Do you like my newest poem?

Question

*****
Courage

I’ve been waiting here an hour
Like some sad and droopy flower
On the chance that my glance will fall on you

When you come around the corner
My heartbeat skips and flutters
And I shudder like an arrow’s passing through

Then I sit there like a mummy
Or some stringless puppet dummy
That hasn’t got a clue of what to do

Today I’ll stand and holler
Loose my collar, bet a dollar
They will hear, from you-know-who

Here they come, better run,
From heat just like the sun,
Now my tongue, it weighs a ton, spit out my gum,

Oh crap! Stepped right in the goo…
Hi…

*****

Answer 1

You mean newer than new?

Men are all boys!

Answer 2

It was all good until the end.

There is a fine line between a fun and light hearted poem and one that is just plain ridiculous, and the last few lines were pretty crazy.

If you're going for crazy then go all out with it. As the reader I was right there with you, but you took an unnecessary turn and you lost me.

You have good stuff, but I'd work on a few things.

Answer 3

The first four stanzas were good....I could have done without the last lines, though.


P.S. I really liked the line: "Or some stringless puppet dummy"

Answer 4

I really like the first few stanzas, but the last two completely confused me. I'd just rewrite the last two, and then you'd have a winner!

Answer 5

God, no! Are you in 8th grade or something? This is simple, childish. Has no soul! Why do you feel you need to use simple rhymes? Free verse is the only expressive way....mummy, dummy, holler, dollar...Oh real inventive, different. Your not destimed to be a poet - EVER....hurrrmmmm

Answer 6

some better

Answer 7

OOOoo ! U r so emo today! please wipe your feet before you go to work.
Loved it!