Should I call it quits with a buddy?

Question

I have been buddies with an ex-colleague for several years now. He lives about 45 minutes away so we talk for an hour or two each month and make "dates" to hang out together, going places or small day trips. We enjoy each other's company. We have a nice relationship. However, his partner of a couple of years, whom I have only met once when I invited them to an evening at my home, is noticeably chilly on the phone, even to the point of being rude. They do not live together.

I called my friend last month when his partner answered. The first thing out of his mouth was that they could not talk that they were going out. A few minutes later, friend called me (he had been outside) sort of embarrassed that this had happened. He wanted me to call him back in a couple of days.

I have not called him back. I know this puts my friend in a bad spot, I care about him, I know he loves this guy.

I figure it must just be time to let them live without my presence. What do you think?

This detail may not be necessary, but I am a married female. My friend is a gay man. His partner has absolutely nothing to be jealous about.

Answer 1

You do what you think is right, this is a problem that does not have a definitive answer.

Answer 2

I think it is a case of good old-fashioned jealousy. This guy's partner is insecure in his relationship for some reason, so he gets jealous of anyone else in his partner's life. You didn't mention whether you were gay too or not, but even if you're straight, this guy is probably so insanely jealous that he sees another man, any man, as a potential threat. Perhaps he doesn't believe your friend when he tells him that you're just buddies. I know that I can be a little jealous sometimes, and my boyfriend used to have a female friend who would call him up all the time. Even though he swore that they were just friends and that nothing sexual had ever happened between them, I still felt jealous every time she called him up on the phone, because I assumed he would talk about stuff with her that he wouldn't share with me, and that made me feel like I was being emotionally cheated on. It sounds silly now, but periodically I still get jealous of other girls we both know, for no real reason.

That is one idea. Another is that you simply rub him the wrong way. It seems that in every relationship, there is that one friend that the other person can't stand! My boyfriend has a friend like that- we've just clashed since the day I met the guy. But, that's what love is all about- you have to put up with those people in your partner's life that you may not like, or you have the choice of just not being around when they are, but you can't dictate who your partner is friends with.

You are right to not want to put your friend in the middle, but it wouldn't be out of line to talk to him about it in a friendly way next time you talk to him. Just say, "I kind of get the feeling that ______ doesn't really like me. Did I do something to upset him?" Let him know that you don't wish to cause friction in his relationship. If he wishes to continue your friendship, he will either have to talk to his partner about his attitude, or he'll just have to arrange to hang out with you when his partner is not around.

Answer 3

I wouldn't let some thing like that stop you from being friends if you two get along so well. Some times people can be jealous of a good friendship almost to the point of feeling threatened (weird I know happened to me once). Still, if your friend is apologetic and still wants to hang out with you every so often then I'd say you have a great friend not worth losing.

Answer 4

The partner sounds jealous. But, that's not your problem. You have rights to be friends with your friend, partner-be-jealous or not. He's just feeling threatened. Try to reassure him that you and your buddy are just friends. You can even ask your buddy to sit down with him.
Your friend sounds like a good guy, don't let some jealousy ruin your friendship!
Best of luck.

Answer 5

yeah, it sounds like his partner has an issue with you.

whether that is right or wrong, if you know he loves his partner, then maybe it is time to back off and let things go.

maybe as their relationship gets stronger and they build more trust, there will be room for you to be friends again.

this happened with me in the past year. my husband and i trust each other implicitly and we each have past bf/gf as friends that we still occasionally talk to.
however, my one ex stopped returning my calls. so, i chalked it up to the fact that he recently became involved with someone seriously and i guess his contact with me strained that.
i didn't push it, either. it seemed that it was time to let our friendship go.
i wish him much happiness in life and i hope he has found love like i have with my husband.

i think that's all you can do.

take care:)

p.s. perhaps you can call him just one last time to let him know this. just call him up and say "i feel that my presence puts a strain on your relationship and i want you to know that there are no hard feelings and i wish you both well, but i think it's best if you just let me fade into the background."

that's the only part about not speaking to my ex i regret...that there was no closure. i assume that's why he never returned my calls, but i don't know for sure.

Answer 6

His partner is jealous and that is your friends problem. He needs to reassure him that you two are only friends. If you truly enjoy his company, let him work out the details of his relationship. I would discuss this with my friend.

Answer 7

This really isn't your problem. You have a right to be friends with him... as long as that's all it really is.
If you're attracted to him (or think their may be a mutual attraction), then let him know & then call it quits.
If it's entirely platonic, then his partner will have to come to terms with it. Don't lose a friend simply because his partner has jealousy/insecurity issues.

Answer 8

for heaven's sake he is like a best friend, would you like your best friend doing it to you (what you are doing to him now)

if anyother person has a problem with the two of your let him deal with it.

i would never give leave my friend because someone else don't like it, infact i would be calling and hanging out with her more often to show the other person that he can't do nothing bout it.

he doesn't know where you have come from and what you have been through so don't give a damn about what he thinks...

Answer 9

the partner sounds jealous of u. Maybe ask ur friend to call u when he is alone so as to not be treated so rudely by his partner.

Answer 10

Sounds like your buddy's partner is jealous. You have the right idea to just give them time without your presence. Good luck to you.

Answer 11

If all your buddy's pals are intimidated by this overbearing shirtlifter than he's not going to have any friends left. If the **** is so insecure then maybe your friend is better off without him.