is over, other than being parents - there is nothing left to discuss if it doesn't relate to parenting.

Answer 4

She sounds like someone who is very hurt. Even though she is with someone else and says she is very happy, she still has some un-resolved issues, she feels she needs to deal with. It doesn't sound like she has totally gotten over you, if she is still thinking about stuff that concerned oyu and still feels the need to talk about it. You realize that things always turn into anger so maybe you can try to work on that this time. If you're strong enough to just listen and not get mad. Let her say what she needs to say and get mad if she needs to. When we have been through something as hard as ending a relationship with someone we really loved, we feel the need to talk about things and yes get mad about it while we're doing it. Just give her the time she wants to talk and let her get angry, maybe it will do both of oyu some good to talk about things. Goodluck.

Answer 5

Well, from my Opiate knowledge, which is first hand and intensive...Being on pills can give you a bad attitude, and short on patience. I would suggest that you ask her to put down everything she wants to say to you in an email. This way she can get out everything she wants to say, and so can you without the worry of getting into another argument. Good Luck.

Answer 6

Other than the kids you two are divorced and there is nothing to argue about. Don't let her draw you into one, it's her way of convincing herself you still care. Let her have her say, let her complain, yell, whatever she feels necessary and when she gets all done just ask her if she feels better. If she asks if you have anything you want to say just tell her, the marriage is over there isn't anything more to say about it. No argument. It takes two for there to be an argument.

Answer 7

I agree with the taking the e-mail route. If she INSISTS on seeing you, go to a public place where she can't make a scene.

You might also ask if she bring along her new husband so that you can meet him and so that the 3 of you are all on the same page with it comes to your kids. With the new husband, she might be less likely to bring up crap from the past.

Answer 8

I would tell her that she can come and talk to you, but if it turns to anger and yelling then you are going to ask to to leave immediately as it is not good for anyone - especially the kids. If she can't agree to that, then I wouldn't let her even begin. You're agreeing to pay for her to get help is extremely generous. If you want to and can afford to then go for it.

Answer 9

I dont think i would trust her......

As someone else said why cant she email you the issues then you have it doctumented.

I dont think id be comfortable with her coming to my home if you have too, meet her in a nuteral enviroment with people around, if there is a scene you would have others to view what happened.

Her anger and bringing up the past is that she hasnt got past it yet..

Answer 10

If she wants to discuss the children, tell her to email you with her concerns and you'll read it very thoroughly.

That's how I have resorted to dealing with my ex so that every thing is documented and I don't have to deal with his "insane" attitudes. He doesn't like dealing with it that way, but I don't care. I didn't like being upset by him yelling at me and I put up with that for four years.

Make some boundaries and don't let her overstep them. If you could get her some help, your kids would appreciate it even though it's not really your job anymore.