Is watching porn a form of cheating?

Question

I came home last night to find my companion masturbating to pornography! We have been together (exclusively) for 7 years now, and this is the FIRST time this has ever happened (that I know about).
What strikes a nerve the most is the fact that he denied it. I tend to believe him blindly, but as I was online I stumbled across some disturbing websites.
He denied it, leading me to believe he KNOWS he was doing something wrong and while doing it he KNEW I would be hurt/upset by finding out, since he lied, lied, and lied by trying to hide it.
We suffer from a healthy sex life from the beginning, you see I want to make love just about ALL the time, and he for some reason can conform himself with once a month. In fact asking him for sex, or trying to get him aroused is a task in itself (he'd rather sleep). It would be easier and faster to wait for rain in the middle of a drought.
My friends say "Cheating is doing something u suspect or know would make ur partner uncomfortable."
???

I began thinking back, and recalled a whole bunch of times where I found a dirty magazine, or unbelievable amount of junk mail with sexual context (which most people can't help but receive) even a few times where 1 of my computers had pornographic pop-ups all of the sudden and when I took it in for repair the repair man told me about too much porn on it, but faithfully all I would do was ask him, and all he had to do was tell me someone was trying to play a prank on him, and swore it was not his or he did not do it, it was someone else, etc. and I would blindly believe him. I feel foolish now, when I think about how many times he must have lied to me and I stupidly believed him.
I feel deceived, lied to for over 7 years. Some people classify this as "mental infidelity" and I am swaying towards that. I can't help but feel as less of a woman, I feel as though maybe I failed somehow, maybe he just is not attracted to me. Maybe I am not his type of woman. I wonder where I went wrong...

I can't help but feel deceived and incredibly hurt. All he can say is he is sorry, sadly a song I have heard one too many times.
I find that I am hurt primarily because he LIED, a "technique" I have ZERO tolerance for. After 7 years, (anniversary for 8 was coming up in 2 weeks!) I can't help but feel as though my life has been wasted on him. I love him, but truly believe our relationship has been based on lies and deception... Some experts believe it is o.k. to watch pornography WITH (and ONLY WITH) your partner, as long as BOTH parties have consented, and are present, but to do it alone, is a form of perversion, and can lead to addiction, especially when resorting to it, when you have the real thing.
Quite honestly I don't know what to think. I feel as though a part of me has died, I feel like I have lost all trust in him, and wonder since he could lie about things like this, and continue lying even when confronted with evidence, and only then try and be honest ....

(not even too honest, he was only letting on what he THOUGHT I knew. Like telling me it opened accidentally, then when I told him I saw over 30 pages that he visited, and apparently got so desperate he even went through search engines, taking "free tours" looking for videos, etc.)
I am highly spiritual and I suppose that may close me off to things like this, but I truly believe what he has done is wrong, he is NOT sorry, and the way he has made me feel is unacceptable.
I realize it is only human to appreciate beauty, like a pretty girl walking on the street, but to actually take your time, knowing I would be gone and "sneaking" around doing it, and resorting to lies, even when you know you have gotten caught... .

He will rarely touch me, I have to persist and come up with new ways to actually succeed in getting sexual contact, ( I know it sounds funny, and sad at the same time, but it seems as though 9 out of 10 times I find myself trying to conform to the thought of not getting any) and instead of "boinking" me I find him masturbating (or trying to) to other women!?!?!?!?! Argh! The more I think about it the worse I feel. He has made me feel unwanted, unattractive, not sexy...
I get it! Women are beautiful, we are, but the fact that he resorted to lying, persistent lying I might add, and going behind my back... ah, something about that really gets me.

Also gets me, is the fact that if he wants 2 masturbate, fine, but 2 do it, w/o satisfying my needs or OUR needs as a couple,no matter what time of day, or what I slip into. I realize he has ALWAYS had a LOW sex drive, & I have learned 2 accept this, but then shouldn't he share the little sex drive he has w/ ME? Otherwise why even b 2gether, I'm not overweight, I stay healthy and keep fit, I'm pretty open minded especially when it comes 2 the bedroom, & I welcome most positions, & even enjoy thinking of new ways to spice it up, although I am against bringing porno into the bedroom, since I barely get it now, and the last thing I want is for him to get an erection "with" another woman and just use me as a "hole" or better alternative than his hand. I think I am gorgeous & have been told so, this is just really mind boggling. I left him, while I think, I decided to take some time off, call it a "break" from each other, where he is completely free to watch all the porn he wants.

Answer 1

I think that it really depends on the guidelines you've set up for your relationship. In your relationship is hugging a person other than each other cheating? No? How about kissing? The point being, if you haven't sat down and talked with your partner about these sorts of things, it is hard to judge. For some, watching pornography will totally be ok, for others, definitely not. It is up to the two of you to decide where you fall on that continuum, together.

You mention your partner's general disinterest in sex. This seems to be a natural time to discuss what he is getting out of masturbating to porn and see if you can't figure out a way to incorporate whatever it is into your sex life. However, it is easy to have these sorts of conversations come out confrontational rather than understanding. I definitely do not feel you should have it anywhere near the same time you discuss whether porn is cheatnig; they are two different issues and should be kept that way (in my opinion).

Communicating about sex and our sex lives is very difficult and can be fraut with uncertainty and doubt. However, they are also critical to a healthy working sex life. Something to think about... maybe your partner simply didn't know how to talk to you about watching porn.

Answer 2

2

Answer 3

How could he deny it if you caught him at it as you claim. Did you walk in and see him wanking it to porn? If so, big deal. Men have a need to "take matters into their own hands" so to speak. Sometimes they just want to get off without all the emotions involved in sex with their partner. He lied to you about the porn on the computer because he knew you would over-react about it. In my opinion, it's not cheating if there is no physical contact. Now if you came home and found him whacking off in front of a live woman, that's a different story. Porn does not even closely resemble real life, and he knows that he would never touch one of those girls. For guys, masturbation is like breathing...they have to do it. And if they need a little help, ie: porn, what's the big deal? Lighten up, maybe watch it with him....you may be shocked at the feelings that it awakens in you. I love watching porn with my fiance. It spices things up.

Answer 4

It's just visual stimulation, unless it's physical...it's not cheating.

Put it this way: Would you rather have caught him doing something physically with another female. OR would you rather have caught him giving himself "pleasure" and watching a silly video???

Think about it.

I would rather walk in on what you saw, then my guy doing stuff with an actual person...wouldn't you?
Just because he watches that stuff, doesn't mean he's not interested in you or what you have to offer him in the bedroom. So don't take it the wrong way.
Why not make this something good and go to a sex shop store, and pick out some cute outfits or something, and plan on a good night for the both of you, and make him remember why he's with you.
*Guys like the assertive types, take it from the videos he's watching, because while he might not be able to tell you what he's wanting...those videos can.

.It's nothing against you personally.
.That's just the way guys brains are wired...you have to get into the psychological reasoning behind it to understand the difference between them and us.

Answer 5

It's not unfaithfulness in the technical sense, but it is still an offense. There's such a societal double-standard about it, but the fact is that unless he's talked about it upfront with you and it's something that you do together (which I don't advocate), that he is trying to hide it from you because he knows it would hurt you.

It's not as simple as "Please stop for me" either. Pornography is highly addictive and in many cases people that look at a lot of porn eventually have trouble being aroused in normal situations. The term is "porn creep." Whatever, the fact that he doesn't want to hurt you says that he probably really does love you.

It's complicated. You should talk with him about it, as uncomfortable as that may be. Does he really want to give it up or is it something he enjoys too much? May I suggest putting parental controls on the computer or there are even programs that send a list of whatever sites are visited to a third party that you choose.

That's assuming he wants to do this for you. But be encouraged by the fact that he seems to care about your feelings. If you get through this, it could really help your intimacy and sex life in the long run.

Answer 6

Is it cheating? Well the act of masturbation and porn in and of itself is not really cheating in my opinion, but he is cheating the relationship you have by with holding sex for such long periods of time. It sounds like YOUR sex life may be healthy but HIS desire only comes once a month. This creates a serious situation where one partner may not feel desired (you). The situation is reversed in my life, as my wife is fine with sex once a month or so. I would perform every day if given the chance. This is NOT healthy. She is fine with the situation, I am not. While I have not resorted to cheating, the thought has crossed my mind.
The reason he lied is because he is embarrassed he got caught in the act. Think how you would feel if he caught you playing solo.
As for the Internet porn, maybe he is addicted to it. This often leads to individuals who would rather self abuse to the computer screen and indulge in 'online relationships' that by their nature can not have real intimacy than make love to their hot significant other who is lying awake in bed 50 feet away. If you love him, don't give up but you may need counseling to solve the problem.

Answer 7

Sounds like he'd rather get off than have sex with you. That is disturbing. Yes, it DEFINITELY is a form of cheating. I hate to ask this and make you feel uncomfortable about yourself but are you perhaps overweight? Not so attractive? There is something going on that he'd rather do himself than do you for lack of better words! You need to find out what his deal is. Without his honesty, your relationship is in trouble. Without a doubt, his lack of honesty is his problem. Lying to anyone, especially your partner is wrong. Seeing how you have undeniable evidence his unwillingness to come clean is that much more disturbing. You need to confront this problem head on no matter how hurtful it will be. You need answers and he needs to quit the porn, masturbating, and all of the lies. I wish you the best.

Answer 8

Whether you take it as cheating or not is not the point. The point is that he obviously does not find it sufficient in itself having just you to satisfy his urges. Sex is like other senses and urges in a human being - just like hunger and thirst. People have killed for food and so have they for sex and for power etc. Therefore I think if you consider yourself having the same type of meal day in and day out - you want a change - eat western for a few days and try Chinese food once in a while. Natural. Save that when it comes to sex, because it is supposed to be an intimate thing, most people would not talk about their persoanl feelings not even between spouses and close relationships. There will always be that urge to try out new things or feel that the partner you have in front of you gets a bit stale. Tha tis natural. Problem is how to overcome that sort of urges. Some can and others cannot. Cheating ? well, that may well be so, but in doing what he did, he reacted to his urges for change. Forgive him - sure but do watch out for it may progress further than you will want to imagine.

Answer 9

Finding a man that doesn't view porn is like finding a nun without a rosary. It's just never going to happen. I think cheating is anything done with a real life woman. Kissing, excessive flirting, sex, meeting secretly, etc. That's what I consider cheating. You could have the best sex life ever and guys still like to look at porn. It has nothing to do with you. It's all a fantasy thing. Men just like to picture themselves with fictitious women. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Just guys are pigs. What can I say lol.

Answer 10

It's not a form of cheating, but if your uncomfortable with it tell him to not do that stuff in front of you, but he doesn't, which already is a plus. DON'T WORRY!!! People can only cheat if it's going out with another woman. He's FINE doing that!!