Guilt about formula-feeding my first son. How do I get over it?

Question

When I had my son I wanted to breastfeed him. The minute he was born a bottle was stuck in his mouth and he was basically taken away for the night. The next morning a lactation consultant came and spent about an hour trying to get him latched on. After that, she never came back. I was poorly educated about breastfeeding and I didn't end up doing it.

With much more information and knowledge on breastfeeding I now realize the things I should've done differently. I'm determined to breastfeed my next newborn.

However, I have immense guilt and concern over my relationship with my son. I really worry that he will know that he wasn't breastfed and wonder why. I know it sounds silly but that's the way I feel. How do I get over it? For moms who have formula-fed one child and breastfed the others--was there a difference? Are there anyways my son and I can bond more even though I did not breastfeed him? We’re very close but I worry that somehow the second baby will have more attachment! Thanks!

I really feel that the bond WILL be different if I breastfeed. I am entitled to that opinion. You don't have to agree with that. For me, I know in my heart that it WILL be a different kind of bond. WIll I bond more with the next baby? Of course not!

There were many things that were hard with my past pregnancy. This pregnancy is going to be entirely different. I am nervous because I worry that things will be too different.

Answer 1

I breastfed both of my boys and I feel like we have a great "bond" but in all honesty...I don't see WHY a formula-fed baby would fail to bond with their mother in the same way. Unless the parents are leaving the baby in the bouncy seat/swing and just cramming a bottle into their mouth, formula feedings can still be a time of closeness and snuggling :)

I was a formula baby (my mom couldn't produce milk as a result of a brain tumor!) and I have a very close bond with my mother to this day.

Don't be so hard on yourself!! You can't change the past, just nurture the relationship you have with your son and try not to dwell on the past.

Answer 2

I formula fed my first son after trying to breastfeed. I was poorly educated; and I do still feel guilty about it. I know now that what I experienced was perfectly normal and I just needed to nurse through it. Unfortunately I didn't have the support or knowledge I needed to do so.
My youngest is now 8 months old I he has been exclusively breastfed since day 1. I was better educated, better supported, and just more determined. My youngest is more attached to me than my oldest ever was; but that is because I am his source of food and comfort. My older son could be fed by anyone. I am still very close to both of them, but I know that the youngest prefers me over anyone, and that can strain my relationship with the older(he's only 2 1/2); it's hard when he wants me at the same time as the baby.
As far as development, each of my sons developed faster than the other in certain things. My oldest talked and slept through the night earlier; whereas my baby was mobile earlier.
I think that the feelings you are experiencing are perfectly normal to be honest. But I think most parents are concerned about "will I bond with this baby like that baby". Just take a deep breath and RELAX. I'm sure that both of your children will relize that they were loved unconditionally by you, and at that point being formula fed or breastfed won't make a difference to them. GOOD LUCK MAMA!!!!

Answer 3

I'm a late-time baby boomer. When I was a child NO ONE breastfed their kids. And our whole generation turned out just fine, quite attached to our moms. It's okay. There are a lot of issues about raising children that are much more important than bottle or breast. The only difference is the formula of the milk. Your breast milk has a little bit of extra anti-bodies in it, so the coming kids may be a little bit more healthy (colds, ear infections, etc.).

If your second, third, fourth children have more attachment, it is probably due to their personalities, not whether they were breast or bottle babies.

tx mom

P.S. You can make yourself mentally ill from this guilt you are harboring. You did the best you could for your son. You did not harm him. That's it. It's over. Drop it. Forget it. Nobody's blaming you but you, and you need to focus your energy somewhere other than on feeding guilt. Okay? Cut yourself some slack.

Answer 4

I'm sorry, but you'll never get over your guilt if you persist in believing that your bond with your first child has been damaged by bottle feeding. Yes, it's unfortunate you weren't given the opportunity to breast feed, or maybe that he wasn't aggressive enough to latch on to the breast after spending a night feeding with the ease of a bottle nipple. There are mothers who feel guilty because they had c-sections, even though their life, or the life of their baby, was saved by the surgery.

You just have to get beyond it by concentrating on the positive . . . the ways you can NOW be a good mother and deepen the bond you have with your son. We can't change yesterday; all we can do is make a better tomorrow by what we do TODAY.

And BTW, many adoptive moms who were unable to breast feed have excellent relationships with their children. They bonded because of love and caring, and making sure they had lots of physical closeness in those early months. Beating yourself up won't help you, your first son, or any future children you have.

Answer 5

I understand. I adopted my first child. She was 6 months then and although I had thought about breastfeeding prior to the adoption, didn't follow through because I thought it would be too complicated. I have since become pregnant and have been b/feeding my son for 16 months now (my m-i-law is a bit shocked, I think!) and have joined the Aust Breastfeeding Association (similar to La Leche). Since joining, I have discovered that it would not have been too difficult and there was plenty of support if I had decided to (not in my family though).

I now feel guilty that I didn't do more to breast feed her. I love her to bits, but the bonding process has been so much different. This might also be due to the fact that she was older when we got her, too, but the guilt is there all the same.

However, having said all that, I am sure that my daughter and your son, will not come to us when they are adults and accuse us of less love because of this. In the end, it is what we thought best at the time. We learn so much with our first - we want them to walk quickly and talk quickly and be as clever as the next baby, but as we have more children, we relax so much more. Our first babies are so special because they are there to lead the way for the rest of the kids.

It's okay to feel guilt, but make sure you don't let it affect the relationship between you and your son. Forgive yourself, cos what will be important to him in the end, is that he believes that he is loved as much as the rest of the children you have.

It is obvious you are a good mother and want the best for your children. Your are going to be great. We all learn so much from our first babies - you will be the same.

Answer 6

I hate to say this....but the only reason that you think you will have a different attachment is because you are currently pregnant and a mass of swirling hormones. I went through a similar thing while pregnant with daughter #2. I had trouble breastfeeding my first child....was determined with #2.
Didn't bond any different with baby who was bottle fed more than baby who was breast fed more. Dad bonded a bit more with Baby #1 whom he fed and rocked and loved more often since she was the bottle one.
Mommies just don't have that problem. Just remember....you walked around 9 months of swollen ankles, craving, morning sickness and fatigue with both of them. And you'll cry just as much dropping one off at college as you will the other.

Answer 7

You sound like a great mom to me who puts her babies first.

I'm sorry you were undermined, it happens to so many of us! The important thing is that now you are better educated and better informed and can make that change with your next.

We all make mistakes or decisions with our first babies! After the birth of my first son I decided that I needed a different birth experience and went with midwives. How would I have known that unless I went through it?

Your breastfeeding experience is common, sadly. I'm just so impressed that you're not hiding behind your experience, that you're embracing it and want to seek a different outcome.

I did and am nursing my babies, but I had a horrible time with my first. If my mom hadn't been there to tell me how wrong the doctor was or to make the nurses stop, I would have been in exactly your position.

As far as your son, you can explain to him when he's grown about what happened to you and how you felt about it. Maybe you'll give him a great perspective on being supportive and educated when HIS wife has your grandbabies!

No one can do anything but educate themselves and try, you did that!

I think you're an amazing mom who has a lot to give this son and any other future children.

Answer 8

Feel no guilt, altough easier said then done. I wasn't able to breastfeed my son due to infection in my breast. And he turned out just fine. I also didn't breast feed my daughter and we are very close. I have just found out that i am 8 weeks and i am pretty sure i won't boob feed this one either. Formula carries a wide variety and i believe they can get more vitamins that way you don't have to watch what you eat and you know your love bug is getting the nutri. they need. I would rather know how much my child is getting then guessing.but that is me. nobody is a bad parent because they don't breast feed!! Just the same with the ones who do; things are diff. for everyone.

Answer 9

Unless you were constantly propping him up with a bottle with little contact, there is likely no problem at all. He'll be fine. Baby's bond no matter how they are fed when they are held while feeding.

Get your guilt into perspective. There are so many worse things you could feel guilty over and haven't yet had the opportunity. Move on. You did the best that you could with the information/help that you had at the time. I could give you many extreme examples, but you don't need other's guilt to top it off!

Answer 10

When my daughter was born I started out breastfeeding and quickly dried up. I felt really guilty also because you read so many things about how great and beneficial breastfeeding is. I read a lot about bonding with your baby and formula feeding. Holding your baby close and looking into his eyes. Talking to him. Stroking his forehead while you feed him out of a bottle. It's the time together and how you spend it that creates the bond. There is no magical bonding solution in breast milk that formula is lacking. I understand the guilt but it does not make you less of a mother. You are caring for your child and making sure he gets the nutrition and hydration he needs. All the best!