Feeling guilty for wanting to leave my bipolar spouse after 20 years?

Question

I have married my wife 20 years this December. Looking back she the more than likely was developing the diese then.
5 years later things started getting worse, and have continued to get worse to present. She was finnally dianosed 5 years ago as being Bipolor. Meds seem to help at times, but then we are back to the mania and depression. Se hasn't worked on over 6 years. I have taken a second full time job to make ends meet. When the depression hits there is no cooking, cleaning, much less conversation. Sex is just a memory, although, (Yes ladies i am man) I think that to be a very important aspect of marrige.The mania manifest itself as anger, not usually at me, but at anything or anyone she seems to be fixated on at the time. We went though a round not long ago and It finnally hit me, that this is going to be the rest of my life. I am not going to leave her cold, I still love her to much for that. We have to get her on disability income and insurance. To be continued......

The house is paid for so she can have that and most of what is in the banking accounts. I still love her but don't think I can go though much more of this. My own mental health is starting to fail.

Answer 1

I am so sorry. I wish there were a way to fix this disease.

Answer 2

don't feel guilty. Bi polar is very hard for anyone to live with. Including the person suffering from it. Also, her condition can be monitored and controlled if she is on the right meds. Maybe the two of you need to go to the doc together so you can tell the doctor what is really going on. Like most women I am sure she tells the doc she is fine and leaves out important details that need addressed. Those with bi polar really do not see what others see and deal with. To them they are just having a bad day and need rest. Weather you stay or go your wife needs her issues dealt with the right way. Someone needs to go with her to the doc to make sure they know everything she is doing so they can treat her appropriately.

Answer 3

It sounds like you have done all you can to be a supportive spouse. You seem to have tried all the common treatment methods for bipolar disorder, and I assume she visits a therapist regularly, yet she is still so affected by the disorder that she can't contribute to the running of the household. Furthermore, her mania and depression affect your potential for happiness and fulfillment in your life. To me these are all legitimate reasons to end a marriage. You have tried for two decades to help the woman you love, to no avail, but you are hurting your own mental health by staying in this situation. I only pray there are no children involved, because it doesn't sound like your wife would have been a very competent parent. I just worry that if you left her, she would do something drastic like commit suicide during one of her depression episodes, or come after you with a weaon during her mania phase. If she is that hard to manage, she may very well need round-the-clock treatment in a mental health facility. Have you checked into that? Don't feel guilty- you've given it all you've got, but don't ruin your life just because you'd feel bad leaving her.

Answer 4

First - her psychiatrist should be experimenting with different meds to find a cocktail that works - and as her spouse/support you need to do everything you can to keep her taking it.

If her doctor has not been doing this, find another doctor, clearly this one isn't helping. Go with your wife and get permission from her to discuss these things with you as far as mediation only goes, not private sessions, because this is a medical issue. (recognized by the AMA as such)

Being BiPolar myself, and having my cocktail adjusted numerous times before finding a balance (and still tweaking it if there is a change in my general life style or stress levels), my husband does indeed sometimes has to guilt me into staying on them.

It's hell knowing you have to take drugs the rest of your life just to operate "normally" in the eyes of the world. It often comes down to "If you love me you will do this, for both of us". And he's right, it is for both of us, because I love him and I want there to BE an us.

The greatest fear I have in my entire life is the nightmare that someday the man I love more than life itself will say "I can't do this anymore" and will leave me, because I am not normal. I don't know what I would do if that happens. It's likely that you are often her only lifeline. I suggest you follow the above and also insist on marriage counselling in addition to her private counselling. When someone is depressed you HAVE to take the reins, they are often unable to act on their own but may follow you if you lead.

If she is this depressed and will not voluntarily see a psychiatrist, with or without you, you may need to have her hospitalized where they will work with medication until it helps. Been there, done that.

BTW - a general practitioner is NOT who she should be seeing, they do not specialize in this and therefore are not qualified to be prescribing for it (mine thought he knew what to do and actually gave me the wrong drugs and it made the whole thing WORSE. His intentions were good, but he was not trained to evaluate me). Do not settle for anything less than a full psychiatrist.

Answer 5

I know where you are at my friend, I am married to a bi-polar woman and have the same ups and downs you have. I just do not ever see myself leaving her because she is bi-polar. Unlike you, I am frequently the target during the mania, and according to her, I am the source of all her problems when she is in a depressive state. Her medications really seem to be helping and this happens much less frequently now, but we still go through it. I just have to know in my heart, that is not how she really feels or what she really thinks, because it is the bi-polar disorder causing it.

Answer 6

I don't think leaving her is the answer~ But maybe counseling~ I know it is hard I myself am bipolar although I love sex lol~ Sometimes you just need to hug her when she is having an episode just hug her hold her and reassure her that everything will be ok. DO you still love her? If you do don't leave it sounds like you love her. Problems will come. Remember you said for better or worse when you married her. Just keep that in mind. Talk to your and her doctors too. They can help you out. And her as well.

Answer 7

I can understand that this situation would be more devastating given the circumstances, but ultimately its your decision. I think that you caring for her well being and not leaving her high and dry goes to show that you are a somewhat decent man. I would recommend encouraging her to go to counseling and if you still feel that there may be hope, you should go with her. My mother is bipolar and I have seen what it has done to her life, and on top of that she is a raging alcoholic.

I wish you the best of luck with your decision.

Answer 8

Your doctor will be able to help you with this. Also try men-tel health. In some cases you might have to get a divorce so that she can get disability income and insurance. You say that you love her. Try everything before you make up your mind. She needs you. You married her for better or worst, sickness,health. Go to your paster for help. Patches.

Answer 9

Good luck. Sounds like she and her pdoc need to try some other meds.

The one thing that I am sure if is that it will never 100% go away UNLESS there is some therapy done in combo with the meds.

Answer 10

Bi Polar people may suffer but they torment the people who live with them and it gets to a breaking point where you must get out to save your sanity and own survival. It is sad they have this illness but the harm they do to their family and close ones is so much worse. I speak from personal experience. If you can leave her protected fiancially in some way and take your shoes and go that is the greatest thing you can do for yourself because she will never change and you are entitled to live in peace. Good luck. Mandy

Answer 11

i suffer also from bipolar disorder...my hubby is such a good guy for being able to put up with my mood swings...i am taking 2 pills of depokote daily and they are really helping...unlike your wife, i DO take it out on my spouse, i have not worked in 4 years, we have a special needs son. your wife has a mental disability. encourage her to stay on her meds, even when she is feeling better.

easier said than done, but don't take it personally. she is unbalanced.

i don't know your state of mind, but i wish you luck ...