How do I ask my wife to take a lover?

Question

I have been impotent for the past year. Been seeing a doctor and tried all meds but still no luck. I have tried all "other means" to sexually satisfy her but she wants actual penetration. Don't get us wrong, she is actually a real compassionate person and is heartbroken we have this problem but the marriage is starting to erode. We argue more often. She is mid-forties and still has a strong desire. I want her to be happy so I am considering allowing her to take a lover. I know it's risky but what have I got to lose at this point. How would a counsellor help in this situation?

Answer 1

there is always the toy possibility... and as a woman, I have no problem with toys, especially when it is my man that is there with me. I would not, EVER do what you are suggesting your wife doing, regardless of the situation. but, that is me. the only way you will find out what she thinks, is to talk to her. my significant other and I went thru the same thing a few years ago, and since, he's been able to get thru his problem,and is fine now. I know that when that problem was there, we had similar relationship issues too, fighting, coldness... but most of it was from him... he felt guilty and like he wasn't 'up to snuff'... once he knew how I felt, we were able to get thru it.

If you ask your wife to take a lover, (if she's like most women out there) she will say no, she didn't marry you to be with another man. She married you because she loves you. If you ask her to be with another man, she may take offense to it, like you're asking her to cheat on you. I know if it were me, it would break my heart.

Good luck, honey... tough situation... hope it works out.

Answer 2

You could buy one of those specially made strap ons for men that allow you to place your penis into a half solid/half hollow latex replica and go to town that way. Explore all of your options before you go directly for the "lover" scenario. Sex toys can do AMAZING things and can give her the penetration she so desires.

I don't think you need to seek professional help in this matter because this is a decision solely made by the two of you. I can understand you wanting her to be satisfied and she'll probably have a ton of questions for you. Like, do you want to meet him, have him be a live in lover, or something you are aware of but aren't involved in....

It's never an easy situation to discuss. If you are loving and compassionate towards each other and she sees that you are trying to take care of her regardless of your actual ability to do so, she might be open to the idea.

I suggest asking her after an intense session between the two of you that results in her frustration over no penetration.

Answer 3

Wow, I wish I could give you a big hug. Please, PLEASE do not listen to people on here tell you that you are being immoral or asking for trouble. You have obviously done all you can, you two obviously love each other, and you care enough about your wife to make sure her needs are met. My best advice is to sit down and tell her this very plainly. Tell her that you want her to be able to enjoy real sex, with something that doesn’t require batteries. Tell her you realize the strain that physical frustration is having on the other parts of your relationship, and because you value your relationship with her, you realize that this is a big deal and you make the suggestion of a sexual partner.

There are MANY other people out there in this situation, you are not alone. As you have said, the lack of sexual fulfillment is wearing on your marriage, is it not? If the two of you have an otherwise strong relationship, there is no reason that this can’t be worked out. As I see it, you DON’T have anything to lose by making the offer. There is the likelihood that she is going to go out seeking fulfillment behind your back, and that would be wrong because it is deceitful. I believe it is better to give her the permission.

For everyone suggesting strap-ons, I understand what you are saying but come on, nothing beats skin.

Answer 4

No offence... but I think that you are past the counsellor part. My first question is.... are you haveing issues becaues of a medical problem, or is this just stress? If it's medical and you have tried all else (as you have stated) thenI think it is foolish AND noble of you to make that offer to your wife. I would make the offer in a way that maybe you can be there and take some kind of part in it. Or better yet, and I'm not trying to get to grafic....but they make things that would allow you to penatrate her.... and that may be odd for you to use, but it keeps her from going else where. I know that I as a women wouldn't want to feel like my husband was "turning me out" but maybe she will accept it if were to take part. Also as you stated, there are things that YOU can do it's just that she craves more..... And who knows you might like it. Who knows, she might not even take you up on it, but might be grateful to see that you don't just care about your needs. I wish you both lots of luck.

Answer 5

Straight scoop my friend........Don't mix another in your problem. Find a solution to satisfying your wife. Oral stimulation leading to orgasm is your best route right now. Look at other options if medication fails. The pump as suggested before is an alternative, but it may be stress related. Have you tried outside stimulation? Porno movies? Talking with your wife? The reason I ask these things is because it worked for me. I didn't have to resort to the pump. My significant other started talking dirty and doing some "VERY" different things, like mutual masturbation and acting very provocative. She turned into another woman over night. Worked and worked well.

Answer 6

Do not take this litely. I understand why you are asking and it really takes a bold man to make such a suggestion but there are lots of ways to get hurt on this subject. A counsellor, I dont know never been to one .. I guess if they are open minded and truly want to help they may help be a good mediator for getting the ground rules started. But there need to be rules! its going to take some time before this should even happen. You are going to need to talk about what is and is not allowed times, places, involvement, frequency, ect. These are questions that need to be answered first and is going to take strong communication and listening skills. My wife and I have always made it a point a set these ground rules before we have the lovely threesome and trust me it helps .. You also need to find out what you are ok with as far as .. watching .. getting details.. listening .. ect. trust me may not sound important but are cause say you watch this guy do this to your wife and later on you get your groove back now you are constantly competing with him in your mind ruining your sex life from then on .. so choose wisely and start slow .example let her kiss a guy in front of you and see how that feels ect. It is going to take large amounts of trust for this work .. cause now you will wonder how often she is going to him .. and are they starting to fall for eachother... thats the other reason rules are important .. how do you keep emotions asside from just sex we are human and feelings tend to grow so rules on how to keep that from happening are important .. anyway hope that this all helps ..

Answer 7

A counselor could help in this situation by talking you out of this crazy idea! Your marriage is not over yet, but this idea would definitely end it. If your wife is not happy with you, she will ask for a divorce or whatever. You need to talk to her, and find out what she wants. She may just be happy with a toy or something...don't assume she wants (or needs) another man!

Answer 8

I think a toy is a better option. I mean, what if she falls in love with this "lover". You will be heartbroken. Plus if she is as good of a woman as you say she is, then she wouldn't agree to it anyway. Good luck with your marriage tho, I wish you the best!

Answer 9

Have you tried the strap on yet? She obviously doesn't just need a toy for the penetration, she needs to be held and caressed as well.
Other than that, if you're sure you can handle it...just tell her if she chooses to have a lover you wouldn't consider it cheating on you, under the circumstances you just want her to be happy in that respect. No pressure on her....you just wanted her to know if the opportunity should present itself and she decided to act on it, you would understand.

Answer 10

Come on! Have you tried sex toys? You don't ask your wife to become satisfied by another just because you can't actually penetrate. Experiment, shower her with your love, stop arguing and talk about this. You are not alone and I bet a sex therapist would do you a world of good.