will you rate my poem?

Question

this is my first day writing poetry.. i've written two..

Poem A



I want you to know, how deeply I care
For somebody whose touch, is more than I can bare.
When you get near, I trimble, I just want you to see
Your my world, my universe... I want you to belong to me.
But thats too much to ask, if you could only see
From the second our eyes met, I knew it was destiny.
Your my only one, my everything.
Please know, im your's for the taking.


Poem B

All this suffering, been doing it for years
After all the wondering, i'm back at the starting point
Start to think, whats the point to my journey.
Maybe it's just destiny, that I fail.
I cant handle, my fear of rejection.
Maybe it's just destiny, that I fail.

I'm getting the sense that poem A is better because it rhymes?? poem B is all about me not being able to find love or a relationship, and everytime i try, i fail miserably.

Answer 1

yah, good enough. a little bit melancholic, but it's nice. keep 'em coming. i like poems, too

Answer 2

Both poems need a title...to write a poem and not give it a title is like having a child and not giving it a name.

Poem "A": you should use line breaks to shorten up the lines and create an abcb pattern to replace the rhymed couplets you're using now. For example, the first two lines might read:

I want you to know,
how deeply I care
For somebody whose touch,
is more than I can bare.

especially since you already created pauses with commas that wouldn't usually be found there in the sentence. Also, it's "tremble", not "trimble".

Poem "B": you use commas in strange places...if you want a line break, just use the line break. That way the pause becomes an "enjambment"..."I can't handle, my fear of rejection"...why the comma? The repetition of "maybe it's..." is weak and unsupported. Basically, dump the poem and start over.

Answer 3

This poem is quite good for a beginner, there is defiantly some nice imagery in it, but it kinds of lacks direction, its a bit confusing, it starts off with you happy you have found someone, but they aren't really yours? And then they go away, which is a fine storyline, but you need to illustrate a point in the poem when they leave. It doesn't quite rhyme in places, which I do not blame you for, rhyming poems are very very difficult, so maybe you should just try non rhyming poems to begin with. If you like the idea of rhyming still, try just making it lyrical when spoken, counting the syllables per line is a good way to do that. Poetry can be fun and very satisfying, I think you should continue, you may even make some money! But you need to buy a book on writing poetry to really get the best results, I recommend "the ode less travelled: unlocking the poet within" by Stephen Fry, he is fantastic and and very entertaining.

Answer 4

Poem A is very good. i like the rhyming pattern and the use of emotion portayed through it. Poem B has less rhythm and is therefore much less enjoyable to read. Also, the repetition of the same word at the end of two sentences needs to be improved, as it lacks some creativity.

However, on the whole, a very good first attempt at writing poetry! perhaps, try giving them a name and you will be on your way to becoming a great poet! :)

Answer 5

Poem B is more forceful and honest...Poem A is too artsy...You don't need rhymes to evoke emotions and feelings in poetry...A. R. Ammons, Sylvia Plath, William Carlos Williams, Dylan Thomas, to name just a few, their poems don't rhyme but it has "magic that can melt to tears the rock of hearts"..

Answer 6

I like poem B way better. Rhyming poems are like for little kids, I can relate a lot more to the second one...

Answer 7

Poem A is fine. However Poem B has to be improved upon. Also give a good title for them

Answer 8

poem A is beautiful ..try to work a bit on the second poem try adding more lines or more rhyming but the moral is great

Answer 9

Why don't you start by at least running spell check. Then learn the difference between "your" and "you're." (and "bare" and "bear" "thats" and "that's.") If "you" can't see, then how could his eyes meet the narrator's?
I don't mean to be too negative, but a poet should love the language enough to get it right. Thanks.

Answer 10

Fantastic, I think you are gifted