then when I have been openly happy, relaxed, looked forward to something, was excited about something etc, he does or says something to change how I feel, something snide, rude, critical, inappropriate. It has happened enough that I began to notice (for the last 5 years maybe) I hid how I really felt about potential plans, events, occassions etc., or used misdirection so he would he could be cold, rude etc about things that didn't matter to me. Whenever, we have discussed or mariage problems, he tells me, he just wants me to be happy.
I finally pointed all this out to him, and asked him if it bothered him when I was happy. He said "no". He just said, he wishes things would roll off my back and I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. We went to sleep. I feel to ignore or not take his words seriously, is unrealistic.., unless I choose to not have him as husband. What is happening here?
2007-08-29 04:57:08 · 12 answers · asked by so tired 2 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
One woman told me it was man thing. That they are reckless angry bulls and expect the whole world to be be okay with it. They don't expect a reaction or a consciequence. However, he's tries hard to please his siblings, and wouldn't speak this way to a guy friend without expecting an explictive.
2007-09-01 15:26:29 · update #1
I meant his guy friends, buddies. Has no women friends, that I know of.
2007-09-01 15:28:06 · update #2
Foe, sweetie !! Big time. A sicker and slicker form of sadism; know as the "kill joy".
The root goes deep and is unconscious. They are the last ones to know they are doing it. You didn't cause it, you cannot control it nor can you cure it.
As posted: individual therapy to sort out the messages and to get stronger to make some decisions. Perhaps couple therapy, but, my guess for the prognosis, is poor to very poor.
As someone said: Shame is like an acid, it 'eats away' self respect, self love and confidence. It is a terrible thing to do to another person. But, your heart 'picked him' for some reason(s), so figure that out, in order not to pick the same person - with a different face and name.
Words are worse than fists and 'affects' (of you are wrong, sick, crazy, a disappointment, etc) are worse than words.
I hope this helps
2007-08-29 05:29:33 · answer #1 · answered by Bill S 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He seems to be dealing with some major insecurities. Whenever a person tries to make you feel bad at times in which you are happy, that means that they are battling something within themselves and as a result, they want to make you feel miserable because that is the only way they can bring some kind of happiness into their life. Misery loves company and nobody wants to dwell in their sorrows alone. It always feels better when you have someone to be sad with. That is the problem of your husband; he is insecure or jealous or both. Try to find out what is bothering him. As your husband, he should want to see you happy just as you want to see him happy. A marriage is not suppose to consist of two people making each other miserable. Ask him what his problem is. If he cannot give you an adequate answer then prepare to continue this excruciating cycle because his inability to admit his problems to his own wife is a sign of a deeper problem between the two of you. Best Wishes :)
2007-08-29 05:22:13 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Misery loves company. If he sees you happy and he isn't happy, it makes him more miserable. Try to find out what would make him happy or what would fill the longing in his life. Until he is happy he is going to try to drag you down into his misery. Don't let him. Encourage him. Tell him that the mean comments hurt you deeply. You can chose to react to the comments by considering the source and the reason he is saying them. It probably has nothing to do with you and is an indication of how he feels about himself. Tell yourself positive things and get a friend to feed you positive things.
Tell him the phrase sticks and stones can break your bones but names will never hurt you is absolutely untrue. Words hurt and are impossible to really take back. Be loving and positive with him, and maybe he can learn the right way to act.
2007-09-06 03:35:56 · answer #3 · answered by Linda M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think he is, intentionally or unintentionally, trying to control your emotions so that HE is the only thing in the world that makes you happy. He is not exactly lying when he says he wants you to be happy, but probably what he means is that he wants you to be happy doing things for him, like taking care of his home, cooking his meals, etc. When something outside your marriage is the source of your happiness, he feels threatened that this new thing might take you away from him, or that it might make you a more successful person than he is. Lots of people have problems coping with their partners' success. You and he should get some couples counseling to get to the root of the issue.
2007-08-29 05:07:58 · answer #4 · answered by fizzygurrl1980 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is controlling and manipulative and you a re in for a world of hurt if you try to make a life with this guy.
There are some wonderful guys out there who know how to treat a woman right and he is not one of them but you make the choice and you have to live with it. Imagine how he would be if you had children and yet he expects all your time and attention on him. With children, it won't happen-be very aware of this. He sounds very sadistic to me. If he's not happy, he is about to let you b e happy. Hurting people are unable to allow others around them to be happy when they are miserable.
2007-09-05 17:07:42 · answer #5 · answered by marlynembrindle 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this sounds a lot like my father. I don't think he is being purposely jerk-ish; however, it is still affecting you in a negative way. inorder to stay married with him, i think you should see a couple's therapist if you can afford it. there are also good books out there about these types of marital issues. it sounds like he has some things he needs to work out, but it shouldnt be at the expense of your happiness. I hope things work out
2007-08-29 05:06:26 · answer #6 · answered by Ashre12 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
either you are too sensative and his remarks are something he is not using as a tool to make you angry, just remarks he makes. That is his nature.
or
he is a manipulator who indulges in the opportunity to turn your world upside down at his desire. he is a sadist and enjoys using you as a mental whipping post.
get some counseling (on your own) and without his knowledge.
find out if it is you or him. you may have the need for medication and this is not a bad thing. some people have found that their chemistry is slighty imbalanced and these things help with your attitude.
anti depressants, even bi-polar, a disease that make one upset easily, hurt by actually turing things around
2007-08-29 05:08:04 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
What's happening here is that you are not "being allowed" to be yourself and be happy at the same time. I suppose eventually you will have to choose - hide things, pretend....- or "do I really just want to be myself?" A marriage counselor is in order - good luck getting him to go.
2007-09-05 13:53:40 · answer #8 · answered by toots 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A friend of a foe is a foe. What did you ask that fo'?
2007-08-29 05:04:21 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Sounds a bit passive aggressive. He is purposely sabotaging your happiness, & needs help!
2007-09-06 00:03:57 · answer #10 · answered by Tessa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋