what can you do to combat 'passive aggressiveness' within yourself stemming from the fact you were bullied

Question

throughout your life, and never stood up for yourself? so your anger got surpressed....and you have alot of unresolved anger/rage...
how can i learn to not be passive aggressive? how do i defeat it?
and what is a healthy alternative as a replacement?
especially if you struggle with low self esteem

Answer 1

Try to be more mindful in your words and actions. Notice what you are saying or doing and what your intentions are. If your actions/words do not match your intentions then you will become more aware of when, how, and who you typically use passive/aggressiveness towards. It is not healthy to live passive/aggressively. Instead, you should work to become more assertive. That's between being too passive or aggressive. You stick up for your rights without being a bully, or being bullied. Reading self-help books geared toward your situation can help tremendously.

Also, on the childhood thing...people suck sometimes. Sometimes I try to see past what they said or did and think of why they did those things. They most likely had low self-esteem themselves. This does not make it okay for them to act the way the did, but it can make them seem less threatening when you see that they were ultimately acting out of fear. I believe that the life well lived IS the best revenge. Don't keep giving them the power to control your life and well being. They are not worth your hapiness.

If you have a lot of anger that you just cannot get past, therapy may help. Writing in a journal may help, also, as putting your thoughts and feelings into words can be a very powerful cathartic experience. You can read back over entries and see how you have changed...or you may look at what you wrote and see how ridiculous it sounds...of how much power you are giving to the people from your past. You can be a better person than they were. It does take work to be your best mentally, spiritually, etc.

Also, funnelling some of your thoughts and energy into a hobby you enjoy can give a positive outlet for you. Do yoga, swim, woodcrafts, photography, writing, knitting, whatever your passion is, use it to help you create a better you.

Answer 2

Read the New Testament to get direction on how to handle life in a healthy way. You are suffering from "approval addiction" and since we deal with human beings, well, it will never be possible to get everyone's approval all of the time. All it will cause you is grief and frustration. Live to gain God's approval and your inner turmoil will cease.

As you are working through your isses - if you feel anger - you can always go somewhere private and vent - talk to the person as if they are in front of you - get a tennis racket and beat your mattress while you are doing it. As long as you don't hurt anyone or anything while venting - it is okay. Then, when the rage has passed, think about whether or not you need to deal with the person or problem or if it is something you can let go. If you need to deal with the person, then practice before hand what you want to say and use "I" statements only. The minute we start out with "You get on my nerves" or some other attacking like statement, the ricipient will become defensive and the argument begins. Tell the person how you feel by using "I" statements, such as, "I feel hurt when I'm told that I _____(fill in the blank).

Good luck. You just need to keep practising doing things differently and pretty soon it will be second nature. You didn't become passive/aggressive overnight - it will take some time to become healthfully assertive.

Answer 3

Hi,

To be honest I wouldn't be too down beat or hard on yourself.
Being "passive aggressive" in my opinion is quite healthy, you are subtly expresssing and releasing your anger in a fairly healthy (albeit possibly impolite manner).

Also, maybe stop looking to maintain this state of unresolved anger- it is easy to be constantly ignominous and seeking to blame people, or blame yourself.
Maybe accept that from today you can stand up for yourself and positively channel your aggression into either work, or writing or something else creative like the piano or throwing balloons of paint at something I dunno.
Don't get too down about the low self esteem thing, it will grow with positively channeling your anger into other things

Answer 4

I totally disagree with telluwhat...that is another cop out that will leave you just as miserable.

Just remember these things happened in your childhood.

Children can be really cruel. It takes a long time to get over events that happen in your childhood but just remember that many people grow up to regret their behaviours from the past....although some do not ever change.

You just take a good hard look at yourself and know that you are a good person. Try to effect positive changes in other kids you see being bullied. Help people out who need help, and do good. You will soon start to realize there is so much goodness in the world and slowly you will let go of the "mess" that was the past. You can't change it. You can only learn from it. And your anger will lessen as you balance out your life and reap the rewards that your "goodness" puts out there. Your passive/agressiveness as you put it will always be there because you are a good person, but you carry anger at the same time. That's true for many people.

Start living the kind of life you WANT and you will attract positive people in doing so. If you project that "chip" on your shoulder people will just go "uh oh, issues" and move on.

Really, you only have yourself to count on in this world, and you are accountable for yourself. So remember when you GIVE, that is when you get back. So give what you want to get. I'm sure you are older and much wiser and just walk away from idiots because there is no shortage of them. Volunteer...there are things you can do to cheer kids and others up in hospitals, etc. join in charity walks and races...you will be with the class of people you are looking for and it will transform your life. People you meet in situations like that become friends for life who never forget that one act of kindness you did when they were in a totally dark and forlorn place...possibly one they might never recover from.

Answer 5

Your self esteem needs to be rebuild. Books:
When I say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith
I'm O.K. Your O.K.
Then Self Awareness:
Games People Play
Healthy alternative is self assertiveness and honesty.

Answer 6

Maybe being more vocal is your solution. I find that passive aggressive behavior confuses other people who are too involved in their own lives to notice your subtleties.

I find this works best: just give people explicit verbal directions, like: stop doing that, it's annoying. Or just stop doing that! etc.

Dealing with pent in rage is the question of the century. I find loud music and exercise helps it dissipate. Also just do something you enjoy.

Answer 7

I was bullied. In the first grade I had a five year old sit on me I was six. Been called everything but a whiteman. You have go within, find the child within you who was hurt and find out what it wants. If you don't know what I am saying you have not listen to your doctors.

Answer 8

get rid of that "I wish to help" attitude.

that is what give people the impression that you have no life but to help others. in this case people will look down on you.

also, learn how to say no. if you really don't want to do it, don't. it could be a very simple request, but it is still something someone else can do for themselves. how often do they repay you for your kindness?

start there and then ask again.

Answer 9

You should dance a lot...I'm not joking. And forgive and pray, of course. That's about all you have to do.