Help Please!! Tell me what you think?

Question

of my intro and thesis thanks in advance

A wise man once said “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”. This quote exemplifies that to get to were you want to go in life you must always start off at square one. College in itself is one of these journeys. The twists, the turns, the ups, and the downs, college is the ultimate roller coaster in life. With that said, the reasons why I decided to go to college are for pride, financial responsibility and family admiration

Answer 1

Honestly, erase the entire thing.

-Don't quote an unknown person.
-You misspelled the word "where" as "were".
-The word "exemplifies" is used incorrectly.
-Don't compare college to a journey or a roller coaster. You haven't been there yet, so you don't know. In fact, make no comment whatsoever about what college "is," since you honestly don't know yet.
-"With that said" should not be used, because you didn't say anything. You wrote it.
-Pride could be a good thing, but it's also one of the seven deadly sins. Don't use that word.
-Financial responsibility could be a good thing, but it seems to suggest that without college, one would not have financial responsibility, which is a claim you dare not make here.
-Family admiration... meaning you want to receive it?? Or meaning you admire a family member who went to college? If it's the first option, I'd pitch the entire application right there. College is not about receiving admiration. If it's the latter option, you should say that explicitly.

I tore you apart. I'm sorry. But please trust me, as well as the responses above.

Tips for rewriting the intro:

Be specific. Don't use figures of speech. Don't open with a quote. I don't care what your teachers told you. Say something about who YOU are, not about what you think college might be. Say something about the type of student you are, what motivates or fascinates you, or what you really want to learn.

Answer 2

I see a few problems. First of all, the quote means that in order to accomplish something big, you have to start out. That is not the same thing as saying that you always have to start at square one.

"Exemplifies" is used incorrectly. It means that it is an example of something, but you are really saying that the quote means something.

You have too many similes here. College is a journey. College is a roller coaster. They don't mean the same thing - a roller coaster is something which has its ups and downs, something you don't really address here. Then suddenly, at the end, you give your reasons for deciding to go to college. It isn't clear how this fits with anything else in the paragraph.

Answer 3

First of all, if you think that college is the ultimate roller coaster in life, then I have some bad news for you: life after college gets MUCH more rocky than that.

Second, while pride, financial responsibility, and family admiration are all interesting and compelling reasons to go to college, if that's all you are going there for you probably don't have the interest need to finish college in any meaningful way.

Ultimately, the only real reason to go to college is to learn. If you aren't interested in being educated, you probably won't get anything out of it.

Trust me, this is something I had to learn the hard way. When I first started college, I felt like college was just an extension of high school - you take classes, get grades, and progress according to your abilities.

Wrong. If you are going for a higher education you have to want it, and you have to want to work for it.

Answer 4

So here's what I think, since you asked...if you're applying to college and you're quoting someone, you had better reference who that is. Know that college is NOT the ulimate roller coaster in life and those folks reading this know that. Keep in mind it would be nice for the readers to know that other than pride, admiration and money, you may want to be getting some knowledge out of the deal too.

Answer 5

sounds good.