Please help!.... can u tell me honestly if this excerpt from a short story i made is ok?

Question

soles of my feet press against the cold paved floor as i hurried through the corridors. they say lanterns dance amidst intervals of windows when seen from afar, and that the wind had a mind of its own, baring away curtains as a protest from us strangers. squeaks and screeches follow me. I made my way down the staircase with a candelabrum in my hand and upon reaching the last step, i trembled, as a gush of cold air brushed upon my neck. i quickly glanced behind me, and saw no one. i then looked up and saw the chandelier swaying eerily from side to side... and yet the windows were shut tight.

Answer 1

First of all, I would suggest posting the whole story somewhere on the web (I would suggest fictionpress.com) so people don't have to review a small excerpt, but the whole thing, which means you'll get more help and they'll feel more satisfied at getting a whole story. (Plus I'm not really into reviewing small passages, are they really worth the time?)

Second, when you put a piece up for review, please go for correct grammar, punctuation, and CAPITALIZATION. If you want anyone to take you seriously, you should be able to submit an excerpt with very few, if any, mistakes. Same for your actual question. (Please get out of the habit of Internet Speak. It is a horrible disease plaguing America's youth and when you start editing high school essays, you too will feel that way.)

Third, one of the difficulties people usually have with first person POV is that they often mix up the time of the story. There is "I remember when" time and real time. You have both. Your first sentence starts with real time "press" and ends up with "hurried", past tense to hurry. If you kept to one way, it would be pressed and hurried or press and hurry. That problem continues throughout the passage.

Fourth, the second sentence (They say lanterns dance...as a protest from us strangers), is very interesting and looks very pretty. I assume "they" is meant to be the "they" people say when they don't know who has said whatever was said specifically, just that it was said (as in "you know, they say cows produce more milk when in heat" < not true...I don't even think "they" say that), which usually doesn't go well on paper. Baring away doesn't make sense, so I thought you might mean bearing away, but that doesn't make much sense either. "Amidst intervals of windows" is awkward in meaning as well.

Fifth, if the narrator were being followed by "squeaks and screeches" wouldn't it be wise to think his first reaction (as well as the readers [or at least me]) would not be that a breeze from the window was the cause?

Sixth, at the bottom of the stairs you would glance up the stairs, not behind you, at the stairs, and I don't think you would feel if any air was coming at you from the next floor up. If you were at the bottom of the stairs, you would feel it from the sides or coming at you.

Seventh, I usually see gush associated with fluid or language, not air. Floors aren't paved cold, and paved ground is outside. Squeaks are more cute than eerie.

The excerpt isn't bad, though a little dramatic. You're able to set up the eerie feeling pretty quickly, but I think you might have pressed the feeling too much in your mind and as far as I can tell, the drama is very intense in a novice type of way.

You have, however, managed to grab my interest and I wouldn't mind seeing the rest of it. Good luck with the rest of it and have fun!

Oh, also, you're very consistent in making the narrator use terms that places him in the past. I can tell it's most likely not a young boy in present time because what youngster nowadays would ever use candelabrum?...Unless he was a freak...

Answer 2

Quite honestly, you have some major problems. First of all, tense problems. You change from present to past and back again. Very bad. Pick a tense and stick with it. Secondly sentence structure - again a lot of problems. Next watch your spelling Lastly, to quote Stephen King - "the road to hell is paved with adverbs." Eerily - is terrible. I defy you to show me the difference between a chandelier swaying happily and a chandelier swaying eerily. If you can avoid adverbs - do so. Replace them with descriptive sentences. Just look for all the words that end in LY and see if you really need them and if they are really doing their job. Most of the time - they aren't. Pax - C

Answer 3

youre writting a story , thats awsome!!
me 2!
i am writting a fictional book , about your excerpt , it's good but needs some correction BUT ITS OK ,everyone makes mistakes (not to mention me).
2nd of all DO NOT PUBLISH IT ON THE NET IF U WANT TO PUBLISH IT AS A BOOK!!
FIRST , you have to make a copyright , then PERSONALLY go to a publisher and work things out , but NEVER send it to any by mail or anything like that.

ok , wish you luck & i might give away a part of my story too (even though its horrible and needs attention)
^__^

Answer 4

I think it's really great! i'm writing a book at the moment, and finding it very challenging. As i am only 13, i suppose that must be so. Any advice? i'm writing a non-fiction book.

Answer 5

It has potential, but before you ask someone to critique your writimg, proofread and correct it first.

Answer 6

I like it so far- it sounds like a thriller, and I luv thrillers :)
Good Luck
Peace out