What do you think of my made up war letter/story?

Question

I started writing poems one day and realised I was quite good. So I started writing short stories and then decided to write a letter as it would be from a soldier to his wife in World War 1.

Tell me what you think....................

My Beauty Elizabeth

My Spirit mourns for the touch of your delicate beauty. I am heavy laden with thoughts of trepidation and despair. Oh how I yearn for the moment my dream become reality – the day my fingers caress your body once more.

The stench of death and pain caused by man’s warring battle distress my soul. To partake in mankind’s abysmal vengeance was a choice beyond my power. For by the thousands, we are forced to partake in a war we neither caused nor sought after.

Like sheep that are herded by fear by a superior being, they attempt flight - an escape path but to no avail. Their efforts are fruitless; the unremitting attempts of freedom exhaust their willpower and valor of heart.

Surrender is the only alternative, the tyrant is too power

Surrender is the only alternative, the tyrant is too powerful – his strength is overwhelming. For that reason, their life is no longer their own, but belong to an insuperable ruler.

Let not your heart be troubled my love, for I draw strength from those around me who provide me with words of encouragement and prayer.

Pray for me also my love, for without the Lords guidance I would surely perish. I refuse to breathe my last breath amongst a war-torn land of bloodshed and anarchy. Thus said, I will return to you my darling Elizabeth, I promise you.

I pray this letter arrives in haste that you would be comforted by the truth of my safety and condition.

Be reassured that my love for you is undying and boundless. My heart will follow only after you. I will write to you everyday my beloved, I hope to hear a reply from you before long.

All my love and devotion

Your faithful husband

William

Answer 1

I'd like very much to encourage you to continue writing and to polish your skills.

Perhaps a World War I soldier would have used the same sort of flowery phrases you included, but I found them a bit much. Try to reduce the number of prepositional phrases in each sentence.

I believe you have captured much of the feelings of futility and despair felt by many soldiers in trench warfare, but there were also those who were angry and those who simply expressed their love and longing to be home.

In combat you often just hope to make it through each day without being killed or wounded. Men in combat often develop great feelings of loyalty toward those who share the experience.

Most soldiers would consider surrender only as a last resort, fearing capture almost more than death.