I have been with a guy for 21 years. He is possessive, controlling and demanding. I loved him when we first met and started going out. I still do love him by not like I used to. He moved back in with me a second time. He still likes to take control, and demand things. And calls me names every so often. Sometimes he accuses me of being with someone else if we don't have sex. He doesn't like my kids (whom he helped raise since they were two and three). If I send my kids text messages from his computer I have to erase them because he has a problem with that. He finds out I send messages and erases them and accuses me of plotting something. He has been staying with me since January of 2000 and I paid all the bills. Since 2005 I have not worked and he has been paying all the bills. I had quit school, to try and find a job, and I was 4 classes short of graduating. He threatens to leave, then ends up staying. I only deal with this because I have no job and no money. What should I do?
2007-08-29 09:53:54 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Finish school and then get the heck out.
2007-09-06 09:13:03 · answer #1 · answered by Laura Z 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hon, you long ago made a choice to stay with a controlling man, probably because you had children. That you went back to school this man found very threatening, because it meant that you were going to take control of your life, and that he was going to make sure, you weren't going to do. Long ago, you bought into his controlling personality. If you had been my mom's daughter, this is what she would have hammered into your head beginning when you were 13. If you had been my sister, this is what you would have heard:
1. The most important decision you will ever make is who you marry (in your case, who is your sig. other) Choose with your head as well as your heart.
2. Have no more children than you yourself can support... you may just have to.
3. At any and all costs, finish your education. You will work sometime during your marriage.... marriage is not a lifelong meal ticket. Get paid for it. You kids and your education are forever... husbands, lovers and promises are not.
4. Have a stash of cash no one knows about even if you know you will never need it... you will, absolutely, and the more the better.
You need to get back into school, hon, finish that degree, get a job, and start on your IRA.... education is the key out of poverty, and out of dependency. You are undoubtedly in your mid to late 40's. If you're smart, you have 20 great years to work, save, and create a retirement plan. See where you can slide into these little rules my mama gave me, and get your life back on track. You, hon, need to start worrying about you... and you need to fight for that right to go finish your degree. Write if you need some encouragement.
2007-08-29 17:11:25 · answer #2 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all I don't care how much this man means to you your kids come first and when he treatens to leave let his sorry *** go. You need to wake up and move on. I don't know what you want people to say but if you can handle all this on your own what is he around for. A man can only do what you let him do. I do understand you are not working but I left with nothing and a 10 month old baby because he did not want me to work.
My first husband was not abusive but very controlling and would not even want me talking to females let alone males. So when he went to work I left because I would threaten to leave and he would suck me in and I stayed because we had a daughter. But I had to realize that is not the relationship I wanted her to see as normal because it wasn't.
And what is funny he is staying with you go out get a job even if it is in burger king or mcdonalds and do for you remember he only does what you will let him do if you let him walk over you he will.
2007-09-04 12:38:16 · answer #3 · answered by My Three 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lord, my heart goes out to you. After 21 years of mental abuse you are still with someone who doesn't respect you or your family. Your life will never be different or better if you allow this person to dominate you. Get a job, move, and then go back to school. I bet the whole process would take about a year. Nothing in the scheme of things. Take charge sister.
2007-08-29 17:02:18 · answer #4 · answered by Lizbiz 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry but it sounds like he is a real jerk. I had one of those in my life a time or two. You have to decide that you are more important and that you deserve more out of life. I don't know where you live but I know that there are places that you can go but you have to want to get out of this.
You need to take a moment and go to God and ask him to help you through this, If he hasn't changed for the good in all these years he probably won't. So you might just need to pack a bag and go. Your kids need you to be a strong person that they can look up to. You are worth more than being his doormat.
2007-09-06 16:36:59 · answer #5 · answered by Brown eyed girl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i agree, you definitely deserve better than this. in my opinion, get rid of him. if he hurts you, tell someone. verbal abuse hurts more than physical.
research your options. if you need money right away, take out a loan. go back to college for your 4 classes, and anything else you need/want. have a part time job. if you are unable to go back to college right away, work full time and save up the money, and work on getting a loan. apply for scholarships. every year, tons of scholarship money goes unclaimed. for a job, find one with maximum pay and the best benefits. ask your family if they'll help you out... watch your children while you're at school/work/etc. seek professional help when it comes to your money and the best way to manage it. Join a support group for emotional help. you should NEVER feel guilty of communicating with your children, or guilty of not having sex. you should never be treated like that. you deservemuch better. everyone does.
2007-08-29 17:10:07 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
My heart goes out to you. Dr. Phil would say to take your kids and leave, even if it's to the street, or a shelter. He says it's the cowards fault, as much as the bully's fault for the treatment they get. That just makes me think he's been a bully and feels a need to justify it in some way.
But if he's right, then it's time for you to step up and take a gigantic risk. Whether you leave or give him the boot is up to you, of course. It's something to think about though.
2007-09-06 17:02:32 · answer #7 · answered by Jann 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ive been in a simular relationship and it just gets worse! Your best bet is too leave and never look back. You need to find someone to do the same for you when you are in need. Why stick around any longer? You wil meet someone that is on your level if you want to. My advice is too leave and never look back. Thats what i did and i dont have any regrets! Hope you do whats right for you and your children. Good Luck
2007-08-29 17:06:54 · answer #8 · answered by pammysena 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Put on your thinking cap, and do something else. Of course you're already doing that. Since it's not going to get any better, you need a plan. Hope you can get out of this one without too much pain. Possesive guys are insecure.
2007-09-05 13:29:13 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try and find a job sweetie.... You dont deserve the abuse.... Its killing you... But after 21 years I thinki you have made your bed and its hard to get away... I trully do wish you the best... Grant M from Pennsylvania
2007-09-06 05:54:10 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get a job and get out. Then put as much distance between you and this jerk as possible. If you stay with him or take him back you have only yourself to blame.
2007-09-06 11:17:40 · answer #11 · answered by JD 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋