Is it hopeless?

Question

Do you think that sometimes a marriage is really over even when you dont want it to be. My marriage is struggling at the moment and i am not sure it can be fixed. I have been with my husband for 17 years and we have two kids. We have had our ups and downs like everyone else but got through. My husband has always suffered with bouts of depression when he can be unreasonable and very difficult to live with but i have bit my lip until they have passed as i love him. Over perhaps the last 6 months he has been going through what i can only describe as a mid life crisis, with a 'Is this all life has to offer attitude'. He is rarely happy, everything i or our kids do seems to irritate him and i feel like he would be better giving me a script to work from each day so i dont say the wrong thing! He hates his job and the rat race and feels stilted by conformity. Plays in a band, seems to be the only thing that makes him smile. We shuffle along, thankful for the peaceful times

Trouble is, I and our kids now feel relieved when he is out, elated if he is cheerful and anxious not to cause an argument. My teenage daughter ran to her room the other night to escape the argument between her dad and brother which erupted because my husband wanted to use the computer when my son was using it, (he hadnt said he wanted it, we are supposed to be telepathic). There just seems to be no happiness in this house at the moment, I dont seem to be enough for my husband (not edgy enough, too conformist etc) He would not see a doctor or take antidepressents and i have tried to use other methods to help him. I feel like i cant do this anymore. I love him and want our marriage to survive but am i kidding myself as there are more bad times than good.

Answer 1

Sorry to hear about that, maybe it will pass. Don't give up counseling, go yourself and try to get him to come with you. Good luck.

Answer 2

I was at the point you are now a few months back. My wife had become sad all the time and we barely talked. At first I attributed it to hormones but that turned out medicated.
I asked her once after an argument if she would feel better if I wasn't there.
In the whole 17 years we've been married she's has never asked me this once and I had to be the one to do it.
Your Husband is going to have to come to terms with you or risk your marriage. He should care.
Maybe he could print a resume and change his place of work? From what you write I get a great sense of frustration.

I found a book my wife was hiding from me once about how to move on after a relationship fails. It woke me up and made me realize how much less I would be without her by my side.

I posted to your thread because your situation is so similar to mine it scares me.
I hope he does what a good man should and turn to you.
Please let me know if you work it out.

Answer 3

Don't give in to his bad behavior. The only reason that he is behaving this way is that you have allowed it for so long. If you want someone to change a behavior pattern remember FIRR. State the Facts, here is what you are doing. State the Impacts, this is what this behavior causes and this is how it makes me feel. Show him Respect, you are a great husband and a great provider, when you come home and are in a good mood, we really enjoy having you as a father/husband. Lastly, state the Result. This behavior has got to stop otherwise me and the kids are going to go make you go to family counseling. And further, if you don't go then we'll go without you. Good luck on this one, patience and consistency.

Answer 4

hi there sweetheart ive been where you are and its a horrible thing to be in ,you say you want youre marriage to work look the only way that i can see for you is to get the kids at a friends house or youre mums house for a good couple of hours and get this sorted out with youre husband once and for all and tell him straight that this is getting beyond living with and was he aware what youre daughter did the other night when you going on about the computer ,as i see it he is running this house as if he is the only important one there i can asure that this is not going to get any better in fact this will only get more difficult to live in the same house ,he needs a sharp shock to let him know that you and the kids have had enough and if you dont get youre act together its over .......i know that is the last thing you want to say to him ,but can you honestly keep living around this man by walking on egg shells ?it is not fair to you or the kids ,and this might be the thintg that makes him sit up take note and do something about his depression,and by god is he wallowing in it .....the poor me thing ,look he's not the only one with problems he's in turn making all the rest of youre family misserable .....now is that fair ........i hope i havent hurt you or upset you .....good luck with this and take care of youre self and youre kids xx

Answer 5

I think this is just another storm and if you can take it, then you will be all the wiser later on, and happier too.
Be it with your husband or any other man you might meet later on, there will undoubtedly be hard times.
As you say, it is a mid-life crisis.
Maybe you can take the children away on vacation somewhere?
I know it is hard, but I think that you need to hang on there.
Maybe you can try marriage counselling, even on your own for a start.
Good luck.xxx

Answer 6

If you ever really loved him.this is not the time to even think about leaving him.Think,he doesn't know what he is really doing and needs all the help and support at this point of time.Do what ever you can but take him to a doctor and give him a chance to regain his self worth.These are the testing times in a marriage and having invested so much so far ,you wouldn't want all that to go down the drain.Once he regains his normal state,you are at a liberty to decide any which way you like.Just imagine,if you were disabled and become abnormal and if he then thinks to leave you ,what kind of name one can give to that behavior?What we do,all comes back to us,sooner or later.There is no religion in this but simple law of nature.Wish you and the family all the best.

Answer 7

i feel the same way but thank god my 3 kids are not his he has such a short temper and everything the kids and i do bothers him we have only been together a lil over a yr and i think once my lease is up in Oct. I'm out i left one bad relationship and ended up in worse one... we always say were going to work on it but it never happens...my only brother was murdered 7 yr ago and i don't feel as much hate for the person that did it as i do for him. I would say to leave him you tried 17 yr and i know you probably don't have no more to give in the relationship so move on before it finishes consuming you. don't get me wrong i can say i love him but all the bad time slowly starts killing all of that and every time i get my hopes up about us being together another fight happens i don't even like to have the smallest hope for us anymore whats the point i'm just going to be let down again......... do whats in you hart no one can say you didn't try and think about the way its affecting you children

Answer 8

My goodness I have been in the same situation as you. After 25 years of tiptoeing around my husband I got up the courage to leave. When he realised i was serious he didn't want me to go, but i went anyway and made him sell our house so we could each buy are own place. I cant tell you how bliss full it was to be able to do my own thing. We never got divorced and remained friends, after 6 years he has come to realise what a prat he was and we have now moved back in together.That was my situation but it wont be exactly the same for you but give him a bloody big shock and say you've had enough. Do it for your own sanity, lifes too short. Good luck

Answer 9

If he won't go with you for "marriage counselling" you could take some desperate measures ie.

You and the kids go away for a couple of weeks and let him struggle on his own
or
Withdraw all wifely duties
or
Change all the locks when he's out
or
Find yourself a lover and have some fun
or
all of the above or combination of any of the above but the permanent solution is against the law

Answer 10

Sounds similar to my situation,we've been married 15 years(together 25) 4 kids eldest is 13 (with ADHD) Hubby had breakdown to bulling my managers at work he saw a councilor and took antidepressants, he has been off of them 8 months he still gets very low and also picks fault with the kids and me(youngest is only 4) I told him if he didn't try to control how he spoke to/about the children i told him we would leave, and i was prepared to go as i can just stick up for myself and he knows this so he doesn't push a point with me anymore however,the kids are just doing usual kid things and that's why i said we would go, it shocked him and he has behaved better since,thing is it is the children who get affected worst as we know what our men were like, once they have gone low it is always easy for the person to dip then it makes everyone miserable that's why you need to take the lead for your kids sanity Will your hubby talk to a councilor? i feel he does need help but maybe he is in denial of his depression.
E-mail me if i can help anymore,
good luck and be strong.

Answer 11

These types of questions are very hard to answer with the subject being so important. But I would suggest seeing a counselor of some sort to help sort out some problems. Your husband most definitely needs some help through his mid-life crisis.