ok is this normal?

Question

i am 22 years old and my parents got divorced when i was just 10 years old, i am not over it after 2 years. my dad cheated on my mother, and left her because she found out she had lupus(auto immune disease), so me and my father aren't close at all im lucky if we talk once a month, i dont know who he is and he really has no idea who his daughter is, but i kind of hate him and want to tell him off after all these years....?

ok every time i want to talk to my BF about this underlying emotional pain i feel from my father he always shuts me out and says i dont wanna f&^%$#@ hear it, i know he hates my father for what hes done but why doesnt he let me vent?

Answer 1

Your father's decision had to do with the relationship between he and your mom, not you and him. I bet there were other issues before she found out she had lupus especially if he cheated before that , that were going on in the relationship. And at 10 (and divorce proceedings started before that age i am sure) you wouldn't have been privvy to the adult stuff if your parents were not the type to let it all hang out around the kids.

Its easy to say "poor me" that dad left mom because she was sick - but if a marriage was going very badly and was toxic should someone feel guilty and stick around when someone gets sick or should they follow the original path? tough question i know.

I wouldn't tell him off - i would talk to your dad in person about your feelings. Tell him that you want to be closer with him but feel that you are letting your hurt feelings get in the way. you know it has been years since your parents split but now you are an adult you see things different or worry about it differently. Its none of your business about the cheating! But you can say that you want advice from him about your life because you want to make sure you will know you are with the right guy and want to make it last. and it scares you.

every dad wants to look out for their daughter in her life so maybe this is a better tactic.

you cannot change the past but maybe just grow from it. maybe he will say the two of them just didn't get along and it wasn't your fault

Answer 2

yeah its normal you have unresolved issues with him..because you feel he not only abandoned your mother when she was ill but you as a ten year old as well..you are right he doesnt know you...you can write him a letter and tell him how you feel..until you do this or call him whatever...you will have that feeling of needing to tell him...you may find though if you listen to him there is another side to the story...cheating in a marriage is never right im not saying that at all..but there may have been other things that caused the marriage to go bad other than her having lupus...closure is a wonderful thing...without it you stew in your anger...anger makes you bitter and you need to resolve it at 22 instead of being 32 and being even more angry and bitter and blaming him for all your bad relationships...

Answer 3

Wrong answer and a bad idea. If anything you should try and get to know yor father better. I know it sounds crazy believe but me. Imagine how much better of you mother will look for raising you the way she has. If you tell your dad off, it will make you and your mom look bad, like you were raised by savages or something. but if you have mercy on your Dad and forgive him then he will be in debt to you and your mother even more than he already is. Make him love you and respect you, then he will regret what he did and you will be closer to him and learn more from him. Be mature about it, this isn't high school or friends, its your family and they will be as close as you make them.

Answer 4

I don't know if this sugestion we help.... but I was allot like your father in different ways with a child left from a divorce. being a dad has nothing to do with how he really feels about you. In fact you may never know before he gone. I myself stay away from my child soully to protect her from harm with life in the adult world it does not justify the loss or the hurt that he has allowed you to experience in your 12 years of absents but I assure you he does love you very much but just has got the gotts to deal with it. marriage changes everyday in life now good or bad its just the way it is here in this country. Doesn't mean we are all bad. I will say a prayer for you like I have for 12 years with my own daughter I have not seen either.

Answer 5

Yes its normal. He sounds like an a#s. How could someone cheat on their sick spouse, that is a little messed up. I am sorry to hear you grew up with hard feelings toward your father. Some men just dont deserve to have children in their lifes, and hun, you are probably better off without him in yours. One day if you ever see him again, yea, tell him how you feel about him, and let him know he shouldnt have left your mom like that.

Answer 6

Yes it is normal to feel hurt over your father's actions. What he did effected your mother, their marriage, and you, and the entire family. I think you should tell your dad how you feel. Sure you may say some really angry things to him, but it is always better for you to get your feelings out than for you to bottle them up. Consider writing him a letter.

Answer 7

It's totally normal to have these feelings, but don't blow up in front of him about it. You can calmly talk to him but you don't want to come off as too harsh of a daughter he hardly knows today.

I'm sorry about your parents, I can't even imagine how you feel. I think you should sit down and have a talk with him and just tell him how you feel.

Hope I've helped =)

- Chloe

Answer 8

Write a letter to your dad explaining how you feel. That may make you feel better. You don't have to mail it but if you decide to, know it's going to impact any future relationship you have with him. He sounds like he treated your mom very poorly and you have every right to be mad at him. Just realize, your dad is human and I've never met a perfect one yet.

Answer 9

You should have a long conversation with your father and ask a lot of questions.Remember there are two sides to every story.Hear his side, evaluate the situation,than tell him exactly how you feel. Good luck.

Answer 10

Your allowed to yell and scream at him. But, before you do that, try and find out what mad your dad cheat. I believe in giving people a chance to explain themselves before judging too harshly. I wish you the best of luck, this is hard and I admire you for tackling this issue.