Any comments on this poem? Don't be afraid to be harsh.?

Question

When all is well she is never noticed,
When there is light she is overshadowed,
Only when tainted by darkness,
Her true beauty is shown.
She sacrificed living with the light,
To illuminate the unknown,
To alleviate our fears.
She shelters us lovingly,
Yet she is ostracized
She is trapped
Cursed to live in gloom eternallym
Living only to as a tool to be used
Dying only to be ressurected
This sorrowful life is her's
The lonely moon

*eternally. srry about that

*Living only to be a tool to be used
Sorry about that again.

Answer 1

Well, you've joined an auspicious tradition of the poet in rapturous contemplation of the moon. Typically, such poems serve as much to reflect the speaker's internal state of mind as much as to provide a compelling description of the moon. You've clearly established a lovingly somber tone for the speaker of the poem who addresses the moon as a sympathetic, anthropomorphic figure. It's also refreshing to see a venture into narrative poetry versus lyric poetry, which can be especially challenging since the implied speaker of the poem does not directly refer to himself or herself, and yet the poem is still able to say something significant about the speaker.

Having said that, I would point out some problematic tendencies within your writing of this specific poem that I would recommend you avoid. First, try not to indulge so much in abstract wording such as "darkness," "sorrowful," and "lonely" that mistakes vagueness for profundity. Life, as they say, is in the details. Many aspiring poets make the mistake of thinking that abstractions are the way to achieve universal appeal and "deepness," but while abstractions are sometimes necessary in invoking certain conceits, themes, or paradigms, a poem full of abstractions risks losing the sensuality of specificity and making the reader disconnect.

Take for example your line "This sorrowful life is hers" (be careful of spelling, there is no apostrophe with "hers"). Don't overstate with bland generalities what you've already beautifully rendered through ambiance-inducing descriptions like "Only when tainted by darkness, / Her true beauty is shown." That line ALREADY tells the reader in a more compelling, atmospheric way that the moon has a sorrowful and lonely life without you having to spell it out. Speaking of more specifics, you invoke a lovely maternal sensibility in the lines "She sacrificed living with the light to illuminate the unknown, / To alleviate our fears," but again, the abstractions make diffuse what specifics could make much more interesting. What fears? What is we are more fearful of on those nights there is no moon? Why?

Back to the line "Only when tainted by darkness. / Her true beauty is shown," it is quite effective in setting up a compelling paradox--her beauty is only apparent through the process of contrast against darkness. However, I would question the word choice "tainted," because it creates a problem of functional description that overrides any benefits that might be gained from artistic ambiguity. If we are talking about a full moon, I'm not sure "tainted" is the correct word, because the darkness of night surrounds the moon to provide contrast, but the darkness doesn't necessarily "taint" or "stain" that moon. Now if you are talking about the moon in a different phase, i.e., half moon, gibbous moon, crescent moon, you might be able to use the verb "taint" because the moon IS covered in shadow at that point, but then you have to conceptually clarify why the moon's beauty is greater when partially in shadow.

As for the overall set up of the poem, I don't think you need to keep the fact that that the subject of the poem is the moon hidden until the last line of the poem. Rather than imbuing the poem with a sense of mystery, I think the strategy creates for the reader a feeling that the poem is now merely an elaborately worded riddle whose answer is too conveniently and obviously stated at the end of the poem. The poem could potentially have so much more going on for it than being a riddle to be solved (like the aforementioned paradox of the nature of the moon's beauty and the potential for the moon's description to be a reflection of the implied speaker's inner life).

In revising your poem, I would also recommend reading and analyzing the works of notable poets who have written on the subject of the moon to learn what innovations or perspectives they bring to tradition. I have three specific recommendations, but obviously there is a wealth of "moon poems" out there for your to explore. There's a lot of great stuff out there. Keep writing, and draw upon your own life and the lives of others (through their writing) to get inspired.

Check out Sir Philip Sidney's famous Sonnet 31 for a lyric poem where the speaker uses the figure of the moon to delineate his own anguished concerns about unrequited love:
http://www.luminarium.org/renlit/stella31.htm

Also read Philip Larkin's poem "Sad Steps" (a direct allusion to the first line of Sidney's Sonnet 31). What Larkin does is quite interesting since the speaker of his poem tries to build up the significance of the moon as a poetic symbol, but by the poem's end, the speaker dismisses such an attempt as an artistic indulgence that is better left for someone less cynical than the speaker.
http://www.artofeurope.com/larkin/lar1.htm

Finally, I suggest reading Ted Hughes' "Snail of the Moon" for his word choice and imagery in setting up the bizarre and mysterious. His poem is a good example of sensual and specific details used to create an aura of mystery.

Snail of the Moon
by Ted Hughes

Saddest of all things on the moon is the snail without a shell.
You locate him by his wail, a wail heart-rending and terrible

Which sounds as though something had punctured him.
His battle for progress is both slow and grim.

He is sad, wet and cold, like a huge tear
In a thin skin. He wanders far and near

Searching for a shelter from the sun--
For the first sunbeam will melt and make him run.

So moving in the moon-dark only he must keep going,
With muscles rippling and saliva flowing,

But nowhere on the moon is there garage
For such a snail. He is not merely large

He is over a mile from side to side.
It's useless him seeking any place to hide.

So wailingly and craning his periscopes
Over the dark bulge of the moon he gropes.

He has searched every inch of the moon. I guess
That silver is a snail-saliva silveriness.

Answer 2

I love the concept here, and I think you have mostly written it well. A few comments:

Aside from the typos, there are places you have commas that should be semicolons or periods. It seems nit-picky, but there is a dramatic difference in how it reads. I would, for example, end the first line in a semicolon and the second in a period, for both grammatical correctness and rhythm.

The second and third lines don't quite describe the moon. In light it/she is outshone, rather than overshadowed. Also, the moon itself is not "tainted by darkness"; instead, the earth is darkened (or rather, the sun's light removed from it), and the moon itself is illuminated by an otherwise disappearing sun. I of course appreciate poetic license, but when you are doing a reveal at the end, the rest of the poem should better describe what you are to reveal.

I love the description of the moon as a "tool to be used" - nice touch there. Also, I ordinarily dislike passive voice in a poem, but "Her true beauty is shown" actually works very well, since in fact the moon only appears because the sun shines off of it.

All in all, nice work. A little more focus on the small details would make it better. Thanks for sharing it!

Answer 3

Harsh? Me?
I like what it says.
Use puctuation a little better, some places it needs to be, it is non-existant.
I really don't care much for free verse, it is so often used by people who have no idea how to break a line to create flow and rhythm. You have done a very good job of formatting this free verse into something that I can actually call poetry. And $2 words are really not required, now I have to look up eternallym in my dictionary..(just kidding). Let us see more of this caliber or better.

Answer 4

Well I like this poem here
I can see you put alot of work in it
there are many feeling described
like lonely,
as well as fear
sadness of sorrow

Answer 5

It sounds good to me. I really like it. Two thumbs up and some snaps. :-)
Also, check the spelling of eternally, you made a typo.

Answer 6

Who is "she"? You should tell your reader who the character is so they can relate better. It's pretty good besides that vagueness.

Answer 7

Good job!

Answer 8

really cool!
kinda like a riddle

Answer 9

its good... I think its a little obvious, but thats just my opinion.

Answer 10

I like it.