I don't think my husband loves me anymore.?

Question

We have been married for 28 years. The biggest problem has always been sex. I worked full time and raised 3 kids, and was exhausted most of the time, so sex was the last thing on my mind. Now that the kids are grown and gone, it's still the last thing on my mind. I don't feel like he is attracted to me at all any more, because he spends so much time on Voyerweb. I don't think he even cares about what I think or feel anymore, because he never seems interested. It's always my fault, because I don't want to dress like a slut, and flash strange men to turn him on. I don't think I should have to do those things. He says it's to bring excitement back to our sex life. I am very uncomfortable with it. Are we just completely sexually incompatible at this point? I really think he wants to divorce me, but I keep thinking we can work it out, but I can't seem to get past my "hang-ups" Is it me, or him???? Help, I can't live like this anymore!!!

Answer 1

I feel the root of the problem is you both lost the friendship in the marriage and it was replaced with resentment. Your husband shows he no longer cares about your feelings because he is deeply angry and resentful of your excuses. He obviously refuses to understand and only looks upon your excuses as rejection. You both need to seek counselling before it is too late. This is a critical time that can lead to an affair by either him or you.

Answer 2

When you're having those kinds of problems, none of the "swinger" crap is going to save your marriage. It doesn't sound like your sex life ever was all that good. There are some good couples counseling programs out there, but lasting relationships aren't built on sex, they're built on caring and respect. You could look at it attending a program like that together as an investment in your marriage. If he is unwilling to make that investment, it's probably a lost cause. DO NOT let him give you one of those "bros before hos" arguments, that it's all your fault and none of his own. What is he, a bystander? Either he wants to be involved or he doesn't. That kind of stuff suggests he doesn't.

Assess the situation and take the initiative. If he really doesn't care he'll start seeing someone on the side eventually anyway. If that ends up being your conclusion, then move right on to planning your leaving, and your new life. He has no right to keep you in an uncomfortable situation forever. It's cruel and uncaring for him to do so now.

Answer 3

You answered your own question, you were to exhaused most of the time for him so he found other means of satisfaction. Look sex is more then the act, it's an expression of love, what you told him for the past 28 years is that you were too tired to show your love for him. Job and Kids are excuses, I am sure you found time for plenty of things in your life over the years that you did not have or want to do. Beleiv me every time you worked late, attended a work function he looked at that and said to himself, "So she could find time for them but not for me?" . Couldn't you have carved out one night a week for your husband.

So 28 years later, he has found a way to satisfy that need, without divorcing you or having an affair, I know some women feel this is an affair, but in this case it's warranted. He found a way to stay in the marriage and help you raise your kids and now that your excuses are gone you STILL don't want to have sex with him.

Unfortunatly he fell into the web porn trap and now his expectations are warped. You cannot say he does not love you anymore he just found a way to satisfy a need that was your job to satisfy. You can work this out but not if you keep finding excuses not to have sex with him. Then you need to get him some help to break this porn addiction of his and bring his expectations back in line with reality. Give him a reason to leave the computer and come to your bed instead. You don't have to do everything he wants but you are going to have to give a little here. After all you were the one that left him hanging for 28 years.

Answer 4

I have been married 28 years just like you,about 10 years ago my husband had an affair his reason was i only thought of myself. I worked part time so i could be home for my son after he got home from school i made a home cooked meal every night.Me and my son would eat and i made a hot plate for my husband for when he come home from work which was between 6-7PM, after dinner he would go in the bedroom and watch TV i would take a shower get in bed and we made love every single night. I kept a clean house wash and ironed his clothes plus his work clothes i would wash and iron no cleaners i did it all. Now i did all this and he said i was selfish everything was about me,me,me his words. He started to pick fights with me,no matter what i said he would turn it all around to suit him know matter what i done it was never good enough little did i know he was comparing me to a co-worker he was seeing. Does any of this sound familiar other then the sex part of it. Know matter how hard we try to please our man it will never be good enough not when there are women out there that will try to take your husband away from you.Just watch your husband check his computer and his cell phone find out all you can before he walks in and says to you i want to movie out and i have been seeing someone else.

Answer 5

It's both of you. Woman are often too tired because they are working and taking care of the kids. This is a mistake, you should not withhold from your own husband all the time. Now the kids are gone and you are going to have to spice it up a little. Get dressed up for him, not for other men. Do your hair and your make up daily, take care of yourself. Let him know that if you are going to be taking care of yourself he better as well. A lot of men tend to want us to look nice when they themselves need a makeover. Talk it out and then spice it up. If you don't get over this stronghold in your marriage you will end up living and feeling like you are just roomates instead of Spouses.

Answer 6

There are plenty of ways to bring back excitement other than you demeaning yourself. Get a couple of good books, start talking about fantasies and get to know your husband again. I think its more likely that you are unsure about your sexuality and have used all that other stuff as an excuse. You have to decide, do you want this man to be your husband and do you want a sexual life with him, or not? If not, then let him have a divorce and hopefully he will find someone who will.

Answer 7

Dont throw away 28 years without a fight.Remember anyone you meet are going to have some "hang-ups".It sounds like your husband is frustrated and wants to show you off.You dont have to dress like a slut,but you can dress a little on the wild side to please him.All men like that to some degree.Try it just once and see if you are uncomfortable with it .You may like it and you may change your whole outlook on sex.

Answer 8

You may be able to get him to couniling; however, you set this up by shutting him out along time ago. Although I dont condone his actions, you have to realize that this is in part the consequenses of ignoring his needs for so long. Men can't just turn it on an off, we need to be nurtured and pampered as much as women do. Good luck getting past this.

Answer 9

Sadly now a day men are so sex driven it becomes a problem. yeah you tired but give in a little bit. no don't go crazy but do something a little extra like buying some sexy lingerie and entertain him. sometime us women have to give a little. but also make sure that it not all he wants. he needs to undrstand that you are a hardworking woman and you need your rest as well.

Answer 10

The problem is that the problem has been going on for YEARS and you've been ignoring it.

I can understand a woman being tired with young kids but you admit that even with the kids gone, making love with hubby is "the last thing on [your] mind".

Then you have the nerve to say HE isn't interested and wonder why he's on the internet, or why he needs something more than the usual to spark his libido......????????

For YEARS he has been "the last thing on your mind" and now you're upset that he's not interested????????

Now you're going to say "I didn't say HE was last thing on my mind, I said SEX was".

TO HIM, IT'S THE SAME THING.

A woman who loves and wants to hang on to her man KNOWS that he NEEDS sex and puts him FIRST. You didn't.....now you're reaping the results.

If you want to save it, I'd get some counseling.