what to do should i leave or stay?

Question

I have been married for 9 years and together for 18 we have had lots of problems such as bankrupcy and sickness. my husband and i haven't been getting on at all for the last 6 years. he has been sarcastic to me and treating me with a lack of respect as he just cannot show me emotional support so then about 4 years ago i started to close my heart to him cause of this treatment.We have 2 children which makes it worse cause i feel scared of hurting the kids then there is the money independance i am not sure i can do it on my own. about 3 months ago i told my husband i will not put up with his attitude anymore. he said he will change and he is trying but i realise i just don't love him anymore the way a wife should.We r seeking counciling now so he can get help to make me open back up again and to teach me how to realise he isn't being rude anymore. so i am giving this a chance but what i want to know is there real love for me out there. if i meet someone else would that work for me?

Answer 1

Wow--I am so sorry. I was in the same position 4 years ago and have 4 kids--I don't know your age--but I was 31 at the time and really thought about it and figured even with the kids I needed a life. I am happy not dealing with the put downs and sarcasm and being controlled--but is very hard--never imagined how hard financially. A huge struggle--but all in all worth it. I have found me. I have dated but even with 4 as you have 2 you will find real love--if not won't be miserable anymore.

We went to 5 counselors--try til your heart says no more with your husband. Like I said has been almost 4 years--haven't found the right one yet--a man is not the answer though--finding you is-not putting up with the put-downs, sarcasm is a start. If ou want to contact me further for support okay with that.

Answer 2

Once you have accepted and realized things have changed to such a degree that you can admit you don't love him as a wife should, then I think you should consider a seperation. By getting away from the emotional situation, stepping back, so to speak, you can make a more objective decision.

Sometimes, when a marriage becomes "stagnant", seperating can give you a different perspective on what you want to do. If there is any type of abuse, physical or emotional, I strongly recommend it, for the sake of the kids. It really isn't about what you want, but what the kids need. Exposure to abuse is unhealthy, and in my experience, once it starts, it rarely ends.

Try the counseling, be honest in the sessions, and if you still feel the same way in a few months, have HIM move, get a divorce, an order for child support, and start a new life.

Then come and visit me.

Answer 3

If he is making an effort to change, I will have to say STAY. It would be such an easy answer to just say "I give up..I'm done", but realistically you have children involved. You guys have been together for so long and have so much invested into the relationship. If you guys can learn to get along and respect each other, your kids will thrive much better than if you were to just get a divorce. Do the counseling thing and really give him a chance to prove himself to you...Who knows, you may even fall back in love with him.

On another note, you shouldn't have to put up with any mistreatment or emotional abuse from him so if you don't see any change or progress from him then pack your bags and leave.

You have been with this man for 18 years so I'm sure you all have had your share of trials and tribulations. This is probablly a trying time for both of you, but you already know that you guys can make it past the hardtimes (bankruptcy, sickness and now this) If you both work your hardest to try to make things work, it'll be very rewarding when things get better. Good luck to you and your family!

Answer 4

Well, if you are asking about finding love outside of your marriage, think you may have answered your own question.

If you are serious about wanting to save your marriage, it will take time. You have lots of hard feelings from things that have occurred for many years and you will need to get through those feelings; which will take much time. Your husband seems to be wanting to do this and I believe if you are willing to work through it all, you will find the love you once had with him. Why not give the counseling some time and then see how you feel? Once all that 'baggage' is out of the way, you may find you do love him 'in that way'. You've invested much time with this man, so why not see if you two can overcome the hurt and walls built up in the years. It may surprise you.

Now, if you are knowing that there is no hope to get those feelings back, then there is much out there in the world. You never know what is around the next corner.

Answer 5

I believe that If you once loved someone enough to marry them you can almost always find your way back to the love you felt at that time. If you remove the option of ending a mariage you most often will find yourself looking for positive solutions that work for both of you. In believing this, I find that I am able to resolve any problems that arise in my relationship. Believe me there have been plenty in my 16 year commitment.
I have a couple of fundimental rules.
1 the kids come first, then me, then my husband, then everyone else. Kids have to come first, Period. If I am not happy my partner probably wont be either. If I put others in front of my partner neither of us will bennefit.
2. Never fight in public. It belittles your partner, eliminates open emotional communication and leads to escalation and bad feelings.
3. If I do not make this marriage successeful no one will do it for me.
4. I sometimes have to step back and look at the big picture, Cleche' as it is, Marriage is a roller coaster. some times are better than others. I am on it for the long haul and sometimes that means ups and downs...

Finaly, Communicate how things make you feel. "you hurt my feelings" goes alot farther than " you are so rude".

If you do leave him, leave him because you two could not make it work. Do not meet someone else first. It invites certain failure. Then take a year off to get to know yourself again before moving on to someone new.
My best to you both.

Answer 6

Your husband was Mr. Wonderful to you once, then reality set in. The thing is, if you're looking outside of your marriage for salvation, recognize the fact that the new Mr. Wonderful's appeal will wear off too once reality again sets in. Where you learn to keep this from being a repetitive cycle is in the here and now, right where you are. That doesn't mean you're necessarily destined to stay with your husband, but it means giving things a realistic shot at success by being in the moment. Counselling isn't magic, but it will teach you both some valuable skills in learning to argue fairly, and listening effectively. By the way, isn't it encouraging that he's been able to modify some of his criticizing behavior at your request (even before the counselling formally begins)? Maybe it feels like a bit too little way too late, but it also demonstrates that he's capable and WILLING to listen to you...and you have to "value" someone to be able to do that. 18 years together is a long time...you know every joke, every excuse, every stupid noise he makes, you know EVERYTHING and it's easy for romance to slip away amid an ocean of routines and resentments (maybe his sarcasm was a manifestation of him feeling much the same things). So, maybe he changed and so did you (in ways you're not even aware of yet). But you both stayed; for whatever reason, you both stayed. Maybe that means more to you than you realize right now...at the very least, you owe it to yourself to go find out. Good luck.

Answer 7

You need to go through the counseling for sure. Counseling shows you windows of opportunity to open up again to re-establish the emotional connection that you once had.Remember the man you married, how you felt about him before all of this went down? He needs to become that man again. Treating you badly sounds almost like he is looking for someone to blame for your hardship.He needs to not blame anyone, stand up and be a man, and do whatever he needs to do to support his family.

If you meet someone else, you are running away from your problems, not dealing with them, exhausting every avenue is hard work, but that`s what marriage is about.. is he at least a good father? If so, that`s a start. If he is insulting you in front of the kids, that needs to stop now. The cycle of abuse will be carried on through their adult relationships if it doesn`t end now. Was your husband`s childhood similar to his relationship with you, where father may have been verbally abusive to mother? If so, he needs help, and to realize that what he is doing is wrong. I know, I`ve been there.

Answer 8

It seems you have lost your self-esteem and confidence. You are in fear that love is not possible with another & you cannot survive alone? How much more difficult is it to survive than bankruptcy & sickness? Why would you date a man 9 years before he married you? It sounds like you have a pattern of not seeing you deserve better. Your husband has no respect for you because you never set boundaries. Bottom line, if you don't love yourself, nobody else if going to love you either. Shutting down emotionally or giving the silent treatment does not resolve either, it only shows you are too weak to stand up for yourself. Sorry about the answer.

Answer 9

Well, I have recently gotten a divorce and was the best thing for me and my family...One thing I did was to take a sheet of paper and thought about all the good attributes that he possessed... thought of 3... Then all the bad or negative... Their was not enough good to out weigh the bad. Pray about any decision you make and know that whatever you do is a life long decision...you never go back... Like my ex wants me back now... NO>..
Spoiled milk is spoiled... even if you put it in a new container and stick it back in the fridge ..still spoiled... yesterday, today and forever... You would never think about drinking it after a year or so... That is my philosophy on my ex...he is the spoiled milk..we had to get rid of it..He was stinking the place up... lol..
Do what you think is gonna profit you and your kids (if any) the most... Definatly if you are in danger get out... otherwise , is it so bad... weigh your options...and PRAY

Answer 10

tough one but 18yr long time all problems start from a lack of comunication .if his acctions put you or the kids in harms way then yes leave.now if just an *** you wants that but the age of the kids come to mind .you do love and will always love him BUT you are not INlove with hime anymore since no boom boom maybe try seprate rooms and mean it that hime know you got six month to get it togeather now this is not one sided work on your self seek addvice from counslers if you want but that is not were it is at its right in your house in your car were ever the to of you are togeather is it make it work togeather six months no compromises been meet bye bye of course the is some one else just need some getting use to and dont feel guilty you gave it your all for six month nothing make sure the kids understand we dont get along and have to live in seprate homes