Feeling insecure in my marriage after 9 years, told my wife. What do I do?

Question

In a very successfull marriage, 3 kids, great job, great friends, money in the bank, strong love between the both of us.... lots of hugging, kissing, sez blah blah. Ever since I had some friends come in I haven't seen in 15 years I have felt like I have reverted back to the way I was 15 years ago, very insecure..... This is not how I have been at all in the last few years, but now insecurity has readred its ugly head. On top of that, my wife is back to a personal trainer and looking good, my 1st born is going into 3 day a week full day pre school. My 2nd born was just diagnosed with autism so he will be heading into a 5 day a week all day pre school program.

On top of that my wife has been seeing a shrink and her self esteem has gone way up. All of the sudden I am feeling not as important to her, and feeling insecure. Last night I told her and now I think she sees me as weak.

What can I do to get out of this funk? How does she view me now?

Mid life crisis? Me or her? I am sure she is faithful, it is just my insecurities...

I go to the gym as well. I am 6'2 with a very athletic build.

I go to the gym as well. I am 6'2 with a very athletic build.

Yes, one of my friends mad a comment about my wife. A VERY innapropriate comment.. "Dude, I can't wait to fu*& you wife tonight when you go to bed"

Nice huh?

Answer 1

The karma approach to confidently interacting with other people: how you do unto others controls what you think others will do unto you.

Think about how you react when someone asks you for something or tells you something personal. Are you cool about it or do you freak out? Most importantly: do you secretly freak out, but pretend to be cool about it just to be polite?

If you are really cool about it: you are probably a really nice and accommodating person and you are afraid of inconveniencing others. To gain confidence, remind yourself that you like to help people and listen to them when they come to you (or at least you don't mind it too much), you should give others the chance to return the favor. Really, most people are as accommodating and compassionate as you are.

If you freak out: you have problems relating to people in general. Gain confidence by doing nice things for other people, then you will feel like you deserve to have nice stuff in return and you won't be afraid to tell people what you need.
If you secretly freak out but act polite: you lack confidence because you are afraid everyone else is just as fake as you are. Gain confidence by being truthful with yourself: the next time someone asks you to do something you aren't comfortable with, politely say no instead of politely saying yes. Once you define your own boundaries, it will be easier for you to get what you need out of other people. Also, once you have rejected a few people yourself, it will be easier to accept rejection from others without totally losing your confidence.


TIPS

Fake it until you make it: if you are not a confident person, it is going to be really scary the first time you put yourself out there. Think of a confident person you want to emulate and act as much like him or her as you can until the whole experience is over. Eventually it will get easier to be confident and you can do it without adopting a false persona.

Develop a thick skin: confident people don't let rejection or setbacks bother them. Try your best not to take these things personally - eventually you will have more successes than failures and it will be easier to deal with rejection.

Be realistic in your expectations of others - don't ask for more than they can give. Don't set yourself up for failure.


WARNING

Confidence can often be confused with arrogance. Be aware of how you are coming across to others.





http://www.wikihow.com/Regain-Confidence =]

Answer 2

If your insecurities are due to nostalgia, just give it some time, you will be back to yourself.

Its good that your wife's self-esteem has gone up, but if she's behaving differently with you as a direct result, you gotta let her know. If your bond is still strong, there is very less possibility that she would see you as weak.

If your feel that you are the sole reason for your insecurities, then lie back for some time, a couple of months or so. You are bound to adapt within this time.

Answer 3

No, I think you did the right thing to tell her. But the way you are feeling now, may well make you a bit paranoid about everyone or the way people are looking at you.
So, what you need to do now, is to take action and not sink into depression as it sure be the real way to lose it all.
You might even consider talking to a psychologue too. Whyever not. You don't need to tell your wife to start with if you are not comfortable with the idea.But, you'll see, by reacting now, you will do better.
Good luck.xxx

Answer 4

first: ditch the so called friends, you don't need to be with people who make you feel bad,
second: go to the shrink as well, there is nothing that can not be fixed and that includes you,
third: if your wife is as you say in love with you, she should not see you as weak, rather she should have your back and support you in these difficult times.
fourth: Be sure of yourself, if you are insecure you would not have a marriage for 9 years, you would not have a good job, you would not have money in the bank or blessed with children

Answer 5

its only natural to voice your insecurities to your wife,my husband does it all the time if hes having an off day,its part of our relationship is to talk about everything that is bothering us,otherwise how can we make them better?
i know exactly what is bothering you,its jealousy and the threat of your wife cheating on you.
i take it that one of your friends commented on how hot your wife was looking and it has made you worried that other men will view her the same way.and now that she doesnt have her children round her ankles you are worried that she will attract male attention.
my husband is the same,im a stay at home mum but he says that the day i go back out to work he will panic that i will cheat on him.i explained that i would never cheat on him but he says that because i have low self esteem that if a man gave me attention then i would be flattered and jump on it.its bollocks but he really does see it as a big threat.
also we are both a bit overweight and im talking about losing a couple of stone,with which i get comments like "if you lose the weight you will leave me for a smaller man".which is also bollocks,but i just listen and try my best to reassure him that i love him.
if your wifes attitude hasnt changed towards you then all the changes that she has put herself through are for her benefit and you shouldnt feel threatened that she is "doing it for another man".your wife probably loves you just as much as she always has...and arent you happy that she is now the happy bubbly,thinner wife that you fell in love with.dont knock her that she wanted to better herself because truth be told if there was a magic pill for it,wouldnt we all?

Answer 6

Ask yourself what made you strong before you saw your friends. Are you threatened by your wifes self esteem? Its natural to feel threatened when your wife tells someone other than you her deepest darkest secrets but if she has already told you what they are then there is no threat because all she is doing is looking for a different point of view! Hang in there or do what I did - move the family to the country and start over - wonderful choice and glad I took it - life changes aplenty and Im loving it

Answer 7

Weakness is death with women. As soon as you start to become insecure it is just a downward slide until she no longer sees you as an equal. Love, good looks and longevity in the relationship are all negated when her subconcious no longer views you as an equal or needed asset in her future.

Warning signs would include new hair cut, weight loss from exercise or diet. thats greater than normal. new hobbies and habbits. less compramise in daily arguments/debates.

Answer 8

You should not feel insecured instead let her know that you trust her. she might be busy with her work and just don't have time for your need that's why you feel that way. What you need is to let her know that she should have time for you even how busy she was. Don't fight be civil and talk to each other over dinner or lunch . compromise if things cannot be done the way you like.

Answer 9

First of all, that is no friend. Next, I would suggest getting counseling to see what is going on with you. If things are great with your wife, and everything else is going great then see what is not being "filled" from the inside.

Be proud of her working out and looking good, and happy that life is good for you both. Work on you because you both deserve the best "you" you can be.

All the best,

Answer 10

Sit and write down all of the things that have made your life so successful. Write down all of your good qualities, and all of your bad qualities. I will be that you have more good ones than bad ones.

I am guessing that since your wife has begun to improve herself, you are feeling less confident about yourself. What is wrong with you joining a gym too. The exercise will increase your energy and confidence. You are a success in life, now get out there and act like one!!!